Talking About Feelings and Being Free

Feb 21, 2019

I've been into multiple cars and motorcycles accidents - both with or without a second party and caused or not caused by me. The worst physical wound I got is some scratches that leave the faintest mark of scars but there are two occasions where the wrecked cars are condemned a "total lost".

The last car accident I've been, about three or four years ago, was caused by me and I went into this really depressing mode. This accident particularly hits me deep. Probably because the fact that I cause it and the car got totaled, probably because my friends were also in the car and I don't think I'll ever say sorry enough and it was also probably because walid wasn't there to take care of things. Or maybe it was cumulative of it. There are some things I remember so well and surprisingly, it wasn't the accident itself.

I remember I cried and I only did because I trusted that friend (she is a kind soul that way). I remember that she admits she was a bit clueless initially because she didn't expect me to cry. I never thought that I gave out that "no crying kind of person" vibes.

I remember feeling so depressed that one day I just hop into a bus, wander aimlessly, end up in a mosque and just sits there.

I remember my aunts were so shocked and went to visit at UKM and I remember that I gave out the most reassuring smiles and faintly, just so faintly, imagines, if mak was still alive, will I worries her this much too?

Then I remember when my housemates and I were going out, and one of them was asking for me to drive and she asked it with the most natural way that I didn't actually "totaled" a car a few weeks before. I drove that day and it feels so good.

Those moments holds some of the most important feelings I have ever experienced in my life and one most powerful emotion particularly is fear.

If there is one thing that I learned from all those accidents is that - fear is a really overpowering feeling and that I fear of having to relive those fear again. Yet at the same, knowing fear that close has also made me realize just how strong and capable I can be.

I know I can't ride a motorcycle as fast as I did before and I don't have any problem admitting that I was traumatized but I still ride. I still don't mind the long travel as well and even with the slight fear still pulsing in me when I ride, it's kind of okay. 

I got a bit nervous driving walid's Innova (since it's bigger) but each time, I just drive cause I know after a while I'll be comfortable like I have always been. That somehow, a bit of driving, will remind me that I know this. The shift of gears, to keeps your eyes for others, glance the back mirror every once in a while, etc etc.

I realized that I made myself not to drive over 120 km/hour (90 km/hour on a motorcycle) because it kinda triggers some anxiety in me and that feels quite okay too (except when cutting a car, duhh).

I also realized that I prefer to not be driving if I ride with other people because I think I'm just not good enough and that peoples just don't want me.

Almost amazingly, all of this anxiety or fear or traumatized or phobia or whatever peoples call it wasn't really about the accidents but more about fear. I was fearing the aftermath feeling - fear. I wasn't fearing about getting into another accident because I'll never be driving if that is what I fear. I feared the moments after it, the shock, the paramount rush of feelings that comes after, that no ones really understand what I'm feeling and can tell me what I need to hear and that is kinda lonely too. It was so overwhelming that I just can't get a hold of myself. I know the accident is over and I'm okay and everyone is okay but I just am deeply scared.

By time and thorough thinking, I guess, I got better. I feel better.

What those have really helped me throughout life is that it is hard to control what we feel and sometimes we just can't and it is okay. Peoples be saying choose happiness, choose to let go, etc etc but it has been a long and hard way for me to get there and I still got lost sometimes and those "good vibes poster advice" is really annoying. At times, feelings are so overwhelming that I forgot - I am somehow now, are controlled by this.

Feelings are the most addicting things but we never ever choose it and it always sucks us in without us realizing that we are being drowned.

But out of all feelings out there, fear is the most interesting one for me. It's good to find happiness in the most trivial way or to feel sad when your loved ones are dead. But fear is much more interesting. Everyone feels happy when eating their favorite food and everyone feels sad if their loved ones are dead but does everyone have a fear for, I don't know, let's say, driving? Does everyone that got into accident grow fears for driving? Fear is the most crippling things that we let it be.

There is this person, she is some sort of an authoritative figure, and my friends and I always feel like "die lah weyh if need to work with her". You see, what fears thought me is to imagine the worst possible things that might happen and what I need to do. That helps me to justify things are just not much of anything to start feeling fear in the first place. It calms me and helps me to think clearer. However, somehow, we always ended up doing stupid mistakes around her. It stops being scary and started to become a fact that I just have to live with. That is me conquering fear.

"I know I'll do some kind of mistakes somehow and at this point, I don't care anymore, I just need to take note what the mistakes are and just hopes not to repeat it again"

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There are a lot of other things that I fear and some of it is just so exhausting. The second most common theme of fear that I, and probably most peoples in the world, is people expectations. 

There are a few things I've learned from this kind of fear, which is sort of funny. It is that (1) whatever people expect from you is really their own problem because life still goes on (2) even if you  know that it is disappointing of you not to achieve "average expectations" - no one actually made it a lifetime thingy to be bothered when we are somehow being scarred for quite some time and the most important lesson is that (3) some people don't actually expect anything and we are the ones who constantly being worried that "what if people say so and so"

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But people's expectations always gets to me. Even today.

You guys probably are weirded out by how deep I feel with this topic of fear. I find it interesting to think it through and this helps me to say "it is okay" more truthfully. I think saying "it's okay" is way more important than saying "everything will be alright". Peoples be feeling like shit and someone just say it will be alright? When?

All those moments I formulated the possible outcomes, I always end up saying, it's okay if this or this happens. It just what life is. I'd probably feel shitty for a while but it's okay. Even if there are people's expectation and I did fail them, "it's okay". Nothing good comes from over worrying it and fearing the next possible awful thing to happen.

I don't know why I wrote this. It lacks an actual purpose and I don't even know how to wrap everything but you know what, it's okay.

January Wrapped and February To Do

Feb 3, 2019

It is February already and January was perfect. Though I'm not exactly ace-ing the to-do list for January. Let's go through it, shall we?

Two blog posts - list of poetry books I have and 2018 faves -part two

I procrastinate the list of poetry book so bad. It got held back because I can't find good apps for sharing pictures from my smartphone to my laptop. I used to email it which is such a troublesome. I resort to using Google Drive instead. Oh ya, I hated using a USB cable. I'm staying true to become wireless.

Spring Cleaning my blog's labels

It is not 100% done but I manage to clear the important ones. Basically, I'm trying to categorize my posts instead of putting random labels. There are hundreds of post to go through. So I'm going to take some time.

Do Hatyai's itinerary planning 

I've told that I wanted to at least wrote itinerary as my New Year's resolutions. I bought a mini notebook for this. Hatyai's trip is pretty straightforward. I just noted the ticket price, it's going to be a 3-days-2-night trip and what market to go. Although I do notice that the train ticket got sold out so quickly.

Update 10 poems discussion for Instagram

I got so lazy to do this. I think I only manage to do four? But I'm determined to at least finished studying 10 poems even if I didn't manage to put the discussion on my Instagram account. The poems are really interesting. Scroll down to get the link to my poetry account.
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At least have 5 days with 5k steps + At least have 5 days with 10k steps

I FAILED SO BAD. I got so tired and lazy after work that I just give up. I tried to do it during the weekends but yeah, I don't. There is actually one day that I went out to the field to get the 10k steps but OMG 10k is a lot. I only managed to get 5k because it was getting dark. I got few days that the steps go beyond 5k. Google Fit isn't showing monthly stats? I did buy Mi Band 2 to get me more motivated. So let's do this Afifah!

Choose two cause to donate monthly

I thought of choosing two cause since, y'know, get the money spread and stuff. That is when I remembered Yayasan Dana Kebajikan Muslim Malaysia (YDKMM). I knew some of the volunteers or should I say, members? I'm not quite sure but they did a lot. From really good programs to help youth, collects funds for disaster/hunger/asnaf and qurban too.

Hang out leisurely with friends (done)

The idea was that I specifically target which friend I need to hang out for the month so that I can nurture our bond (wallawei ayat). I was thinking to hang out with these two friends that lived quite far from me and I did. It was so good cause I can talk a lot with them since I'm really comfortable with them. It was a good time. I miss them already.

Read 30 pages of Midnight Monologues

One of my resolutions is to read 25 books and it's like the middle of January when I realize that I need to read at least two books per month to reach that goal. I can be so stupid someime. Anyway, I'm just a few pages away to finish Midnight Monologues.  Need to do some catching up fellas.

At least have two weeks of tracking calories (not necessarily be calorie deficit)

I did and it was confusing, frustrating but also satisfying? Using MyNutrisi Diari app is good because they have plenty of Malay food but the portion can be confusing. But actually, I just need to eat the right portion. Plus, there is this easy option to state the portion you have had and even if the food is not listed, I can simply Google the calorie and adjust it accordingly. It helps to understand how I can control food intake strategically. I have lots of days that I go beyond the normal daily calorie intake though.

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Puasa for two days

I wanted to do another day but I got lazy and now I am PMS-ing which means I feel hungry all the time plus I'll always feel slightly hypoglycaemic which is not good. Not good at all.


Ok now let's go to February's goals! I think we can add my resolution to be wiser in money management for the month.

  1. Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)
  2. Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites)
  3. Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)
  4. Plan an itinerary to Singapore
  5. Have 10 days of more than 5k steps
  6. Track weekdays calorie
  7. Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)
  8. Fast for three days
  9. Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work
  10. February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.
  11. Keep track of daily spending habit
  12. Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.
  13. Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Ok guys. I just need you guys to pray for me. Pray that I DO ALL OF THIS.