2018 - of being alone

Jan 3, 2019

This is going to be long and I thought I need to edit this for readers but I'm not going to. I just want to be as raw as possible. I need to see this through. There might be some awful negativity but don't worry - I'm still a sane person.

There is this playlist at Spotify made by Smyang Piano called Just A Nap. I think I was looking for BTS songs in instrumental version and found this account. It was another lonely day with a hefty amount of stress and expectations. The worst was I didn't even want a company. No one feels good enough and I just settle with myself. I'm not sure if it was the familiarity of the BTS tunes or simply the faint, beautiful melody but it feels so peaceful that I forgo the study I need to do at the time and just sleep. I decided to sleep not because how weary I was with the stress or wanting to escape the loneliness but just how peaceful it feels in that few moments which I haven't feel for quite some time. I wasn't going to ruin it with unsuccessful attempts at studying so I sleep. 

I put that playlist on at this very moment and now I'm turning it off because it does not give me that effect anymore. I have tried it a few times before and never get that effect but I still try.

It was cruel. The whole of 2018. Cruel, brutal, heartless and I am grateful for every second of it. Wouldn't want it in any other way. Getting down to the bits of it is mundane though but for the most part of it - I am alone. You know words like "Allah loves you", "He never leaves you", "He is always there for you" - it feels so hollow now. The most twisted thing is that I've been in the states that make me understand how true those are which makes me feel more alone. I'm pretty sure my heart is as dark and cold and empty as what walid always preach us. That is like the most legit explanation. But I still feel quite okay and thus now I'm pretty sure I'm a masochist.

It was routine enough, go to work, crack a few jokes, being all teasing and fun. What I didn't realize is how dependent I was at that one-hour lunch gap to be alone. I just realized this quite recently. I live in the hospital's dormitory (but it is more like a studio apartment?) so I can afford to go back to my place during lunch hour and just be with me. I'm also addicted to living alone. My sister stays with me for about 3 months. It takes some time but then I realize that I look forward to the weekends because she always went home during the weekend. I don't think it was the introvert part of me but mostly to just get away from people and thus not needing to think about them.

Peoples usually don't get to me. I have this coping mechanism where at one point I'll convince myself to don't give a fuck even if you kinda stuck with them. It's not exactly ideal but when said peoples start to really get into me, I'll simply, religiously, remind myself, not to give a fuck and just let them be. If they are going to end up ruin themselves in the process then good for them. It's not foolproof though. Especially if I'm stuck between expectations to care and simply tired of having to care.

It was lonely but at the same time, it is comfortable. Yet it also feels hollow. That what eat me alive. Will being pious get rids of this? How on earth do I even start on being pious anyway?

There is this one song by BTS called Magic Shop that was meant to comfort you when you feel down. I love their music, yes, but I can't really relate to how they really appreciate their fan, ARMY. I'm not even sure I can consider myself an ARMY but Magic Shop is so endearing.

Magic shop” is a psychodramatic technique that exchanges fear for a positive attitude

The opening was "I know that you're hesitating because even when you say the truth, in the end, it will all return as scars. I'm not going to say anything blatant like "find strength", I will let you hear my story, let you hear it" The story was about how BTS suffer earlier in the stage and how ARMY's support helped them through so now they want to be here for them by doing these kinds of songs. Showing that BTS supports ARMY too. The beauty of this is that there is a song that acknowledges the pain and simply acknowledges it. Not things like it will be better because positivity or good vibes because those are as real as fairytale when someone feels down. What people want is that knowing someone understands that it is painful and there is someone that supports them. 

I'm not saying to go stan BTS but that thought is beautiful isn't it? Having someone always there for you. I'm not sure if that what I needed now but it is still a beautiful song.

I don't trust anyone. Literally no one. I shut out every person. I don't think I ever open up truly to anyone. I whined a lot but it was a careful whining too. Not too much info out. I just want people to see me as just one whiny person.

Above all of these - I am happy. 2018 has showed a new side of me. A strong one too.


  1. I feel you, girl. Deep inside that people never know at the other side. But dont worry, lets start refresh back in this year.


    1. I don't think I need to restart or refresh anything though but thaynk for the good thoughts.

  2. I love living alone too, sometimes just because I'm too lazy to greet people or to clean the house and wanting to go naked in the house. Sometimes just because I'd like to be lonely alone, seeping the feeling of lonely sadness in me just because though it's sad but it feels peaceful at the same time. My only housemate is a teacher and she's been away during the school holiday. Now that she's back, I can't wait for December again, already.
    I tend to shut people out and I don't trust anyone too but maybe unlike you, I have one and only friend that I share everything with, very very transparent with her, like she knows everything. But I guess no matter how deep she knows me how far the secrets I've told her that I never tell anyone else, she still can't beat me, myself. There's also some secrets and feelings that's only me knowing. So yeah, being alone actually is a good thing, a fun thing for me, maybe for us as I could totally relate while reading this.
    Anyway, wishing you a brighter 2019, hopefully ;)

  3. I think we kinda really have the same thing here. It isn't really anything bad. Rather than being with someone you don't want to right? Wishing a good 2019 to you too .

    Being naked is totally the most advantageous thing