Roll On : Did I touch your soul?

Jul 28, 2016

I'm going to "advertise" this post on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook because i am an attention seeker and partly because I want to convey this message to my friend as well.

Does an attention seeker admit he/she is an attention seeker and did you actually thought i am indeed an attention seeker? You see, now i'm confused with myself, am i an attention seeker?

I realized some things yesterday, as if yesterday, my birthday, yesterday my birthday kind of yesterday. My birthday is on 27th July. Yes, yesterday birthday yesterday. I am officially a graduating (insyaAllah) 23 years old stupid, self centered and hopeless girl whose birthday is yesterday.

Anyway, back to the realization.

Firstly, i don't actually expecting my birthday and only come to realize that it is my birthday when my darling Nabila wishes me. She is a 10 years old girl that thought a birthday is an important thing and the fact she remembers mine shows a lot how she is capable to love.

Secondly, days before my birthday, i was going through Facebook, trying to switch off the birthday notification. I never like FB to announce my birthday. At first I thought that I don't want to feel that I am a nobody since i am sure not much will bother to wish me and i will feel rather hurt. Talk about low self esteem there. Sometime i thought it is a personal thing and i dont FB to remind everyone. Also i don't want to be thanking people who i dont really know who simply gave a HB. But the best reason i would say because I myself don't remember my friends birthday much and not particularly inclined to celebrate it except for a certain peoples. To tell you the truth, I think i chose to celebrate for some is because i know it will make them happy and not because i thought birthday is a festive to venture on.

Thirdly, i dont do birthday. I hardly do any celebration that I deemed not necessary. All those Muslim festives, that i do. It is a good and meaningful event that I truly set to celebrate but birthday was like mehhhhhh.

Lastly, i actually DON'T switch it off. The FB notification i mean. I can't find it and simply thought that i might have switch it off for good last year. I don't think i get much wishes but the few i got was so dearly endearing. It come from all of those I have known personally and the wishes they gave are just what I thought how they will actually do it because they were being themselves and that is all i ever wanted.

There are those that didn't wish me and it is quite weird because i always have thought that it is a deemed responsibility. To wish birthday. Well, i know i don't do it much but I always thougt my circles were those of saint thus do take this responsibility. Or maybe i am that much of a nobody. Yeah.

I thought it is quite liberating that i acknowledge these four realization which actually don't really matter much to why i want to do this post but well, babbling is fun.

I always thought i am quite insignificant. I mean, it is not like i pity myself. I just always kept to myself and known to have a harsh approach to things. I thougt i am harsh because my friends were friggin saint. It is quite exagerrated but it truly is. I am lucky to know them although some might thought being too kind is not always good but damn, they were extremely saint that i envy the amount of patience they have.

It just that I don't really know how to be friends to others. I think it is simply because the passion i have don't actually match other. Some people try to fit in, i tried too, i really do, but it's hard to be something that i don't particularly enjoy. Or maybe because i'm a hard person. Or too picky.

I went a rather very long long longgggggg way of think about stuff, like these ramble. Why? I like to understand myself.

The other day, there is this quote i read saying that when we love a particular character in a book, it is a true kind of love because we love them for how they were. Like the way they think, their habit, their insecurities and happiness and etc etc. That we are in love with their soul. I like this quote, it makes me giddy.

So when i understand myself, i think it help me to understand other. Like fitting into their shoes. Or at least by the way i have potrayed myself to others thus allowed me to understand what they might have understand from that. This world is a big play and we are our own main character.

Seeing those birthday wishes, realizing the sincerity behind it, knowing the beautiful person who thought it and understanding that somehow people has appreciated me for whatever things that i may not actually deserved, it makes me happy. It made me grateful. For all flaws i have and stupidly awful at keeping friend, i still have these moment which i really do appreciate. That i can call as my own.

It is not only these wishes really. It is everything. Knowing people and trying to understand them has teaches me a lot. It made me think a lot and i like it. I like to know it. To understand it. To realize how a particular moment may touch deeply into my soul.

I can only thanks Allah so much for these wonderful experience. Even more grateful for the joyous ones. Too grateful to be given the chances to know these people and somehow been appreciated by them. That my petty life has been acknowledge into their life. I do nothing but Allah gaves me this and it is precious. My precious.

I told my friends when we have this last gathering that they shouldn't let anything let them down because they are wonderful. They are wonderful, victorious and strong. I truly, religiously believe it, though some say they do not see it. Heck, I may not be able to speak the words of this wonderful belief i have in them but i do hope they believe me.

You don't understand the depth of understanding i tried to reach upon people in my life and how when i say they are who there are is actually truly what i believe.

So, did you found your soul?

Did i touch your soul?

Happy 23rd birthday Afifah. Improve yourself. Truly believe in yourself. Reach the stars and remind yourself to always be humble. Love Allah. Live for Him.

Roll On: Aiman and Muslim

Jul 17, 2016

A friend of mine just discovered my blog and gave some nice compliments. He is an epitome of weird. But then, we perceive things differently and i am most likely will change ,so, my words may not held much weight. At least he is the good kind of weird.

I just feels like writing for these few days and his comment finally pushed me.

My very dear brother, Aiman, whom I met few times in a year are going back to Indonesia next Wednesday. He just bought a smartphone, his very first proper smartphone. Oh the joy! Then one things lead to another. We discovered it can't connect to the wifi and all our effort can't fix it. His Youtube was all funny and we can't uninstall it though i tried to download the APK.

We bought it in Puchong and has been away so these few days we can't post it to have it changed. Today, the screen has cracked. It cracked deep and need fixing for another RM200. He has been stressed previously and now he is just like DONE. Did i mention the phone itself only cost RM320. Pfft.

I felt like crying.

My Muslim also went to his tahfiz yesterday. When we were heading back, he has his goofy smile and was desperately want to go out since he has some time before his teachers was looking for the students. He was afraid and Aiman was convincing him like a bad influence he is that Muslim should really just go. He can't go out during their day off since he is still small so this is like this one sweet escape chance for another few months. He is 15 years old for heavens sake but I understand the restriction. He can be quite childish. My own little brat. I miss him.

that charming girl is Atun.

One thing about them is that we didn't really have much time together for as long as i remember. We don't understand how far their tahfiz upbringing has affect them and well they were boys. Being a boy may be the one reason why I may not be able to understand them better in the first place. I can't stop having this feeling that I always need to be there to help them because they might not know and i need to show how and simply to protect them.

I wonder how suck it would feel if i have my own kids to care for.

I was thinking ways to get a good smartphone for Aiman. It really is not that desperate since the stuff was illegal anyway. He might be able to use it for like once a month But it would give him joy. Though i can't stop questioning why Allah gives this. Most importantly how he felt about this.

Aiman is charming. But he can be an annoyingly stupid person. That is the fun now isn't it? He was looking at this kayu sugi and asked whom is it. It was mine and has been gracefully unused. He asked me to use it saying it's good for me. He found his small book having this manzil reading and asked me to read it with good tajwid and tartil because by reading it better would hold better chance for the success of it. He is growing up for sure. He have this little accident and have some cuts of his elbow and sprained his ankle a bit. I was the last to notice when he suddenly say he is sorry for my scooter. I was having this cleaning frenzy and he kept on saying thank you when no one else ever do.

So yeah, God help me, You gave all this signs but i want to try to get a good smartphone to give his this little joy. Allah is what we thought of.

He was looking at this luggage to bring his stuff and tries to pick it up and pull it over. Suddenly he looks in the mirror and say he want to be at full spirit to continue his studies.

The most beautiful things about my siblings is that we know all of our issues and we swallow it, embrace it and freaking work it out.

Roll On: Grown up peeps

Jul 6, 2016

I don't have any urge to wish raya this time. I wonder why though. I asked nadia and she does not want to do it either. She made it sound like "of course not, why should I?"

I think some times before, I do give personal whatsapp or text. I do wish raya to some significant whatsapp group. In high school, we give card. It was a pleasant experience.

We are celebrating a new kind of raya this year. I can't really remember how we do it last year but some very significant things had happen and now we end up doing raya a different way than we used too. With different I mean on our own. In manjung. Nothing to expect on. It may as well be a normal day.

It's sad, I suppose, sad that I can't actually remember how we spend raya last year. We went to Tioman Island that time, that I remember. Tioman was awesome!!!

When wan and mak tok have passed away, the kampung house was literally dying. It save us a few raya but it was slipping away and this year, it is gone. For good. The house died. It surely don't resolve as a purpose for once a year gathering.

When mak died, and since we don't really have a better bonding with mom side of the family, we have distanced. It has become a compulsory once a year visit. Each year becoming shorter than before. We have fond childhood memories and having this slipping away as well, it is rather, hurting, I suppose.

Is this the meaning of growing up?

Walid don't have anyone anymore except for us and her sisters.

Mak ngah as well. Just us, her siblings and her daughter.

Acu got a new life now as a mom and it is quite a turn of life.

I think this is what hurts the most. But in all its glorious and beautiful way. We are simply growing up and in doing so, we need to let things go to allow new ones to come. To fit in to our newly grown up peeps life.

It hurts for some, like me. All those previous life I had has been joyous.

The future however, is everything uncertain. Scary.