It's okay to not be spitting rainbow

Jan 24, 2019

There are two quite shitty things happened recently and I'm absolutely horrified even at the idea of tomorrow. Plus, there are some events to happen this week that are just as emotionally exhausting. Two of the event involves people that I'm not ready to meet. It's not like they are bad or anything, it's just me not wanting to meet peoples (at the moment, I'm not shutting out peoples) and be what they expect me to be when I don't feel like it. I'm not depressed or anything but these are some prominent things and the tense kinda builds up today so yeah, I am mildly panicking. Also, it's not really panic but somewhere in the middle of feeling unneeded worries and also, in general, feels like, I should be better than this but also like, do I deserve good things?

I don't even know how to write this feeling appropriately but I know I need to write it than simply sleep it off. Plus, I kinda made a deal with myself to write more about my mental wellbeing because these are important kinds of stuff that I actually Google-d but found nothing. 

No, I do not need the self-help or good vibes (which I'm pretty sure they are high on something) kind of advice. I just need a real talk.

The thing is, I always have this kind of feeling but it usually comes solo, not five drama straight thrown into my face to be dealt in the next 72 hours. When those moments come, I'll be totally occupied with it and that is hard for me because I'm always either letting go or unbothered. When something clings onto me, it just feels so tiring. I'm always reminded of the problems, always feels how it is going to be bad and it usually involve other people so then I have to also think about other's thought about me.

There is this one thing that lasts for a good fucking year before I have the courage to even accept the idea of letting go but I'm still like 30% attached to it. 

I know why we need to let go or how overthinking won't help but I can't help these feeling. I'm not asking pity. I just want to say that, it's okay to not be spitting rainbows all the time and this will get better. 

Also, do anything that will let you feel better at times like this. Binging funny sappy fanfiction is your thing? Do it! But those can only help so much until you realize where the problem is. The solving of a problem can only be started by first identifying it. This is what I'm doing, well, at least what I'm trying to.

I just want this month to be over ASAP and continue lives a mundane life. 

1 comment

  1. thank you. it feels good to have someone wishing something nice to me.