Roll On: It Has Been 10 Months and What I Do To Feel Better

Aug 12, 2018

It's 4.30 am, I'm currently doing my night shift.

It wasn't as hectic as big hospitals and I decided that I need to write. So here I am.

I'm feeling much more at ease when I went to work these days. It was insane remembering how I used to be and I was thinking that maybe everything can be so much better if I wasn't so crippling in my anxiety and insecurities. This feels rather amazing. I can be me. Yet, it is not all rainbows and unicorns, I still have these anxieties within me. I still feel insecure about lots of things. It is just a bit tamed.

The most amazing thing is that my stupid ass even finds a new way to become anxious. LOL. There will always be moments that I cursed myself for being "too" me - too comfortable. Thoughts like "I'm crossing some boundaries" or "I need to be quiet because I'm just a nobody" or "Someone must be talking behind my back about how much I'm not doing any better" - these white noise is slowly eating me from inside. I'm so mad about how easily affected I am with it. That even if these thoughts are true, I shouldn't be bothered with it. But I do, I do very much.

I'm still useless when I'm tired. I envied how a PRP-mate of mine can push herself so bad by staying up late, doing faster jobs and were so brave. It is a good kind of envy as I feel a bit motivated to do more. Maybe not as much as her cause I'm so useless staying up late, but simply a bit more lahh.

Anywho, in the spirit of me being more comfortable at work and can control my anxiety and insecurities a bit better. I'm gonna share you guys about how I manage (this sounded so invalid, but trust me, these works)

1. Find some place to escape - periodically

Mine would be home. I made this rule that I need to go back home at least once every two weeks. It's one thing if this is KL and I have all my friends. If I stayed, I literally only have myself and my issues to myself. Not good. I love to go home. I do some chores, cooks, watch something on Iflix and just spend some time with my family. The idea of this escape is to force yourself to not think about your issues. Dwelling in it will make me feel worse. A bit of separation time is very important to me. Earlier, I'd still feel anxious even when I'm at home (I've written about this as well) but I always force myself to be present, which leads us to my second tips.

2. Be aware of yourself

Some people love to just be miserable and hope it just went away. I read somewhere (credible source of course), that you need to confront your issues - head first. You need to name what are you feeling. It helped me a lot knowing that I feel miserable because I'm having anxiety and insecurities almost all the time (lessen now, of course). It helps me to be present with my issues and coaxed myself to feel better because what I'm feeling is just some groundless feelings. This is not me being in denial - but I find myself so attracted to the idea of rationalizing things. That my anxiety/insecurities just me torturing myself. That it is most likely just me exaggerating or even if it is true - I need to let it go. Knowing exactly what I'm dealing with (by naming what you are feeling) helps me to decide if this a new issue or if I should spend time dealing with it. That is this only happens in my head?

3. Letting Go

I've told about Leo Babauta book The Letting Go Ebook (it's free) and his first free ebook that I love so much - "Little Book of Contentment". These books taught me about being grateful for what you have and to let go of things - especially my anxiety, insecurities, being afraid and peoples too. I've read it a long time ago but it has helped me a lot more these days. It wasn't some overnight success of course. It takes a lot of time (and practice) but the main point is to always do it. I think it is important that as much as I consistently went into this black hole of negative feeling that I always try to beat it with something positive with the same intensity.

4. Be productive

I can't stress enough how being productive will help you feel so much better. Especially in my case, most of my anxieties is that I feel that I need to give more. But you can't just start doing things randomly. I find myself doing daily to do list helped a lot. Be rational with it too. You don't want writing to many "to do" and end up feeling stressful because you can't live up to it. The satisfaction upon completing your daily goals will help you feel better. Even more so, being a slump (like what I always resort too), only will make you feel worst.  Not gonna lie though, I'm still so bad at it. 

5. Make your place awesome

I changed my curtain and buy some simple rack to put things. I always re-organize things so that it fits how I work around. It takes times and energy but it's totally worth for it. Having a place that makes you feel comfortable is important. If that cute plushies feel comfortable to sleep with - buys it! It some stuff feels just too much but you can't find the heart to throw it  - just throw it away already. If you don't have any idea - research! Pinterest is the best way to start. I remember how returning to my room used to be stressful. Now, when it feels more like me, I like it better. It feels like a safe haven for me. I like how it felt such a haven especially after a long day at work.

6. Good sleep is lyfeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Omg, I hate it so much when I can't sleep well. Currently, I'll put on earplugs (it wasn't loud, but the dull of not hearing anything feels good to sleep with) and I have this comfortable comforter which helped me a lot to sleep better. Phone before sleep is a big no no. I notice how I woke up better if I don't use my phone before sleep. I also used f.lux on my laptop that will automatically dim my laptop and reminds me that in how many hours I need to wake up. I had it bad earlier when I started working that it is just so hard for me to sleep and when I finally did, I'll have nightmares (work related, again, I've told about this as well) and thus end up not having a good sleep. It is such a long way for me to get my sleep. If you guys have the same issues, do figure it out. There's a lot of things to try to get better sleep. Try it all.

7. I finally got back to my lovely morning coffee routine

To have my me + coffee time in the morning is so IMPORTANT. It always helps me to set the right kind of mood to kickstart the day. When I have it bad with my anxiety, I was so anxious that I can't even enjoy my morning coffee and was always in a foul mood in the morning. My morning routine is so important for me. It was something I have done since forever. So when my anxiety makes it impossible to calm down and enjoy my coffee, it just makes me feel even worst. I insist on you guys to have some sort of morning routine too. Starting the day the right way is important to actually go through it.

Image result for coffee addict gif 

8. Writing

Writing is my best kind of therapy. Either on my blogs or working on poems for my Instagram account. I made it a point now to start writing poems again. You can see that my Instagram is now regularly updated. I know not everyone is gifted in writing. You can try writing in daily journals/diary. Even writing to-do list kinda makes me feels good. Peoples have always say that writing daily journals helped. I've tried that though, it didn't work for me. But writing in my blog and making poems does. If you can find a way to write things, give it a try! If you feel like writing a certain topic and don't have anywhere to publish it, I am more than happy to publish it here on my blog. Just DM me on my Instagram account

 Image result for poetry gif

9. Pray

I not gonna lie, I am by far not the most devout person. But praying is important. The moments after solat and at every time you feel down, say a little prayer. It makes me feel at ease a bit knowing that Allah always understands me and praying to Him and hoping in Him is the best way to cope with things. Especially when He is the one that holds the power over everything. I'd suggest trying Mathurat. It's filled with good and beautiful duaa. Pray :)