February Wrapped (so bad) and March To Do (hopefully)

February has been a disaster.

Hello folks. It is a lovely afternoon on the 3rd of March. How wonderful. The passage of time that stops for no one with me wasting out my youth and vigor. Such an interesting sentiment. Much wow.


Let's go through my February to do and put more BTS related and appropriate gif to truly portrayed how messed up everything is.

Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)

Omg Lullabies is so boring and I'm just not cut out for Hilal Asyraf's writing style. 

The funny thing is, I knew I've read some of Lullabies but I don't have any memory that I actually finished reading it! Lullabies was just so hopelessly heartbroken, not poetic enough (at least for me) and just so not for me that I just forgot I actually have finished it. How is that even possible? But I still re-read the whole thing. 

For 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan, I just finish reading it like just before I started to write this post. It is just not my kind of self-help book. I know I can only tolerate certain style of self-help book but trying to finish this in one month is such a hard task for me. The points in the book are like any regular dakwah styled self-help but the way it was arranged to be like one chapter per day and how kind the tone used is good and refreshing (I always feel that the sentap style is too exaggerated). Plus, the inclusion of many Quran sentences to justify chapter just made it so appropriately evidenced. But still, it was boring? That sounded so wrong. 

Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites) + Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)

I am three poems behind and it was because I put off everything until the last week of February. \ I'm planning to finishes the three poems left and uninstall Instagram because I'm going into an Instagram detox in March y'all. 

Check out my poetry discussion at my Instagram highlights at @afifahwrites. I even did one from Robert Frost (that guy who wrote Roads Not Taken in our high school literary text, remember him?)

Plan an itinerary to Singapore

I always told myself that "I need to check what I planned for February instead of lazying around" and then come to a conclusion "don't worry, I remember everything" - I don't. I have completely forgotten about this one. I'm not even sure where my itinerary notebook is.

Have 10 days of more than 5k steps + Track weekdays calorie


Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)

I'm pretty sure that my calorie intake is like all over at least every other day

Fast for three days
At least this is done although I got my period at 6.30pm for the last day. To be honest, I knew my period is nearing but I wanted to tick this one off so bad. I only got my dinner at 7pm so like, puasa lah tu.

Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work

To choose one, I need to try it first and see if I like it. So the problem was that I thought I need to follow a certain set of yoga from any yoga Youtube videos because I thought that is how yoga should work - do a certain set. But then keeping up with the set is exhausting since I am the most not flexible person and even though it states the "for a beginner" - it was so hard to keep up. So I  just find a list of movement to do and just slowly go through it one by one. Here is the list - afifah yoga thing.

he is disturbingly flexible

February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.

It was great to find a certain emotion and feeling within me and try to channel it out. But I notice that my flow is so not flowing. I'm not sure why. I know I didn't write much now but I used to have times I didn't write for a long period but I have never felt out of flow. You guys can check out my poems in my Instagram account @afifahwrites.

Keep track of daily spending habit
Apparently, even though I'm quite responsible about spending, I notice that I have a few spending commitment which is quite a sum of money. Plus I like food and treating food for others so there was where my money went. I need to learn to save money because my job now is a contract basis. I might be jobless in a little less than 2 year. Yay future.

Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.

I do wrote two post but I change the cooking one with my lippies collection. One of the reasons why everything is messed up is because I am everywhere. I plan to focus on my monthly goals during the weekend but I'm almost always somewhere or some chores to do every weekend so that means stocking up food will most likely end up spoiling it. So I post about my lippies instead. I just did a week of grocery shopping for cooking last Thursday so I will come up with part two of that cooking thingy this month. 

Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Like I say before, my weekends was busy so I don't have time to spend with my friends.

Some things that I have not planned but I did and I just want to share it here

We went to visit my baby brother at his school and it was a simple hanging out and eating food. We brought him out and spend a night there at a cozy homestay. There was a paddy field right beside us. So that one weekend out. 

There is this one weekend that I wanted to bake cookies and went to a river but it all went south when my aunt got hospitalized for unstable angina. She is fine, nothing serious, so I thought. She was only at our house because she loves visiting us and she always stays for a few days.

Much to our surprise, the next week, my uncle (the husband of the said aunt) also got rush to Emergency for being unconscious. He was having a really high blood pressure but it wasn't too serious and thus not warded. At the very same day, his grandson, broke his arm while playing with his friend. The poor boy need to go into surgery to put some wire to align the bone. The week got even more complicated when my aunt get hospitalized again. We are now waiting for a check-up at HKL to see if she has any more health problems. Thank god she was at home this time. At least her children are close. So we went to spend the weekend there.

I know these sound a bit gloomy and drama filled but it was honestly a good weekend. We splurged on Mc Donald for breakfast on Saturday and got happy meal's toy for the kid with the broken arm (he was so stressed out during his hospital stay because he can't get off his bed unless if he need to use the bathroom). My aunt makes curry noodles on Sunday (yup, the very same aunt that got hospitalized twice in the span of one week). 

I also got to meet my cousin newborn daughter. I think she is like three or four months old now but god she has grown out so much from the last time I saw her. My baby cousin still favour my sister over me (yes, I have a cousin who is still a baby, a two year old actually, but I'm still calling him a baby) and my other cousin's 2 years old have now learned to say "tak boleh" to practically everything, or probably just me.

I also watched Back to The Future - part one and part two. It was good especially since it is one of the pioneer movies in time travelling and sci fi in general. But I just don't feel like I need to watch the last one. It is basically time travelling. I do appreciate how the Doc explain stuff and making all thing sounds legit.

I also finished watching Bad Genius (I started watching this last Eid lol) and The Age of Adaline (I almost forgot that I have watched half of this). Bad Genius was lengthy but the ending was good. The Age of Adaline should have more details on Ellis and Adeline love story plus it was something seeing Blake Lively and Harrison Ford in the same movie. 

I also watched two Korean movies - Old Boy (so traumatizing) and Lucid Dream (good storyline but the lucid dreaming part is just wrong and unrealistic). Oh ya, I watched Ponyo too! Ghibli Studios never fails me. I did a few night shifts so it was either watching Netflix or reading. But my "to be read" are so boring and I can't afford making myself sleepier so Netflix it is. Funnily, Netflix movie is only like one hour and a half but I still hope they have fast forward option cause I have limited attention span but I a people of culture. I need to be appropriately movie cultured.

Oh ya, I did a Twitter free February and decided that I love spitting nonsense on Twitter so I'm back at it.

Wow. There are so many things happened during February.


So for March, we are taking it a step back by making 6 things only.

  1. We are reading fiction  - Norwegian Wood (my first Haruki Murakami's) and I'm still looking another fiction book. At first, I want to read The Nutcracker Men (a fiction book about World War One) and I am down three chapters when I decided that I'm not spending March with this fella. I want to be truly involved in a storyline which usually means some Young Adult's novel. Do suggest one for me!
  2. Improve my blog familiarity among bloggers - I have 496 followers now. I don't really care about it but it is something to be 4 followers ways to 500. So I'm focusing this month to learn about more bloggers and just add more blogs to my reading list. This usually means more blog walking and following and if you guys got Twitter, I'll be following that too. I still need some kind target so let's do this until I got 500 followers.
  3. Write one post about my cooking thingy and one post about how life has been being over 25 years old.
  4. Since I'm too lazy to go out and get that 10k steps - we will be doing zumba. I'm not putting any target except for trying to do it as much as possible
  5. Write an itinary to hatyai that includes krabi and to Singapore.
  6. To skip heavy dinner every other day - I need to take my diet seriously.

seokjin slim waist and broad shoulder = dorito is a good motivation

I took almost two hours writing this. OMG. 

I need dinner.

ps: If anyone got annoyed with the amount of BTS memes/gif, my goal has been achieved. If anyone is actually entertained by it, good, my goal has been achieved as well. I like to think I'm so cunning this way.

My Lippies Collection (why on earth i have this much for?)

from left to right as according to the following pictures as well as how I'll be numbering the review. yeah, the lippies colour doesn't really varies from one another.

This post was initially supposed to be my second part of that cooking thingy (which was supposed to be published in February but moving on). However, I don't have enough material since I don't cook much (it such a hassle since there are plenty of off days which means I go home which means if I buys groceries it will take such a long time to finish which means it will simply go bad and I still have some sweet potato in the fridge ffs)

So instead of that, I'll be writing about my lippies since it is amazing how I have all of these when I put on make-up about five times per month and I only tried so much to at least put a lippy for about once or twice per week.

I was actually just going to simply explain how the colour looks and that is just stupid. I'm doing a lippy review. I need to put pictures lah kan. So now I need to like put on a scarf and put on a lippy and snap a picture and then wipe it off (where is my makeup remover?) and repeat for all seven of it.

1. OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color (code 05 Rosewood) by Silkygirl

This is my favourite kinda nude coloured lipstick. I'm not sure why but nude colour never really works out for me. It either looked too red to be nude or just too pale or maybe because I have a slightly darker lips. But this one is just so nice with hint of rosy. Apparently, I just don't like too nude of a colour as it does looked too "pop out" with it pale-ish tint. But this colour looked so natural and most importantly, my lips doesn't looked sick.

2. Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion (code coral) by Sendayu Tinggi

I followed Yatie's Instagram cause I loved how she made Sendayu Tinggi looked so classy and I just have to try this one. I wanted to try how the cushion applicator feels which she made it looked so good and it is actually that good. I choose a slightly pinkish orangey colour cause I never buys this kind of colour and I like it. It wasn't drying my lips and so smooth too. It is somewhat  between a lip cream and a lip gloss. 

3. Mlbb Lip Tint (code 04 nude) by Silkygirl

I love this lip tint so much! First of all, it's a lip tint which means the application is simply this smooth gliding and it looks like I don't really put anything. But it have a bitter taste. It was so weird to lick your lip and taste this metallicish thing. The colour is so good so I'm still buying a new one when this runs out.

4. Matte Fever! Lipstick Balm (code 04 siren) by Silkygirl

I bought this years ago for my final year faculty dinner. I wanted a really good flaming red colour. It was a really pleasant memory actually. Buying this I mean. I was fooling around with my friend trying few raging red colours because I wanted a specific red hue which is this one. Not too orangey, just as red and a little bit dark. Every girl need one flaming red lipstick.

5. Lingerie Matte Lipgloss (code 11) by Kiss Beauty

I bought this last Eid, I guess? There is an Eid's bazaar held here and this cosmetic shop was selling their lippies for like RM1, or was it RM2? - the point is, it is really cheap. I know the quality will be bad and I'm not even sure if this is an original product (I've never heard of this brand too lol) but I thought for that cheap price, I can buy one  lip matte in nude colour and just see how it looks. I've never wore a nude lip cream (only swatch it on my hand and never found any that I like). I hate it. It looked so pale and feels so dry. I only use it as a cream eyeshadow instead. It gave a light pinkish colour which looks great as eyeshadow.

6. Matte Junkie Lip Cream (code 05 vixen) by Silkygirl

My cousin gave this to me. The lip cream texture is only a little bit dry and won't really bother much if you let your lips soften by applying lip balm beforehand. It doesn't have the lip gloss feels like the one by Sendayu Tinggi. The colour is beautiful but it wasn't the right shade of red that I like. I usually wore this to give an ombre look because lip cream works better to give that ombre look than a lipstick.

7. Aloe Vera 99 Lipstick by Peinfen

It a knock out fake version of Nature Republic. It was RM5? Anyway, my lips feels so dry and I was desperate (this is the closest shop near my house). I though the aloe vera will helps. It does not. It does feels like glossy and moisturing but it doesn't really help my lips. If you don't have any dry lips problem. this will give you that smooth glossy feels but if you do have dry lips, you can still feel that dryness. However, I didn't know it turns red when you apply it so yay. It's like lip balm with cool red colour instead of that faint pink that some lipbalm gaves out. I don't like lip gloss but this gave just the right hint of glossy and I usually swipe some of my cheek and it gave this glowing, like a really subtle highlighter, which looks so natural. Anyway, back to my desperate search for lip balm but ends up with this, since my lips were still annoyingly dry, I still put on decent clothes and went to the mall and get two lip balms (one for my handbag and one for my work bag).

why the heck he got such full lips?? was this post simply an excuse for me to put picture of his full lips?

That's it. These are some drugstore products only. I don't think I'll ever buy anything pricey cause

1. I don't wear makeup regularly and
2. I like it when water and good amount of scrubbing could easily wipe off the stain.

Reapplying it is a bit inconvenience but to be honest, I hardly reapply it pon.

Now that I think of it, I really just need three lippies - lip balm/lip tint in red (these lip balm/lip tint formula will give a more subtle look), some good natural nudish colour (my go to would be the OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color) and one lip cream with my that specific red tone that I like (something like Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion but with code siren of Matte Junkie Lip Cream).

Out of all lippies out there, I think lipstick would be my favourite. Or probably a good lip cream. What about you?

Talking About Feelings and Being Free

I've been into multiple cars and motorcycles accidents - both with or without a second party and caused or not caused by me. The worst physical wound I got is some scratches that leave the faintest mark of scars but there are two occasions where the wrecked cars are condemned a "total lost".

The last car accident I've been, about three or four years ago, was caused by me and I went into this really depressing mode. This accident particularly hits me deep. Probably because the fact that I cause it and the car got totaled, probably because my friends were also in the car and I don't think I'll ever say sorry enough and it was also probably because walid wasn't there to take care of things. Or maybe it was cumulative of it. There are some things I remember so well and surprisingly, it wasn't the accident itself.

I remember I cried and I only did because I trusted that friend (she is a kind soul that way). I remember that she admits she was a bit clueless initially because she didn't expect me to cry. I never thought that I gave out that "no crying kind of person" vibes.

I remember feeling so depressed that one day I just hop into a bus, wander aimlessly, end up in a mosque and just sits there.

I remember my aunts were so shocked and went to visit at UKM and I remember that I gave out the most reassuring smiles and faintly, just so faintly, imagines, if mak was still alive, will I worries her this much too?

Then I remember when my housemates and I were going out, and one of them was asking for me to drive and she asked it with the most natural way that I didn't actually "totaled" a car a few weeks before. I drove that day and it feels so good.

Those moments holds some of the most important feelings I have ever experienced in my life and one most powerful emotion particularly is fear.

If there is one thing that I learned from all those accidents is that - fear is a really overpowering feeling and that I fear of having to relive those fear again. Yet at the same, knowing fear that close has also made me realize just how strong and capable I can be.

I know I can't ride a motorcycle as fast as I did before and I don't have any problem admitting that I was traumatized but I still ride. I still don't mind the long travel as well and even with the slight fear still pulsing in me when I ride, it's kind of okay. 

I got a bit nervous driving walid's Innova (since it's bigger) but each time, I just drive cause I know after a while I'll be comfortable like I have always been. That somehow, a bit of driving, will remind me that I know this. The shift of gears, to keeps your eyes for others, glance the back mirror every once in a while, etc etc.

I realized that I made myself not to drive over 120 km/hour (90 km/hour on a motorcycle) because it kinda triggers some anxiety in me and that feels quite okay too (except when cutting a car, duhh).

I also realized that I prefer to not be driving if I ride with other people because I think I'm just not good enough and that peoples just don't want me.

Almost amazingly, all of this anxiety or fear or traumatized or phobia or whatever peoples call it wasn't really about the accidents but more about fear. I was fearing the aftermath feeling - fear. I wasn't fearing about getting into another accident because I'll never be driving if that is what I fear. I feared the moments after it, the shock, the paramount rush of feelings that comes after, that no ones really understand what I'm feeling and can tell me what I need to hear and that is kinda lonely too. It was so overwhelming that I just can't get a hold of myself. I know the accident is over and I'm okay and everyone is okay but I just am deeply scared.

By time and thorough thinking, I guess, I got better. I feel better.

What those have really helped me throughout life is that it is hard to control what we feel and sometimes we just can't and it is okay. Peoples be saying choose happiness, choose to let go, etc etc but it has been a long and hard way for me to get there and I still got lost sometimes and those "good vibes poster advice" is really annoying. At times, feelings are so overwhelming that I forgot - I am somehow now, are controlled by this.

Feelings are the most addicting things but we never ever choose it and it always sucks us in without us realizing that we are being drowned.

But out of all feelings out there, fear is the most interesting one for me. It's good to find happiness in the most trivial way or to feel sad when your loved ones are dead. But fear is much more interesting. Everyone feels happy when eating their favorite food and everyone feels sad if their loved ones are dead but does everyone have a fear for, I don't know, let's say, driving? Does everyone that got into accident grow fears for driving? Fear is the most crippling things that we let it be.

There is this person, she is some sort of an authoritative figure, and my friends and I always feel like "die lah weyh if need to work with her". You see, what fears thought me is to imagine the worst possible things that might happen and what I need to do. That helps me to justify things are just not much of anything to start feeling fear in the first place. It calms me and helps me to think clearer. However, somehow, we always ended up doing stupid mistakes around her. It stops being scary and started to become a fact that I just have to live with. That is me conquering fear.

"I know I'll do some kind of mistakes somehow and at this point, I don't care anymore, I just need to take note what the mistakes are and just hopes not to repeat it again"

Image result for it's okay gif

There are a lot of other things that I fear and some of it is just so exhausting. The second most common theme of fear that I, and probably most peoples in the world, is people expectations. 

There are a few things I've learned from this kind of fear, which is sort of funny. It is that (1) whatever people expect from you is really their own problem because life still goes on (2) even if you  know that it is disappointing of you not to achieve "average expectations" - no one actually made it a lifetime thingy to be bothered when we are somehow being scarred for quite some time and the most important lesson is that (3) some people don't actually expect anything and we are the ones who constantly being worried that "what if people say so and so"

Image result for dont give a fuck gif

But people's expectations always gets to me. Even today.

You guys probably are weirded out by how deep I feel with this topic of fear. I find it interesting to think it through and this helps me to say "it is okay" more truthfully. I think saying "it's okay" is way more important than saying "everything will be alright". Peoples be feeling like shit and someone just say it will be alright? When?

All those moments I formulated the possible outcomes, I always end up saying, it's okay if this or this happens. It just what life is. I'd probably feel shitty for a while but it's okay. Even if there are people's expectation and I did fail them, "it's okay". Nothing good comes from over worrying it and fearing the next possible awful thing to happen.

I don't know why I wrote this. It lacks an actual purpose and I don't even know how to wrap everything but you know what, it's okay.

January Wrapped and February To Do

It is February already and January was perfect. Though I'm not exactly ace-ing the to-do list for January. Let's go through it, shall we?

Two blog posts - list of poetry books I have and 2018 faves -part two

I procrastinate the list of poetry book so bad. It got held back because I can't find good apps for sharing pictures from my smartphone to my laptop. I used to email it which is such a troublesome. I resort to using Google Drive instead. Oh ya, I hated using a USB cable. I'm staying true to become wireless.

Spring Cleaning my blog's labels

It is not 100% done but I manage to clear the important ones. Basically, I'm trying to categorize my posts instead of putting random labels. There are hundreds of post to go through. So I'm going to take some time.

Do Hatyai's itinerary planning 

I've told that I wanted to at least wrote itinerary as my New Year's resolutions. I bought a mini notebook for this. Hatyai's trip is pretty straightforward. I just noted the ticket price, it's going to be a 3-days-2-night trip and what market to go. Although I do notice that the train ticket got sold out so quickly.

Update 10 poems discussion for Instagram

I got so lazy to do this. I think I only manage to do four? But I'm determined to at least finished studying 10 poems even if I didn't manage to put the discussion on my Instagram account. The poems are really interesting. Scroll down to get the link to my poetry account.
Image result for why i'm so lazy

At least have 5 days with 5k steps + At least have 5 days with 10k steps

I FAILED SO BAD. I got so tired and lazy after work that I just give up. I tried to do it during the weekends but yeah, I don't. There is actually one day that I went out to the field to get the 10k steps but OMG 10k is a lot. I only managed to get 5k because it was getting dark. I got few days that the steps go beyond 5k. Google Fit isn't showing monthly stats? I did buy Mi Band 2 to get me more motivated. So let's do this Afifah!

Choose two cause to donate monthly

I thought of choosing two cause since, y'know, get the money spread and stuff. That is when I remembered Yayasan Dana Kebajikan Muslim Malaysia (YDKMM). I knew some of the volunteers or should I say, members? I'm not quite sure but they did a lot. From really good programs to help youth, collects funds for disaster/hunger/asnaf and qurban too.

Hang out leisurely with friends (done)

The idea was that I specifically target which friend I need to hang out for the month so that I can nurture our bond (wallawei ayat). I was thinking to hang out with these two friends that lived quite far from me and I did. It was so good cause I can talk a lot with them since I'm really comfortable with them. It was a good time. I miss them already.

Read 30 pages of Midnight Monologues

One of my resolutions is to read 25 books and it's like the middle of January when I realize that I need to read at least two books per month to reach that goal. I can be so stupid someime. Anyway, I'm just a few pages away to finish Midnight Monologues.  Need to do some catching up fellas.

At least have two weeks of tracking calories (not necessarily be calorie deficit)

I did and it was confusing, frustrating but also satisfying? Using MyNutrisi Diari app is good because they have plenty of Malay food but the portion can be confusing. But actually, I just need to eat the right portion. Plus, there is this easy option to state the portion you have had and even if the food is not listed, I can simply Google the calorie and adjust it accordingly. It helps to understand how I can control food intake strategically. I have lots of days that I go beyond the normal daily calorie intake though.

Image result for gif i love food

Puasa for two days

I wanted to do another day but I got lazy and now I am PMS-ing which means I feel hungry all the time plus I'll always feel slightly hypoglycaemic which is not good. Not good at all.


Ok now let's go to February's goals! I think we can add my resolution to be wiser in money management for the month.

  1. Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)
  2. Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites)
  3. Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)
  4. Plan an itinerary to Singapore
  5. Have 10 days of more than 5k steps
  6. Track weekdays calorie
  7. Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)
  8. Fast for three days
  9. Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work
  10. February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.
  11. Keep track of daily spending habit
  12. Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.
  13. Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Ok guys. I just need you guys to pray for me. Pray that I DO ALL OF THIS.