Roll On: Bad Habits

Mar 26, 2018

We'll continue the rediscovering thingy after this one, I have to get this one out. Seeing how many personal thoughts I have shared here, I might need to go anon or something but anyway, I'm having epiphany moment while watching movies.  

It's such a cliche because I was watching movies as a form of distraction from "responsibilities" and now I'm having an epiphany.


"The Psychologist Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. Somehow. In some part of our lives. We drink, or take drugs, or destabilize the happy job... or happy marriage." - Annihilation, 2018.

It hits me hard because I do feel like I'm doing self-destruction. It is just so confusing with "living a good life" versus "living the machine life". I was baffled. I thought I was tired with all the works I have to do and that has justified a good job but then, my logbook (simply a log of all the activities I have to perform to a certain standards/numbers) is nowhere near completion. I talked to a "pegawai" that has just finished her training like the one I'm doing now and we started to discuss "these requirements" of mine that seems nowhere near completion. That she had it easy since she went to a big hospital. I think she was purposely having this conversation seeing how utterly lost I am. It wasn't about big hospitals or new rules but it was me, I am the one who needs to take action.

I have to thank her because that had left me thinking that maybe I was the one "self-destructing" my chances of being a fully registered pharmacy instead of me simply blaming the universe.

But why you may ask?

Because I didn't have that much of self-disicpline to when facing hard things.

I was lazy.

I was procrastinating because things were hard but guess what, this is supposed to be hard because this is a hard job and this is my training for a better life in the future because I have survived this hustle. 

It is just that requirement. I just have to choose if this is the battle that I want to fight or not?

I want to fight. 

So for that, I need to let go my bad habits. 

Firstly, I need to goddamn wakes up early. 

This was funny because, for the longest time, I thought I wasn't having a good night sleep so that is why it is so hard for me to wake up. Although it is true for a while earlier when I was still having anxiety that keeps me waking up during the night but alhamdulillah it isn't the issue now. I was just so bad at waking up early. At some points, I think I was so sleepy because my body knows my minds so well that we hated going to work because it was "job" and "responsibilities" and "expectations".


Secondly, I need to stop excusing myself to take so much effort for food.

It might be me depressing or just tired but I just don't have much appetite for food. I get hungry alright but I just don't feel like eating anything. I still have to eat because feeling hungry is such a bothersome feeling. So I went to places, that usually takes time to even get there because I kinda feel like eating those food but usually, I don't really have that much of appetite for it. To make it worse, I eat so little. I rarely even finished my plate or get obnoxiously full when I do (I hate feeling obnoxiouly full). It takes so much time and wasted my energy when I should be doing something more important. Seeing how eating at different places do little to nothing to improve my appetite, I just have to stick to the basic nasi goreng or something and shove it into my mouth untill I don't feel hungry.

Thirdly, stop procrastinating.

I truly don't know how to settle this. I usually feel so tired so I just can't focus to do my job. Either doing that slides of study more. So yeah, I need to stop procrastinating somehow.

Next, always forgets new things I learned. 

One funny thing during my working life is the bits and pieces that we learned randomly. When we were studying, we learned things systematically. One body system to one pharmacological class (which I have forgotten much of it of course). But now every once in a while I simply learned one isolated thing from the others like the maximum dose of rectal paracetamol (typical medicine) and the minimum dose of allopurinol (special kind of medicine for gout). Even funnier, that isolated things still matter so even though I'm not quite sure what other gout medicines is, that knowledge of allopurinol still just makes sense. But I tend to forget it which makes it just so sad, so I just have to start writing these random pieces of knowledge and re-read it once a while. At least, I still have these bits and pieces rather than nothing at all.

More, being too timid and not sure of myself.

I realized that I hated not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent. I tried to avoid from being asked questions and feel utterly useless when I "got caught" not knowing. It was stupid, I should embrace my weaknesses because there is just nothing I can do about that but rather accepting it and tries to learn when I don't know and just learn every time I got the chance too. I need to be more vocal too. More vocal on saying"I don't know" even when peoples giving me side-eyes and start to ask the right question instead of gibbering. 

Stop going with the flow

Like I said before, I need to take action. My logbooks and my procrastination and yada yada, I need to start acting on it.T

I hope that was all to it. I'm still feeling confused but a little less than usual so that's good. By the way, I'm feeling so full right now with apple pie, chocolate sundae, pepsi and cappucino. I might have no appetite but man I can snack unconsciously while writing.

Roll On: Rediscovering Myself (Part One)

Mar 13, 2018

So I taught, hey, plenty of people lives alone by themselves, I am not the only one feeling miserable right? I found out that there are these articles for tips or guides living alone and one of it that kinda leads me to write at this moment is that living alone can be a stepping stone for you to learn to know yourselves better. I asked myself a lot during these time that it is pretty exhausting. Mostly was am I not cut for pharmacy or is it just my tired body talking? But how tired can I really be then?

I found these set of questions about discovering myself and let's get on to it now.

1. What activities in your life that lights you up with joy?

Honestly. I didn't feel an honest joy for quite sometimes and it is just disturbing. I went out for dinner with my friend yesterday, I always try to spend more time with her and even though it is pleasing, it didn't feel so satisfyingly happy as when I hung out with my friends (her included) before. When I feel too stressed out at UKM I will return home and spend time with my family and it can be me just lazying around at home but I feel brand new when I return to UKM, I haven't felt that way now. This was my ultimate weapon but it failed. Damn.

My prime in my 25 years of life is during matriculation. I noticed that matriculation was Allah giving me a second chance (because I didn't get good grades in SPM).

I woke up every day at the same time around 6am, always had my power nap which helped me to still focus on evening lectures, had my second nap in the afternoon to get focus for my revision or any assignment that need to be done that night which leads me to always finished my assignment or revision earlier, generally have a good relationship with lots of friends since that was the first time I actually bonded with "peoples" and learn to depend on others (since that was my first time living away from home). I was doing quite good spiritually too. That was my first solid moment that I truly believe I can ask Allah anything and He listens and will grant it if it is mine to hold. It was such a freedom to have such trust.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, of course, those time includes my first real heartbreak, betrayal and generally hopelessness too. I endure it all and looking back at that time, I grow so much from those experiences that had become the foundation of me today. I still grew so much after that but that moment has become such a solid moment building what Afifah is today. 

But Afifah today is far astray.


You see, I was so out of it these past two months. I didn't feel genuine happiness or content and feels anxious (about something related to work) all the time. I actually did that well-researched questionnaire to analyze depression and it suggests me to meet a doctor. Me, being a health student and all, of course, rejected the idea that I am depressed. Pfft. I feel tired all the freaking time even though I get enough sleep, I keep procrastinating work, never feel motivated to do anything that I merely do work (at my job) just to past the time, I keep on scrolling socmeds because that way I can keep away "this horrible feeling that I literally wasting away life" and generally feel scared at work because I know I am not improving as I should be thus I'll be judged etc etc.

That's why I've been pondering how good I am during matriculation and why can't I be that Afifah today? Because if I do, man, I can be such an ace at work. 

I tried to transform my life, to get that time back, but it always failed miserably. I tried to study at night but I always get damn tired or just damn easily get distracted with other 100 things I should do that I end up doing nothing, I tried to get enough sleep but alas, still tired, I can't get myself to ALWAYS solat on time, can't get myself to read al-quran every day, can't even get myself to be praying earnestly, I was honestly feeling like giving up, that maybe I just don't cut for this pharmacy life and I'll die of depression or something. 

I was pondering so hard at why Allah did this to me. I thought it was because I didn't fight enough. Didn't fight enough to stay disciplined, to stay awake, to give more and more. You know that ayat saying we only get what we gave effort too? I thought I wasn't giving enough effort, but I was so tired all the time and when I don't feel that tired, I just can never focus, how can I give effort? It was supposed to be the same level of tiredness as when I am in matriculation but I excel that time, why can't I be that way now? 

Then I realized it wasn't entirely about effort.

It was my egoistical bastard in me that gets in the way.

When I was in matriculation, it was clear that by doing this I still get a chance to become a doctor or pharmacist, you know, typical Asian dreams. Why? Because my dad will love it and my mom will be so happy. My interest that time was on IT and historical stuff but I put it away because people says it won't become a good future so I do this. I never realized it but I did it purely so that my parent will be happy. It was made easy cause Allah always helped those who choose to do it for their parent right? But now it wasn't that pure. Dad doesn't care anymore because he thought I am finally a grown and successful adult. I am solely on my own. This is my world I'm trying to cave in and my intention is so that I'll be approved by everyone. It was pride. It was ego.

For the longest time, I knew I'm such an egoist. I hardly ask help from others and hate so much that I can't do certain things which make me looks stupid which is just another kind stupidity. This is why all my effort goes astray, because I want to get adoration and stupidly trying to become a better Muslim so Allah will give me my satisfaction to become prideful. Pride is the closest to shirik too. I was so so stupid. 

I am not saying "hey you lets join hands and tries to be better Muslim because it will solve everything", but that is what I'm saying. I read zen thingy and meditations and self-help books and it has this one similar thing - be content with whatever you have. Being critical me as usual, I try to relate it to Islamic teaching because Islam is the way of life right? We are also asked to be content but we have better reasons, because us being content meaning His redha towards us, and His redha means happiness. Even in pain or misery, if we have this redha thinking, we will endure it better. 

What I'm trying to say is that, life can be anything you want, it is an endless possibility. But what we feel deeps in our hearts is what matters. That is the thing that will drive us to be better and to use our lives in a way that benefits us instead of becoming an automated thingy that "norms" says we should be. We are not a robot.