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Mar 25, 2022

Living Late Twenties - "I Am Not Okay" To Do List

First of all, Kuantan does not have TGV. 


So I have to go to KL in order to watch Jujutsu Kaisen 0 but I wanted to be in a better state of mind first (ie; less mentally wrecked due to my new work) in order to be able to fully enjoys it. However, I knew it would be too tiring to travel again so after visiting my aunt last week, I took a stop at 1 Utama just to watch it and it was the best decision ever. The movie was THAT good.

That Yuta boy is my bestest boii <3 <3

Anyway, a good month has passed working in this new place. I'm getting the hang of it and slowly gaining my confidence. I manage to talk some sense to myself whenever I feel insecure, to some extent at least. I still feel horrible going to work and was so drained out once I got back. It has been a slippery trip of waking up, getting ready, going to work, eating, getting back from work, sleeping and repeats. I am so ready for this to finish and go back to Perak so now I am humblingly requesting that everyone reading this pray for my speedy relocation. Done? Amin!

So, there are some things I need to do, kinda on a daily, which might help me settle in faster and in general, to feel more okay. I feel like I let myself be in a spiral of hopelessness even tho I know most of those negative feelings are nothing more than just a feeling that makes me feel so down and just borderline depressed. Let's hope this writing can bring a clearer state of mind for me.

First of all, I need to remind myself that I am not alone and this makes me by far not lonely as well. I feel like I've been putting too many merits into this which just makes me feel even worse. Yes, I might not have anyone to hang out with on a daily basis but I do have peoples who listen to me ranting and understand my situations too. This is a hard thing for me to do but it is still hard even if I have all my family and friends here because it is my own journey that I myself need to go through with. It might be overwhelming but I'm still doing quite well because the very fact that I am chosen to be here is because I have the needed essence. I might feel lonely because I feel like no one really feels it like I feel it but of course, everyone's perception is going to be different. It doesn't make me or others disqualified or anything, it just means we need to go at it at our own pace. 

Secondly, I need to be reminded of my strengths. I am so insecure with myself that I can't seem to recall my strengths. Everything feels like an impostor syndrome or something. So I decided to do an aptitude test and apparently, my strength lies in my - adaptability, teamwork, innovation, strategic thinking, and curiosity. I feel like I relate most to adaptability and curiosity which is more than useful to me right now. I know how I can adapt with not only people but systems too. I don't have much experience but systems always make sense to me which is so helpful in this new place since it is a big organization. Curiosity is also important too as it pushes me to learn or simply to make sense of things better. I needed to at least relies on these two in order to make ease of whatever challenges I might face.

Thirdly, STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF. I need to always remind myself that I need to learn from others and not to compare or compete. It doesn't matter how good others are, what matters is that I give my best and do not lose myself in the process. It is important that I be reminded that I don't have to give reasons and excuses, I simply need to accept my limits and work my best. It is even more important that I don't "change" myself and live in hypocrisy simply because I feel like it is just how things are. If anything, I know my adaptability always helps me to still stay true to myself while still being able to attain any necessary goals. 

Last but the most important would be, I need to be reminded that "everything is going well and you're just overthinking things". It's just another day at work. What't the worst can happen? It will take a lot of incompetence for me to actually being fired. I also kinda feel like "everyone for themselves" kind of vibes here but I can still depend on everyone profesionalism becuase they value it so much. In other word, I might not be able to form friendship here but it won't affect my job as long as I keep on trying my best to improve. I have always instill in myself to put efforst into relationships that matters and honestly speaking, I'm tired of nurturing new relationship. If it is meant to be, it will be. Also, if anyone actually bad mouthing me for being incompetence, well, my gaji still jalan what.

Apart from all of these, living in new place has granted me new chances at stuff. Kuantan for example, has a lot of beaches, so I'm determine to visit every one of it. I'm also determine to do taste all coffees from all of these cool cafe around here. For now I have tasted cinnamon latte from T'jantek Cafe and iced latter from Nasken Coffee. The iced latte is good but not anything spectacular but the cinnamon latte is so good. I'm planning to do trips to Terengganu as well and getting in touch with my friends around east coast. So, cheers to the new adventures!

p/s; It came to my knowledge that there is a TGV cinema in Kemaman which is only an hour journey. This has made me really, really, happy. The movie is THAT good.

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