I am in love with Will Grayson, Will Grayson. It is funny and true and like Will Grayson say which has been agreed by the other Will Grayson -love and trust must go hand in hand, thats what make it possible. 

Yup, I do love and trust this book. Does that made sense? To trust a book?

Their friendship has been potrayed beautifully. I love how flawed they were and how they realize the importance of their friendship and accepting all those flaws because that what friend is. But of course, do point out the flaw and work it out together. It was actually bit hurtful that I don't have such friend.


Anyway. Just got this impulse to write. But i don't know what to really write.

Aiman Azlan part on The Other Side of The Coin has lots of marriage related writings (not that many but enough to annoyed me).

He is cool though. I like him. I've known him from the time he start vlogging. 

But I gave up reading the book not even halfway through it. Thank God it was my friend's. I told her like the book was good but the content was not all capturing my heart and stuff. She actually understood me. But she liked the book. 

I think i'm a bit relieved now due to some stress has been argued to be a waste of time and I even finished a book. How cool is tha. Though i think i am now at another stage of depress whereby i deny myself to hope so much on the turn of event.

Actually, the stress was most likely due to PMS since i've lost track of my menstrual cycle.

Does my current stress was actually pathologically stress? Me?

Damn medical related knowledge.

Roll On: Please remember this.

I do feel quite overwhelmed these few weeks. There has been a specific factor to it. I admit that. Then come the circumstances of the environment that make it worse.

It's been tiring with clinical attachment, 15+ pages of report, assignment, projects, meeting people expectatition, meeting my own expectation, my own feelings and my inner demons.

Somehow, i kinda want a cuf of coffee right now. A coffee would be nice at this time. Like really. Am i addicted or somehow?

*deep breath*


I usually can get hold of problems and feelings that arise if I got my heart at the right path. I kinda have this positive mindset thing that I usually does which is sort of "i can do this" drive. It helps me to go through but I currently don't seem to be able to summon this drive. Heck, it won't even arise a little bit as if it has been a total alien.

These feelings stuff thus has been suffocating. It got me all upside down and stuff. It still does but I like to put it in past tense just for the feel that I got this under control. Those positive mindset arise when i know that i get this under control that if anything bad happen it is totally cool of some sort.


We can't always be in control. That was kind of the point Allah gives us all the messy-ness. Isn't it? To show who is the boss.


Well, actuallyyyyy,

in the middle of writing this,

I do took a break for coffee.


Its' been raining and the evening dusk was achingly beautiful. It colours the sky with this orange dust and it's been such way during our entire dinner.

We have our dinner at this cute restaurant sitting on the high stool facing the street. It was a good choice. It was a beautiful evening to sat by the road and not facing each other. Soaked in our own little world.

When we get back, I actually sat by the sliding door facing outside of our apartment since we still have some time before dark. I wait until the orange glimpse was far outreach to the west with the said cup of coffee.

I love it. Allah was such a wonderful creator. I always at awe at how this unthinkable things struck us and somehow make us decide it is a wonderful and beautiful thing just in a split second.

Allah offers a lot.

What I always forgot these days is that no matter how hard or impossible it seem Allah never forgotten us. Never left us to walk those path alone. If only do we know where to find Him. Heck, the most important things is to actually remember to find him.

Despite the hopelessness and tiresome along the path, He gave us this little thing to sort of heal us a little. Like the beautiful evening dusk. To help to patch us up here and there so that we can move on. He knew us so well to treat us with this and that but we have failed to understand Him most of the time. I'm sorry Allah. Heck, I feel sorry for myself.

We have never be able to be in control.

This is where i have been wrong. The drive "i can do this" was not because i'm in control. But because i'm simply giving my best and hope for the best.

That is why we planned and leave the rest to Him. That is why He asked us to only put hope on Him and only Him. That is why we have to love Him with all we can offer and beyond so that we would never be heart broken.

How can it be possible to be heart broken when He can never let us down and would never let us go. He has been the one and only who has never left us. Isn't that proof enough?

Humans were flawed. I am flawed. Tainted. We keep getting push asides or push people away. We keep feeling unneeded and insignificant or made others feel so.

We were so fucked up that we cannot see that it was only the games put by shaytaan into our mind. Sometimes it was just some meaningless words helding no physical harm on us. Only petty little things that we encased in our brain, making us feel like in a total lockdown.

Allah say that He love us and gives all the life has offered and we were taken a back by some thoughts and says. He was worth more than that and we gives so little. No. I take that. We give nothing. Nothing.

We have nothing to give except for our obedience and efforts. To use this life the best way possible.

To keep on getting stronger with all the trials He give. Because he MATTERS and made everything else insignificant. He MATTERS and made everything else put into the right perspective

This is so important. Dearly important. I pray that I would always remember it.

Hey Ramadhan. I want you.

Roll On: Groupwork issues much

May 28, 2016


*Sigh heavily.

I just decided that my threshold level of toleratable shit need to be increase a little bit. Just so that I can be nicer than I have always been. I thought myself to be quite harsh than my group of peers. Like literally, there are like angels.

I mean it, ANGELS.

Like when Castiel always come to help Sam and Dean although they only contact him when they need help.

I am having conflict. Which result in these threshold things.

To please other and to be my own self. The issue was if I actually not giving much effort than I am supposed to. These efforts is the "please others". I mean, what i give is what others see and thus for them to decide if i have done enough. BUT, the conflict is when I thought I have done my part yet also thought that i am not doing enough because others want more. It made me question myself and i hate that.

The most important thing however, I should know what I need to do and what I can give which relies on my exact responsibilities as well as to please myself knowing this is what I CAN DO.

So it become confusing that it depressed me. These are moments when people say I don't care what people say but somehow sometime I do really care.

Then come all those re-assuring comforting opinions gave to my own self. So called that I have gave my best. This is true though. We should know our limits. Our responsibilities.

But never is to say I have done better.

That is the source of my queasiness now. I think so. Actually, i strongly think so.

I thought I have done better or actually know better or like everyone is not. They flawed and I am better. It is fucking stupid. But I can't help myself. This is actually my own flaw.

I need to istighfar more.

There is another flaw of me which has also give rise to this quesiness. This one I know for sure. Ego. I got ego big as mammoth. I chose mammoth because they extinct. See. Ego.

I'm afraid my ego has prevent me from seeing the better picture. Saw my own mistakes. Admit and to improve my mistakes.

Ego. Self doubt.

People should tell when people do wrong things or thought so, then we can clear out stuff.

I am afraid of what others think of me. Which is tiring. I am a slave of Allah. Not them.

Liberate me.

Roll On: I am not pathologically depressed.

May 22, 2016

These blog getting gloomier that if I was to read this blog completely unknown to my own self, i would seriously advice myself to like, go talk to someone.

I am stucked. At being ignorant to those who carelessly toying with my feeling because they thought they can and to actually do something to make it right. They have the privilage to get me to be toleratable but it does not mean i have to like it. To like them. It is worse as these are the some people which I can't simply shut down because, well, fuck. If I can simply shut them off then of course I wouldn't have these helpless feeling.

I don't like to get mad really. Especially at things that I know I can't get mad and because I love to make peace with myself. I do understand that this what Allah meant it to be and i have the strength to endure. I know myself well to have all the sense to choose whose feeling to care for and these are really the FEW. I know I have to care since i'm an adult and these is my responsibilty. I hate talking in puzzle.

Deep long breath.

This is hard and tiresome and endlessly not going to stop from happening again. I just know it. Or maybe because i'm still at mourning stage that I thought everything was hopeless. I am hopeless. To think that i was going to have a great weekend and end up curling all day long on my bed. This feel so damn bad.

Don't ask me to like talk to someone. Can someone please stop the time.

Roll On: About a t-shirt

May 11, 2016

Mak was a small lady. She was shorter than me, heck, by time, she would be shorter than all of us. She was very thin at her young age that I wonder hard why only Natrah got that. She gets chubby after the seven of us. She was our very own chubby little mak with the most outstanding strength.

Mak for me is the very own symbol of strength.

She is a primary school teacher where they have new sport t-shirt practically every year for god knows why. At that time, the idea of muslimah tshirt cease non existence. Mak compensate with having shirt of twice or even thrice her size. It gives the illusion of muslimah tshirt. But as i say before, she has small figure. So the length and width of the sleeve was of awkward but she looks cute nonetheless. She has it compensated by having the sleeve altered. Instead of cutting it off, she sew it.

What i don't realize is that, when i have the stitches out, her shirt fits me well. Cause apparently, the oversize of her is my size. Cliche.

Reading the school name on the shirt was a bit nostalgic. Remembering her in the shirt was beautiful. Hurtful. But beautiful. I remembered her among her students. Among her friends. The hectic morning we prepared for school and the sunny noon waiting for her to back home. The lunch we spent at those homey warung and her effort to balance on caring for us with her own teaching work. Most importantly, is her smile.

When she gets so ill, the hardest thing is seeing no hope. I thought that is the hardest thing. It isn't. The hardest was when she smile. The smile that promised there is hope.

So little that i realize i has almost forgetten how those smiles feel. I had myself taken aback when i went on to repair her tshirt . i ripped it a little on removing her stitches. How ashamed if she has chosen to cut it off at the first place.

It's hard to lose when we only learn the true meaning of losing when we actually lose. The guilt, remorse, miss.

The knowingness that none will ever replace it.

Roll On: Stop Dreaming

May 6, 2016

I am different. Sort of. I should stop updating this blog when i'm feeling down. Sort of.

Yup. I might be a little depressed.

Oh my.

There is this amazing Supernatural fanfiction called Half Price Gemini. It was a good long read and I am in the middle of re-reading it. It is so much fun that it make me sort of happy in this depressing time.

Sort of.

Nah, very yes of actually. I am quite depressed. I don't talk or do much things of what my friends does. I don't find them to have the same preference. I don't clicked. It is of putting. I realize that I don't have that special someone that I can succumb to. I try to adapt but it's not fun not being myself.

I don't really bother about this really. I've known this forever. Forever lonely some might say. I just don't bother trying when it also hurts not being myself. Lately however, it has been depressing.

PMS? Assignment? Clinical attachment? Two time cancelled plan of going home?

I started to really really judge people. I'm loud and outspoken. I start to think everyone is judging me for this though when i think back, i do soften it. It didnt suppose to hurt. But then i start to think maybe i think so because i want it so. It's unhealthy yet i can't stop. I know i am wrong though but this thoughts is killing me that i want to escape. Sleeping was not a choice cause apparently i hate sleeping.

I'm now at the stage of having sleep as refuel of energy. People thought i sleep a lot but i really just want to freshen up to do my work.

I don't take pity of this of me. I believe this is how it meant to be that i cant do much. I can be different and adapting but then i would feel even empty. Losing my own self. I can't have that now.

I think this is why i like Castiel character in this fanfiction. He was eccentric, weird and so much fun. Yet he is different and so strong. He is outcast but he didn't bother to change. He is he and he is well meant that only selected people would see that and that is enough. Those were the only ones he needed. I never actually feel this attached to a character. Like really happy or sad or love them as if they were real person.

I should try to correct this depressive time. I eat a lot and i don't really have the money and the body capacity (read as malas nak exercise) for all those food.