Roll On: Tawakal and the wild.

Jun 23, 2016

Time is flying fast.

It is already the 18th Ramadhan folks and even though time supposedly to run slower during this tensed time (it's supposed to be slow when i am so tensed with exam but come on, it's Ramadhan!) I am still strucked that we have made it this far. Hugs and kisses!

This Ramadhan was very very different. I can not be lazying around since I'm having exam but sleep was still my biggest enemy. I sleep like nobody bussines! Of course I felt guilty and was trying hard not to. But i'm having new strategy now and hopefully the few days i'm fasting at home, meaning that i didn't need to face my notes and actually do something will help me off sleep. Or to actually sleep because I need it.

Also, it is different because I have awesome housemates to fast, sahur and iftar with. We went to the bazaar like almost everyday. Actually took early morning bus for morning exam. Went to Masjid Asy Syakirin together. Creating lots of memories. I've been meaning to dedicate a post on this. Some other days fellas~


It is not easy I must say. I have always studying with sugar, caffeine and a good (at least) 6 hours sleep at night. But I freaking made it. ALHAMDULILLAH.

I have made it this far and it felt surreal. All of this was even possible because of Allah actually. It is important for you all to understand that I think this is the worst studying for exam I have ever done. Yet alhamdulillah I can still answer instead of staring at blankness.

Is it good though? I don't want to be so hopeful.

I learned this one concept about tawakal. If Istudy hard and can answer the questions or do well, I will put hope on success due to my effort. In other words, I put my tawakal on the effort I have given. Like I'll became more positive or optimist since I can answer after I gave effort. The same thing if it happen the other way around it, meaning if I think I don't do well, and start to think negatively.

It is wrong.

All hope are purely on Allah and we trust Him in everything. In anything for everything, we must trust Him. Even when we give a lot of effort and especially if we give less (but please don't do that as Allah give credits for effort). For good or bad result, if it is of His will and surely every decree of Him is the best for us. To tell the truth, it is LIBERATING.

I kinda like this word now. LIBERATING. Especially being able to relate it better.

I might be ending this journey of student life. InsyaAllah. I read somewhere about a character being so well put through out his harsh life and end up having a panic attack when he actually realize he is graduating like tomorrow.

It is scary not knowing where to go.

I tried to do some stuffs this years in the spirit of "last sprint". It has been a good drive and I am quite contented. It's like if I finally do this, I can face the future a bit better.

Though, fairly speaking, nothing can prepare us for the wilderness of the unknown future.

Pray for us. Like now. We still have Ramadhan on our sides.

Roll On: Calm the f*ck down.

Jun 13, 2016

I'm taking my first final, final exam paper in less than two hours. I have this good feeling that everything going to be ok like before the  two hours before I sleep last night.

Because like the immediate two hours before I finally can sleep, I have nervous breakdown/bad feeling. Nothing major of course. Just a minor one. I started to remember all these few events when I have this bad feeling and ended up with one.

Though I think I can't sleep due to the ever delicious Line Clear's "nescafe ais" I've drank during iftar. Then I became restless since I can't sleep even though I have tried for almost half an hour. Scrolling 9gag wasnt helping at all. I seriously suspect the caffeine was also a culprit. Yes. One thing lead to another, I am fairly having a nervous breakdown. A minor one.

I hardly drank nescafe though. Usually coffee mix which the one that actually gave effect on me. I've abstain myself from coffee mix since I want to sleep early, nescafe was not that strong. But, I kinda crave one yesterday. Totally underestimate it.

I manage to sleep sometine around 0115. Not good fellas.Waking up early will make it harder of course. I sleep after subuh (please don't do this) to like redeem the sleep but one thing bout me is that I always have this gasey windy stomach and uncomfortable taste in the back of my throat specifically after sahur and the chances to get it increases if i sleep after iftar. It didn't happen for the past few days which was like AWESOME yet it happen TODAY.

Why am I updating blog at this wee hour? I need to took my mind of things. To like calm the fuck down. I can't have coffee which is cool btw just that I need to calm the fuck down.

I use to, this one time, think that I need to study and study and study till the last freaking second because some of my friends were doing that. I hardly done it and were already like all loose and stuff the morning I have my exams. Especially if the exam at noon or evening, I'll like slept for an hour or so. My result was not of the tops, do mind that. But I've tried to do that one time, to study untill the last second, because I tought I'm not giving enough as everyone is.

It failed miserably.

I realize the "loose yourself" things i've been doing was me calming down. It helps me to collect my thoughts and remember stuffs. I realize I always be nervous and stuff but by time and experiences, I learned to calm down and think thoroughly. Think clearly. You need to allow yourself to embrace what life has offered and learn it tentatively. Understand it thoroughly. That is what helping me to calm down.

Don't be affected by surroundings. Like seriously, DON'T. The world will continue to roll and you can let it go when you need. Give it your best game with the best way you play it. It's your game. The end-result was all yours. Do it your way. The way you body and soul come to term with.

Just remember to be responsible.

Roll On : Hippies.

Jun 12, 2016

I like bright lights, preferably natural, plain blank cream walls, spaces, wide empty space. I dont believe in those fancy sofa. I believe in comfy and worn out couch that I could call my second bed.

I like mosque. It brings peace. Calming. Make you lost. The good way. I could just sit there and look into peoples, into nothingness and feel blessed. Blissfully calmed.

I hate that I am rather addicted to coffee that these study weeks during fasting felt surreal. Dreamy. And I only "wake up" upon breaking my fast with surely to have some coffee since if not, I'll still be dreamy during terawikh.

I think it might not so like needy. I'm much alert as my friends. I'm addicted to the alertness. Even the taste wakes me.

I love coffee.

I like it that I hate to go to convo. From as long as i remember, i only thought it as troublesome. I wonder what my friends would think if i simply missed it for the sheer comfort of my home.

I don't do small idle talk. Particularly with strangers. I do love knowing people though. But it must be interesting enough, to give something to me when I do give the effort for it.

I reads some Destiel fanfic. There are some which were really really really good. In par with John Green novels that I have read. Destiel was more into knowing soul. Particularly since Castiel was always potrayed to be out of the world. Eccentric. He is a special something different. Whom is having a beautiful soul. Dean was always the flawed ones but ever the kindest of heart. They always focus, or maybe I do love the ones which potrayed it that way, how beautiful they are as persons and how they fit. It's was such a beautiful bond. I was left wanting a friend like that. I never felt like wanting a lover at all.

I likes different things from what my peers always do. They say it was something as having to be so western like. I really loves that I have this side instead of whatever side they have. It have given me the chances to explore more. Learn more. To understand more about myself.

But, it does left us with nothing to talk, nothing for sharing my earnest passion. Like how I like words and the beats in Inside Out by Chainsmokers and how I like to be quiet, shutting the world and still want to be by someone side. I can't share theirs. I don;t understand thus i don't know how. Even huh?

I'm excited to graduate and to start dwells into things that I hope would excite me. Though i'm aware that adulthood is though as fuck.

But, from the pace i'm studying right now, i really hope that i don't fail.

Giving constant effort is hard. Like this Ramadhan when I really want to do some changes. Dicipline was never my forte. Constant effort is hard. Craving coffe was a total turn off.

I'll keep trying though. Keep on praying.

Like Nabi Zakaria, earnestly pray and trust Allah to give him child but never was too hopeful because he has always trust Allah is giving him the best. Yet he continue to pray with so much patient and hope and trust.

Roll On: Always gives EFFORT

Jun 4, 2016


These are they unto whom Allah showed favour from among the prophets, of the seed of Adam and of those whom We carried (in the ship) with Noah, and of the seed of Abraham and Israel, and from among those whom We guided and chose. When the revelations of the Beneficent were recited unto them, they fell down, adoring and weeping. (58)

Now there hath succeeded them a later generation whom have ruined worship and have followed lusts. But they will meet deception. (59)

Save him who shall repent and believe and do right. Such will enter the Garden, and they will not be wronged in aught - (60)

Surah Maryam.

Before these verses, Allah told bout few Nabi that He has chosen. How amazingly devout and the greatly paramount taqwa that they have. I do felt jealous that I don't have even a teensy bit of that.

I do has been sinful especially day like today. Day where I found myself too lazy to do anything eventhough particularly today when my report has been overdue and I dont yet finished it.

It has been an ongoing battle this is. I usually get struck with this unbelieveable laziness when I finish sort of a marathon of hardship. Sort of hardship. Sometimes I just like blank. These few weeks has been hard. It has officially ended yesterday with a twist of cough and cold. Yup, I am a mess of stuffy nose and sore throat and simply lazy. Or in medical term, lethargy.

*keep on comforting myself with nonsense.

It is SUPPOSEDLY to officially ended yesterday as I have initially planned to finish my report as well but it is not anywhere near completion.

That made me sad really. That I be such a loser like this. I mean if I simply took a break I should be responsibly do that after finishing my report. It was a shameful thing to pray that my studies was earnestly for Allah yet I do these things.

Reading this verse made me feel even worse. I realize that my solat has been delayed almost at all five times. My subuh was even worse as I do wake up but lazily did a real wake up and solat. On top of thar, this laziness is a sheer proof of me bowing to my lust. And other things of course.....

It made me feel guilty knowing how gloriously succesfull all those people that He had choice on those later times and how He has told that they will be peoples like me TODAY.

Quran has expected it all along.

Ramadhan is in two days times and I want to change. I need a plan on how to spend Ramadhan effectively so that I'll be stronger and my first step is SOLAT EARLY.

It has been on and off effort. I do seriously at everytime hope to make it permanent. I keep on failing obviously. I realize now, at my own petty stage, the main idea is that I need to always, always, want to change. For the better. Even though I kept on failing, as I am now, I still need to keep on going on. What I forget is that the effort is what I have right now and actually, it is the only thing that I have now, inshaAllah. Hopefully I'll reach that needed amount of effort so that I went to the next stage of iman. It is not that I will continue to be pristine at those stage but I really really want to istiqamah and be like that.

I have a friend like that and she is not what people would say those ustazah type. She is nice and sweet and decent. She always pray on time even for Subuh and even do tahajud regularly. She read the Quran and always comitted to it at every time after maghrib. She was a nice friend and good student. She might not seem much of an excellent student, outspoken, or those people which were showing aura of budak surau but I do idolize her. Maybe it is in her modesty. I only realize this as I practically live with her. I really want to be like her.

Change is hard. Fighting your lust, your inner demons, all those negative thoughts and all those "simple things" that you thought don't really mess with your iman. Fighting to always remember Allah, to always believe in His love and grace. Trusting that He still want you and will you to be His best servant. To understand completely that He would forgive us. To trust that you can always gives effort and He will always gives you credit for that.

Remember that Afifah. Please.

Never lost hope.