My Poetry Books Collection

Jan 29, 2019

I always banned myself from buying books because there are a lot of books that I have and still not read. But I always come to justify poetry books, especially the local ones, because it is just so hard to come across ones. 

and now, me, not an avid reader, got a small collection of poetry books. There are those that I didn't read or not yet finished reading, but I'm planning to read it all (read it again for those that I have finished) which will be included in this year To Be Read (TBR).

click on the title to be directed to Goodreads and I'm sorry for taking such shitty pictures.

All The Bodies We've Embraced by Sheena Baharudin

I think Sheena is the first important Malaysian poetry figures that I knew. Quite conveniently, after knowing and at awe for about a few months, Sheena published her second book. I can't remember how I bought it though. I loved how the book filled with such humanity, complete with how simple or complicated things can be. I like her style too. She is a good spoken-poet as well and now I'm excited to re-read the book. Go check her Instagram!

Magic and Madness by Zack Shah

I say that I like Sheena Baharudin's style right? I LOVE Zack Shah's style. The titles summed it so well - it is filled with magic and madness. I always try to incorporate these two elements when I write my poems, so loving this comes come naturally. He plays with wizardry, the Greeks, pixies and moon and stars - I am hopeless. I'm still waiting for his new book (which God know when) and his Instagram account is not enough. I think he saved the good ones for his book.

21 by Tasha Lim

Tasha Lim self-published her books so there is no Goodreads review of it. I knew Tasha from my Instagram poetry meddling. I met few Malaysian poets on Instagram and we even did this small project where everyone needs to make a post about "hope" to celebrate New Year of 2017. You guys can check #newhopefromMalaysia (but you'll find plenty of work from Jack Malik which I'm pretty sure he just copy paste his hashtags and keeps on putting that hashtag). Enough about that, Tasha's poems stays true to her style of rhyming. Although there are plenty of love poems, it wasn't those cheesy and repetitive ones so I still enjoy it. Think of it as that light, breezy, Sunday morning reading with a cup of hot Milo. Her friend's drawing is so cute too.

Paracosm by Arina

I accidentally found this book and Arina is awesome. Apparently, she starts writing poignant poems at the young age of seven years old. Her works is all about humanity. She wrote about the war at Afghanistan, how people had to flee their county and she even wrote a piece dedicated to Aylan Kurdi. As you can see, the book was published by Tun Suffian Foundation because apparently, the sales of the book will be given to the foundation to provide scholarships. She is around 18 when she published this book. Look at her drawings too! This is one crazy-talented girl.

Daylight Dialogues by Charissa Ong Ty

I also stumbled upon this one and I'm still reading it. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The poems are easy to be understood but it sometimes feels like more of a really well-written sentence than a poem. It does deliver the message, even though the messages are mostly about that naive love and how it becomes passionate and then comes heartbreaks, which I think why it becomes so popular? I noticed such poetry books becomes popular and it saddens me because it isn't my type. So I can't really turn to "that famous poetry book" if I want a new reading. The short stories were good though and it is most probably because it stops being that cliche'.

Lullabies by Lang Leav

Now I can't really say poetry if I didn't read Lang Leav's right? Her book always sit at that best selling throne is MPH and Popular but I never buy one because INTERNATIONAL BOOKS IS DAMN EXPENSIVE. This is a preloved book and thank god I decided to buy a preloved one because it is so boring. Why can I like something that everyone likes? Again, it is the repetitive, love and heartbreak and not to mention her style are the same throughout the book. Sometimes, it kinda feels that I simply read the same poem in a slightly different arrangement. She does have that good "plot twist" thing that I love reading in a poem but apart from that, I can't really think of a reason to buy more of her books. I read it halfway and got really bored. Gotta re-read it and put it behind me.

There is one more book that I'm planning to read but I still don't buy it. Same like Tasha Lim's, it is a self-published book by Nuruljannah. I also knew her from Instagram. You can check her Instagram to buy the book. I think I'll just update this list when I finished reading her book.

That is all!

It's okay to not be spitting rainbow

Jan 24, 2019

There are two quite shitty things happened recently and I'm absolutely horrified even at the idea of tomorrow. Plus, there are some events to happen this week that are just as emotionally exhausting. Two of the event involves people that I'm not ready to meet. It's not like they are bad or anything, it's just me not wanting to meet peoples (at the moment, I'm not shutting out peoples) and be what they expect me to be when I don't feel like it. I'm not depressed or anything but these are some prominent things and the tense kinda builds up today so yeah, I am mildly panicking. Also, it's not really panic but somewhere in the middle of feeling unneeded worries and also, in general, feels like, I should be better than this but also like, do I deserve good things?

I don't even know how to write this feeling appropriately but I know I need to write it than simply sleep it off. Plus, I kinda made a deal with myself to write more about my mental wellbeing because these are important kinds of stuff that I actually Google-d but found nothing. 

No, I do not need the self-help or good vibes (which I'm pretty sure they are high on something) kind of advice. I just need a real talk.

The thing is, I always have this kind of feeling but it usually comes solo, not five drama straight thrown into my face to be dealt in the next 72 hours. When those moments come, I'll be totally occupied with it and that is hard for me because I'm always either letting go or unbothered. When something clings onto me, it just feels so tiring. I'm always reminded of the problems, always feels how it is going to be bad and it usually involve other people so then I have to also think about other's thought about me.

There is this one thing that lasts for a good fucking year before I have the courage to even accept the idea of letting go but I'm still like 30% attached to it. 

I know why we need to let go or how overthinking won't help but I can't help these feeling. I'm not asking pity. I just want to say that, it's okay to not be spitting rainbows all the time and this will get better. 

Also, do anything that will let you feel better at times like this. Binging funny sappy fanfiction is your thing? Do it! But those can only help so much until you realize where the problem is. The solving of a problem can only be started by first identifying it. This is what I'm doing, well, at least what I'm trying to.

I just want this month to be over ASAP and continue lives a mundane life. 

2018 Favorite Self Care Thingy (Part Two)

Jan 23, 2019

Note to myself to not make a topic into several part because only God knows when I'll actually continue it.

(read Part One - HERE)

Just a heads up, I'm quite far behind for January's goal but still, I will write everything about it. I'm also still so in love with BTS only now I'm a bit bias wrecked toward baby Jungkook. He is 5 years younger than me OH MY GOD. This is so tiring.

By the way, the pictures used in this post will be from the internet cause I'm just too lazy to move the pictures from my phone. Any suggestion on good apps for transferring files from smartphone to laptop? I used ShareIt before but the apps flop after they changed the company.

Dr Ko's Dermax - Acne Therapy Solution Clarifying Treatment Gel
I just have to include Dr Ko's product. You can read my experience for my acne treatment at Dr Ko's clinic HERE. Out of all the product I have used, this one is my favorite. If you are prone to acne or simply want a good product when that occasional acne comes visiting, this is IT. It is RM99 but totally worth it. I still have mine left and that has been used for over a year. I only wear it when there is some small acne popping out which was just amazing because it usually clears out in one day. I've told about Aiken (here) which also works wonder but I'm sticking to this one since it works so well in deeper acne as well. It is my foolproof backup plan to prevent from further breakout y'alls.

Dr Ko's Dermax - Miracle C Powder
This is my other favourite from Dr Ko's clinic but it is damn expensive. One vial only contains 1.9g powder and cost RM150 but it works so well! It truly brightens my skin which not only fades out the acne scar but overall makes my skin looks so much healthier. Medicine and all those products to cure acne can only do so much for skin because its main purpose is the acne. I was left with dull skin and patches of scar which awesomely faded so much with only one vial. I was thinking to buy another one but changes my mind to get the "buy one free one" facial treatment instead. I'm quite satisfied with my skin now and was thinking to try face serum. By the way, any good suggestion for face serum? I've tried Nano White and The Ordinary but not liking it.

Good Virtues Co - Anti Dandruff Care Shampoo

The saga of my dry and brittle hair continues. I've noticed that shampooing my hair makes it so dry. Since I wore scarves the whole day, combined with the sweats, of course, it just feels "not clean enough" if I only washed it with water. Good Virtues Co product is so mild that I wasn't left with that horribly dried out afterwards. I still need to use the hair cream but this is such a major breakthrough for me.

Sheet Mask from Guardian

Since my acne has cleared out, I tried using sheet mask to pamper myself. What I didn't expect is how good my skin feel, all supple and hydrated, which last a good whole day. Even more amazing, I didn't have any reaction towards it and the sheet mask is so cheap. Only RM5 each! I come to use more often and even made it into my Secret Santa gift at work.

Blue Light Filter + Matte Tempered Glass 

that's not my phone. just fyi.

Some of my co-workers were actually amazed at my tempered glass? It is not like it is exactly amazing but the fact that a simple tempered glass is noticed by a few other peoples made me want to include it in the list. While I love a clear tempered glass to complement the brilliant colour that my phone screen provides (it is Redmi Note 5A) the fingerprints are bugging me so much. So when the shop assistant says "yeah we have it but it is the one with the blue light filter", I bought it right away even though it cost RM30 (I have a principle to not but a tempered glass cost more than RM10). People rarely use matte tempered glass especially with a blue light filter coating which does look a little something else.

and I'm done!

January To Do

Jan 10, 2019

I'm playing Sims mobile because I want to like understand what playing Sims feels like but this mobile is like so basic so I guess it is not a good plan but I'm determined to have my sims married. 

Besides playing Sims, there are plenty of things I want to do this month. However, this post is scheduled to post today (10th January 2019) because traffic and stuff since I just posted my 2019's resolutions a few days ago (but I actually wrote both posts on the same days, talk about inceptions).

Firstly, I dropped that "Roll On" before my post's titles. I'm not actually sure how that started but it feels stupid for 2019 so yeah, goodbye.

Secondly, I've just updated my Pinterest board. I love it so, so much.

Now let's get on to it.

life on track

  1. Two blog posts - list of poetry books I have and 2018 faves part two
  2. Spring Cleaning my blog's labels
  3. Do Hatyai's itinerary planning 
  4. Update 10 poems discussion for Instagram
  5. At least have 5 days with 5k steps
  6. At least have 5 days with 10k steps
  7. Choose two cause to donate monthly
  8. Hang out leisurely with friends (done)
  9. Read 30 pages of Midnight Monologues
  10. At least have two weeks of tracking calories (not necessarily be calorie deficit)
  11. Puasa for two days

That's it!

Life - 2019 Resolutions

Jan 7, 2019

I know I should do this earlier but it doesn't really matter (cue for Bohemian Rhapsody).

I'm that person who thinks that if you want to change then do it now. Time is just a construct. But this year, it seems that the star has aligned. I finished my PRP early November. Had lots of off days during November and December to just have fun, do nothing and simply rest. But now, we are getting a fix in life. I can and I want to totally focus on me this time around so this year is going to be me figuring out myself.

There are two approaches to do this.

First, I will need to do a quarterly update (meaning I will update the progress at the end of March, June, September, and December). This will help me to get on track plus maybe dropping a thing or two if I think it is irrelevant.

Second, I'm trying to do monthly goals like Marzia did. I'm not a follower of lifestyle icon (?) because let's face it - those are so unrealistic. But apparently, I have a thing for Marzia. Her video is so cute and fun. It's a shame that she stopped doing videos. Anyway, you can't see it now since she has deleted her videos but what she did it that she has monthly goals which usually about three to four stuff but big stuff so it takes time to finish. Then she shares it through her video on the updates. I think the last one I saw is about her wedding planning like choosing a wedding dress. I will update in this blog since this blog is literally the best way for me to keep track of things

Image result for marzia gif

However, knowing that changes take time and I want these changes to be a permanent part of my life, we will do this slowly. Which is the very reason for that monthly goals so that I can focus certain things per month instead of wanting to do everything and bails. Oh yes, we are doing it slowly, basically, these resolutions is like things I want to have/developed by the end of the year.

Ok. Let's do this.

Image result for let do this gif

Lose weight

I never really put "losing weight" into a life-to-do-thing but since I have gained lots of extra weight especially during 2018 and I don't want to live a sad old life, I want to get in shape. This requires an active lifestyles and good eating habit. So for this, I'm aiming a weight loss of at least 1 kg per month. How?

  1. I need to really watch what I eat hence - calorie counting. There's an app called MyNutriDiari 2 which contains Malaysian foods that will make it easier for me to keep track of my calorie. Also, intermittent fasting diet seems good since I do want to have fasting as a habit.
  2. Living an active lifestyle. I want to commit to having 10k steps per day because I know it will be harder for me to actually go out and jogs. But I'll start gradually though. Same goes to doing calori deficit diet.
  3. Trying a simple exercise routine every morning. This is due to "Ikigai - The Japanese Secret to A Long Happy Life" that I just finished reading. It states how simple doing simple exercise daily can help you become happier or healthier. It's tempting because it simply suggests doing an exercise like taichi, qigong, etc, which is just a really simple set of movements. 


I put reading at a halt during 2018 since I want to focus on my PRP study and stuff. But I did finish a few books though and yes, I'm proud of myself. I'm always drawn to self-help books but for 2019, I'm going to read poetry and fictions only. I have pledged on Goodreads for 25 books this year. It will consist of all the poetry books that I have but still haven't finished reading and I'll treat myself to new fiction books. For fictional books, I'm thinking to just buy those that piqued my interest in Fatina's and Eyqa's review. I'm also going to read more local indie books ( I need to understand better what the fuss is all about). Oh yes, I need to try Murakami's too!

 money management

2018 is the year of spending and yolo-ing. But now, I need to be more responsible with my money. It kinda sucks seeing that I spend a lot but I'm not really sure for what? I'm pretty sure like half of it went to food and simply buying random pieces of stuff. I have a few things in mind for this.

  1. Set up monthly saving
  2. Set up monthly donations
  3. Set up monthly spending for family
  4. Start that save RM5 per day thing (I never menabung okay, I'm starting now)
  5. Keep a budget for food

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having fun

If you read my previous post, you would understand why "having fun" is a to-do list. I'm stupid at this. I think it is pre-decided that I need to travel right? Seeing how shitty I am at saving money, traveling could be a good motivation. There are a few places I want to go which I'm planning to go with my friend. I also read somewhere, that even if you don't actually go, planning also gives some sense of satisfaction so there's that. Plus, I also want to spend more time with my friends which are conveniently nowhere near me which means I need to spend more efforts to meet them.

  1. Plans trip for Hatyai, Singapore, Sabah, Brunei and Japan
  2. Hopefully, I actually put that planning on practice
  3. Hang out with friends at least once a month

trying more new things

I have a few things I want to do in 2019 which I'm not really sure how to categorize it so here it is

  1. Have a pet
  2. Learn Mandarin
  3. Learn brush painting
  4. Learn how to use a music instrument (I'm so attracted to ukelele at the moment)
  5. Be minimalist (literally going through stuff and ponders if I need it. Will do a post about minimalism)

spiritual life

I'm not the most spiritual being. You will be so amazed at this statement if you knew my dad. Anyway. I want to be better. I guess, being led spiritually is the thing that I need now. People says, well, just do more ibadah then you'll find peace et cetera, et cetera. Well, I'm not suddenly wanting to do more ibadah lah kan? I'm totally a noob here. There's plenty of things to do but the main question here is where am I starting?

  1. Try to read more Quran and hopefully khatam once this year
  2. Read Quran translation - like the whole thing.

I'll do another post on what I aimed for January and I hope I'll keep updating to see the progress of stuff. Ok. Do you think I'm being delusional wanting to do all of these? Will 2019 be different? Cause honestly, time is just a social construct but wasting it is just the biggest sin out there.

btw, I make a new tag "2019" specifically for this resolution thingy

2018 - of being alone

Jan 3, 2019

This is going to be long and I thought I need to edit this for readers but I'm not going to. I just want to be as raw as possible. I need to see this through. There might be some awful negativity but don't worry - I'm still a sane person.

There is this playlist at Spotify made by Smyang Piano called Just A Nap. I think I was looking for BTS songs in instrumental version and found this account. It was another lonely day with a hefty amount of stress and expectations. The worst was I didn't even want a company. No one feels good enough and I just settle with myself. I'm not sure if it was the familiarity of the BTS tunes or simply the faint, beautiful melody but it feels so peaceful that I forgo the study I need to do at the time and just sleep. I decided to sleep not because how weary I was with the stress or wanting to escape the loneliness but just how peaceful it feels in that few moments which I haven't feel for quite some time. I wasn't going to ruin it with unsuccessful attempts at studying so I sleep. 

I put that playlist on at this very moment and now I'm turning it off because it does not give me that effect anymore. I have tried it a few times before and never get that effect but I still try.

It was cruel. The whole of 2018. Cruel, brutal, heartless and I am grateful for every second of it. Wouldn't want it in any other way. Getting down to the bits of it is mundane though but for the most part of it - I am alone. You know words like "Allah loves you", "He never leaves you", "He is always there for you" - it feels so hollow now. The most twisted thing is that I've been in the states that make me understand how true those are which makes me feel more alone. I'm pretty sure my heart is as dark and cold and empty as what walid always preach us. That is like the most legit explanation. But I still feel quite okay and thus now I'm pretty sure I'm a masochist.

It was routine enough, go to work, crack a few jokes, being all teasing and fun. What I didn't realize is how dependent I was at that one-hour lunch gap to be alone. I just realized this quite recently. I live in the hospital's dormitory (but it is more like a studio apartment?) so I can afford to go back to my place during lunch hour and just be with me. I'm also addicted to living alone. My sister stays with me for about 3 months. It takes some time but then I realize that I look forward to the weekends because she always went home during the weekend. I don't think it was the introvert part of me but mostly to just get away from people and thus not needing to think about them.

Peoples usually don't get to me. I have this coping mechanism where at one point I'll convince myself to don't give a fuck even if you kinda stuck with them. It's not exactly ideal but when said peoples start to really get into me, I'll simply, religiously, remind myself, not to give a fuck and just let them be. If they are going to end up ruin themselves in the process then good for them. It's not foolproof though. Especially if I'm stuck between expectations to care and simply tired of having to care.

It was lonely but at the same time, it is comfortable. Yet it also feels hollow. That what eat me alive. Will being pious get rids of this? How on earth do I even start on being pious anyway?

There is this one song by BTS called Magic Shop that was meant to comfort you when you feel down. I love their music, yes, but I can't really relate to how they really appreciate their fan, ARMY. I'm not even sure I can consider myself an ARMY but Magic Shop is so endearing.

Magic shop” is a psychodramatic technique that exchanges fear for a positive attitude

The opening was "I know that you're hesitating because even when you say the truth, in the end, it will all return as scars. I'm not going to say anything blatant like "find strength", I will let you hear my story, let you hear it" The story was about how BTS suffer earlier in the stage and how ARMY's support helped them through so now they want to be here for them by doing these kinds of songs. Showing that BTS supports ARMY too. The beauty of this is that there is a song that acknowledges the pain and simply acknowledges it. Not things like it will be better because positivity or good vibes because those are as real as fairytale when someone feels down. What people want is that knowing someone understands that it is painful and there is someone that supports them. 

I'm not saying to go stan BTS but that thought is beautiful isn't it? Having someone always there for you. I'm not sure if that what I needed now but it is still a beautiful song.

I don't trust anyone. Literally no one. I shut out every person. I don't think I ever open up truly to anyone. I whined a lot but it was a careful whining too. Not too much info out. I just want people to see me as just one whiny person.

Above all of these - I am happy. 2018 has showed a new side of me. A strong one too.