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Starting Somewhere

Apr 24, 2024

I haven't posted for a year and a half. I posted something about living in my late twenties last time and now I'm 31. I still keep paying for the domain though. Mostly because I wanted that domain all to myself - just in case. 

A lot has happened. My father died due to a heart attack and now there are just us. I have been put in charge of my outlet for more than a year now and I am so stressed out about that. I get to do two Ramadhan and Raya fully at home, so grateful. I wanted to travel more before my passport expires so I made two trips to Singapore and once to both Thailand (Bangkok and Phuket) and Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh and Dalat). The trips were so good and I love the style that we did it.

Also, I met a guy. He's great and I'm so in love.

I guess this pretty much summed up much of what has happened. If we go into detail, I would have so much to say about everything. From how messed up I'm feeling at work but at the same time feeling fulfilled to how much I love feeling in love to all the little fun trips and cafe hopping I get to do too plus being able to spend more time with my family. For now, this is a good summary.

So here I am - writing again after so long. I have been meaning to write for months because writing always clears my mind. I thought it could help me reset my mind and get more focused to improve my work and personal life. The problem is I don't feel "calmed and focused" enough to actually start writing. Not to mention with everything happening, writing really didn't sit well as priorities at all which is really a shame for me knowing how this has work well for me the last time I have a turmoil in my life.

A lot has happened for the last two months at work which has greatly affected my mental health as well as my personal life. It has also put me into deeper reflection and internal discussion with myself. I also got my manager into it. It got me thinking if quitting is the solution yet it's not like I feel I'm not able to handle the job - it is mostly how I choose to let work affect me and how I response to it. Let's be honest, the job never finishes, how we get around it is the important thing to truly have a balanced work/life.

I got to figure out some good points to get through better at work. A sort of reset I guess. There's this journal thing I started to do which I'm still perfecting the inclusion of it into my daily life. I got few pointers that I ought to practice and most of it all, I need to learn how to let go at work. workload and also expectations. 

I was hoping this will help me to get a better personal life too. All these stressing really has put my body into a constant tiredness. Just last night I simply dies after my solat. It was so hard to wake up too. I was in a better state of mind but still, my physical body still took a lot. 

One thing at a time I guess - and getting back to writing does feel like a good start.

Living Late Twenties : 30 Questions Before Turning 30

Oct 20, 2022

I found this question on Elite Daily. If you guys feel like doing it as well, let me know so I can read it as well. I don't feel like ranting so let's just get straight into it.

What am I looking for in a partner?


I have told this before that during my time in Kuantan, I come to an understanding about myself that I do have certain physical attributes that draw me in. Apart from that, I'm looking for someone who can match my wit, and ways of thinking but most importantly, someone that I can enjoy a conversation with. This has led me to a certain type of personality and educational background too. I'm good at matching people's energy which indirectly makes me a people pleaser. So, on the surface, it might look like we get along well and don't get the wrong impression - we really do get along but I'm looking for someone that can bring out my other sides and someone that I can enjoy a good banter #lol


Is this the person I want to spend my life with?

I have been single for years so we can skip this questions

What will make me happy?

The first thing that come to my mind is traveling. You see, I enjoy traveling, but I'm not an avid person for one. Really not the wanderlust vibe kind of people that travel for experience and culture and need to go around the world etc. I really only look at it as a way of spending your holiday. I'm also not one that want to spend energy into planning long trips too but I love doing short trips. It's less demanding and easily executable. This is something rather new that I come to understand about myself. I like the feeling of being in an alternate life and just absorb it all. It feels like a break for the mundane of life and give a chance for me to clear out my head. It's not necessarily being clearing out the stress but more on giving myself a chance to see things in different perspective. Let's hope for more travel!




 Is this worth it?

For now, my work is the only thing that got me thinking the worthness of it all. Is this really worth to spend my entire life for. I'm barely a year into this new environment of working that is really ideal for my growth but I'm starting to think how this might not be it entirely. It might not be someone that I want to see myself being in the future. I need to do a total career change if I really pressed on this further. I'm giving myself a few months to think this through first and the necessary life adjustment I might need to venture if I really do want a career change.

Is this the job I want in 10 years?

Oh god, I don't expect that this question directly linked to my answer in the previous question. For now, I'm 60% sure that I don't want it in 10 years.

Do I miss him?

I don't know. There's red flags but again, we don't really know each other. I'm not sure if I actually miss him or the ideal of him or the good times we spend with each other itself.

Do I have any real regrets?

I don't. One thing I always come to terms with whatever thing life throws at you is that - I always looking at it as a life experience. Simply a way to learn more about life and myself. Even if I did something regretful, I'll try my best to accept it and move on.

What goals do I still have?

I don't have goals. I don't know what I want in life. I'm living one day at a time and only do necessary changes when I feel that the current on isn't what I want. I'm good at knowing what I don't want. However, pursuing writing a lot more seriously seems good.

 What impact that I want to make?

I'm fairly a simple person. I don't feel like I need to make an impact. If my writing could give an impact to whoever reading it, that would a good kind of impact that I would greatly appreciate.

Do I want a family? 


 A partner, yes. A family as in my own kids, I don't feel that those are meant for me.



Are my friends really my friends?

Being 29, I think I'm settled with the few friends I have. That I can trust wholeheartedly. Yes, they really are my friends.

Am I a good friend?

I can't vouch for myself for sure but I would be more than willing to do anything in my power to help my friends.

Is this the city that I want to live in?

I have never been able to see myself living here back home. However for a year or two from now, I feel like I need to be here for my siblings and it feel the most right thing to do. I've been thinking about how I love living in Kuantan. I used to think that such cities can be a good place to live in and indeed it is. The six hours journey really isn't it though. Probably would be a better choice once the trains are ready?

 When was the happiest time of your life?

There are multiple occasions that makes me feel happy but I like to think of this question to be one defining and monumental occasion which I don't have yet. Maybe there'll be one for me in the future.

 Am I a good daughter?

Again, I can't vouch for myself plus my father isn't really one that talks out stuff. My family is everything for me and for that I will do anything in my power to make them happy.

 Am I a good person?

I get to interact with lot of people working in retail and being in pharmacy especially means people who are in need of help. It's basically my daily basis. I always reflect myself after assisting a customer. Did I really helped them out? Did I really listen to them? Was there any bias involved? There's pressure of needing to do sales, I'm not going to deny that but I always hope that I really, really helped out. That my suggestions are only those that benefits and that I didn't give false expectations. I hope I'm a good person to them.


Do I care what people think of me?

As of at this moment, I care too much. I let some things get to me too easily and too much too. Not all, just some. I'm not one to care too much actually so for me to be this bothered just exhaust me. I thought I got a good grip of myself at 29 years old but it seems new environment warrant me the chances to still improve this part of myself.

Should I feel guilty about cutting someone off?

I would say that I don't open up much to people and for the past few years of my life, having to live alone, I become so comfortable with myself. I don't necessarily feel the need to always be with peoples. I'm content with the few friends I have and the occasional meeting up with old friend or new people. It also means that I just don't feel the need to be connected with people I don't enjoy their company. It's kinda natural now. I don't feel guilty whatsoever. It is what it is.

Are my friends the friends I want for life?

Yes. See, here's the thing. Peoples around my age usually has a partner or has already married. It's just imposibble to stay connected to them as they also have other people they need to commit too. What this also means is that it's not easy to build a new friendship too so I don't see the possibilities of making and investing new frienships in the future. So, there's that. I'm grateful that the ones I have now are great but that's quite a POV now doesn't it?

Do people respect me?

At first, I thought this is a stupid question. How can you know if a person respects you? I think we can gauge something from how people response to you but that will be extirely up to how you perceive things. Then again, knowing this objectively could really help your growth too.  

 Do I care enough about my body?

I'm not sure if this question was meant for body image or body health. However, it feels better to direct it to health. I've learned to be more concious about it but sadly, I'm not doing much to maintain it. I want to first improve my diet as in eat healthily and on time and like at least get 10k steps per day. I should really put more effort in this as I'm starting to feel I get tired easily and can hardly focus well too.

 Can I speak up for myself?

I can and sometimes it can be such little thing which I don't even realize it was me speaking up for myself. It could be that I feel "you're having a wrong assumptions about me" so now I'm "just clarifying". However, I wouldn't put myself as far as being "the change" in an uncooperative situations but to the very least, if the situations permits, I don't have a problem to walk out from it too.

 Is it too late to change?


Of course not. Especially if you put out effort, surely there's a mean for you to effectively adopt change.

Do I need someone?

I used to think I'm independent enought that I don't need anyone. I could simple wait. Now, however, still as independent, I feel like needing someone to be there for you is such an assuring thing to have in your day to day life. So yeah, I do need someone.

Do I need more?

The more thing I need in life right now is feeling accomplished and satisfied with whatever I'm doing. Be it at work or vacationing, I yearned to always make the most from it and it could differ from one situation to the other but there's a little "I've done it" achievement that I want. I'm still that "living life one day at a time kind of girl" but now I value those feeling of achievement more conciouslly.


 Am I ready to be an adult?

Yes I am. It might be only a partial of how the society perceive what an adult is, but on my own term, I am and seeking to always be a better version of it. I'm also learning my boundaries and with that I'm also learning to not be intimidated by others.

Have I challenged myself?

I have and I want to challenge myself more.

Will I found love?

I really don't know. As I told before, having someone feels good of course but I'm not obsessed over it. I would feel bad if I can't find anyone though but if it is meant to be, it will be.

 Do I have the life I wanted?

I don't know what kind of life I really wanted. There's some aspect in my life that I still want to venture around more and see how it takes me. For the past 5 years, I've been moving around few times and get to experince multiple workplace environment. If one thing I have learned is that 20's or even 30's can still be early to simply settles down. Life can offer so much more for you to really understand yourself better and knowing what kind of life you wanted.

Am I really 30?

        I'm 29 actually but yes of course I am really turning 30. So what? 


Living Late Twenties : Of Not Living Alone

Oct 5, 2022

I think I need to continue my "Being Present in Life Writing Challenge" so that I feel, you know, more present in life. The issue is however, it was initially catered to my life living alone. It kinda feels irrelevant now that I live with my family again. I have to admit that it does feel a whole lot better to have my family around whenever I'm having my slump mode. So to commemorate my current way of not living alone, I feel like I need to highlight whatever different things since. By since I mean two months. 

Wau, it has only been two months only lol.

To start with, I've been doing lots of renovation-ish or sort of mending around the house now that I'm actually living here. For the past two months, I've been in bouts projects mainly focusing on our upstairs space. 

A few years back, my parents did a big renovation on our upstairs space which added three more rooms and a medium-sized common space. My siblings who were still living here hardly use the rooms save for my brothers whenever they are back. However, for the past few months, my siblings started to use these rooms and I am currently sharing one of the rooms with my sister too. We're a big family. As these spaces weren't used before, it wasn't really comfortably room-ish save for beds to sleep on. So I put myself in doing bits of renovation projects here and there to make the space of better use plus having the common area become more comfortable for us to leisure around or do work.

This includes putting up more storage space stuff and making my sisters follow my rules of putting things away, repurposing or recycling old stuff whenever possible, having some new fixtures and I even went into hand sewing stuff too because I can't be bothered to actually learn how the sewing machine work. 

Don't worry, learning how to operate this sewing machine is on my to-do list. 

I've been repurposing an old dressing table, upcycling this old wooden sofa set, reorganizing our study tables, reorganizing the clothing cabinet, putting up curtains, putting up a more organized way of keeping the tudung and shawls, mending old pillows, mending the old iron board and I even set up timetables to make sure the laundry is done and the space were all swept. 

You can see mending and recycling stuff is quite a theme but I have been throwing out tonnes of old stuff too. Funnily, that also involves breaking up and packing things and having to throw them away in another dumpsite area as they won't be picked up by a garbage truck. I was actually amazed at the length I have achieved in mere two months because I am very much still working as usual. I do have my sisters who helped around though so that's a bonus.

Recently, as I am 90% done with having designated places for our stuff, I have also put in efforts to make my sisters adopt "clean as you go" behavior. These kids are lazy I told you. Nevertheless, it feels so satisfying seeing the space now all comfortable being used by them accordingly. 

We also have a small balcony upstairs. I wanted to turn it into a cozy small space to chill but since it is small, I can hardly fix much stuff there. I did come up with an idea to put fake grass there and have already bought it. So now we're waiting for it. We can probably just chill on the grass lol.

I still need to do something about the common space and reorganize some more stuff. Also for some reason, the lamp in one of the rooms simply won't turn on and we don't know why. Probably needs to learn about that too. Just a few days ago, I put up some simple wall decorations in one of the rooms and I feel like I need just one more clothes hanging space and be done with it. The wall decorations need some more touch-ups to it but I don't have any idea at the moment. Probably a visit to the shop will help. 

In the meantime, I spent some time hanging out with my family and friend too. My sister had her graduation the other day and almost the whole family got Covid-19 the week after. I finally watch the latest Dr. Strange movie and even Thor: Love and Thunder during my quarantine. I was lethargic for the whole week so I barely do anything but watch either Netflix or Disney Hotstar. We went to Air Force The Movie too and it was good. I got to try some new eating place around here and tries to cook more during my days off. I've been watching more Criminal Minds nowadays and simply loving it. 

Work has been a bit dull since it's a new shop. I was feeling demotivated too since I can't do many sales due to multiple reasons and it kinda put a toll on me. The most cliché thing is since it makes me more demotivated, whenever there is a customer, I went quickly assess even the slightest bit of rejection body language of the customer which is simply a depressing first mindset approach in retail. I need to keep on reminding myself to believe in my capabilities and to stop overanalyzing everything. It's tiring really.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to use my free time to actually learn more about products. I think I need to be more conscious on setting daily goals to in order to make myself feels more accomplished. I also need to read more books in order to get the gears in my brain to move more too. I still didn't start any reading through though #lol.

I'm still settling in. These are all new norms but I guess since I'm single and my friends are all far away, it's good to be in a close-knit circle back, especially my own family. I still miss my life in Kuantan. If I were to live alone, that life is ideal.

Living Late Twenties - I'm Home

Aug 13, 2022

My old mouse was being funny and then it suffer a bad fall so I was like "yay, new mouse shopping". I got it at MrDiy. It was a really nice mouse. Just the right size, comfortable to use and they did like this soft click. It was a random pretty mouse and then I thought that "Hey, maybe MrDiy got good mouses so I can just buy randomly there again for the new one"

I bought it. It didn't have that soft click. The click was rougher and generally annoying af. T________________T

I'm back home Perak! It's been almost two weeks now. I'm working from home at the moment as the outlet here hasn't opened yet. It got postponed due to a stock problem. So now I'm "simply" on my laptop responding to Whatsapp queries and trying my best not to be annoyed when people randomly request questionable medicines.

I finally got to meet my friends back in Sabak yesterday. We had sushi, watch a movie and also went to karaoke. It's good to meet them after months. I need to meet my other friend from the hospital. I'm missing my friend back in Kuantan though. They're just so much fun to be with. Hopefully, we can plan another trip together soon.

I'm having mixed feelings about coming to live back home after almost 5 years of not doing so but mostly, I'm just grateful that I'm now living with my siblings. I'm not living alone and that's kinda refreshing. My friend did ask me if I'm going to live out of the house. It's actually quite interesting that my friend thinks of such too as my sister also was asking if I'm going to buy a house here. 

I do feel like I can consider buying a house but then I'm not entirely sure about living here forever. I was just thinking of going back home to be with my siblings. Probably for one or two years. It's kinda daunting to be thinking as such because my current work does feel like somewhere I could be for at least three years. 

I miss Kuantan. It has a really good vibe for me to live a life there but then it's just too far away. Probably Ipoh would be a better choice. I feel like I can ask for a transfer there when the company has a store opened there. That's kinda a good idea to hang on to right?

I think I'm done with Tinder. All those that I got to know while in Kuantan will be just a memory now. Nobody really addresses how tiring those short-lived connections are. Not to mention that I have always felt sufficient to be with the same crowd that I know I can trust and be comfortable with so opening up like that feels even more draining. It is still kinda scary to feel like I might simply shut off ways for me to get to know new people but then I have my sister currently laughing for whatever reason while crowding on my feet and I can hear my brother playing gleefully with his toys while taking a bath so I guess I'm good for now.

This also means I can continue my journey to watch as many horror movies as I can. We finished Sandman the other day. I thought it was a horror but turns out it was supernatural-ish but it was still so good so we were bummed that there's no news of a second season.

Last but not least I've changed my template! It was loading so slowly before and the old template has been used for quite some time. I didn't actually expect changing to a new template can actually help it loads faster but it did so yay!

Tinder, Work and Anxiety - A Month In Writing

Jun 28, 2022

It's 10.22pm, 4/6/2022. I've been craving to write but I can't seem to find enough energy to simply sit with myself and focus. So, although I decided to sleep five minutes ago, I changed my mind and write this on my phone. We'll see how many days it will need to finish.

First, Tinder. I told here before that I wanted to try dating. But oh my god I can't do this online chatting at all. Plus, I would need people to put heights because HEIGHTS MATTER. I'm sorry that I am biologically indoctrinated to not be attracted to men that are short. You can reject me for not having fair skin and not being skinny, I am totally okay with that.

Long story short, there's no one interesting enough save for this one guy. This guy actually makes me realize that I really do have a type. I thought it was just a simple preference, but no, this is a lifestyle choice indeed. It's fun and kind of eye-opening that now I am able to realize this part of me. Who would have thought some random guy so far away from where I am from that I met randomly on Tinder got me to understand myself more and even give me the chance to feel more feelings. 

He ghosted me though. I think? We do have this notion that I am not seeking anything serious and that I am not staying here for long. I hope he wasn't an asshole or something because that would be a bummer. But still, thanks for the experience.

I wonder if I can meet this kind of guy again. I don't think I'm doing Tinder anymore. I got bored too easily and I think the very fact that we actually meet right away is why I don't feel like simply bailing him. 

Oh my god, is this my karma because I ghosted people on Tinder? But everyone ghosted everyone on Tinder though.

Anyway. There's that. We're back to all man is boring and a drab and I'll die alone with my own money living in some ✨fancy✨ old folks home. 

I wanted this Tinder story to sound more romantic than this. I think I'll write two or three more poems and calls it a closure.

(fast forward to 21.6.2022)

He still ghosted me.

Anyway, we went for that sleeper train trip! Since we went back the next day, we spent the time exploring Kelantan. It was a short trip but we got to do so many things and if anyone asks, the sea at Terengganu is bluer and prettier than the ones at Kelantan 🌊🌊🌊

It was my friends here that did the itinerary and we got to eat so much good food. That is truly the biggest highlight since we were all so bored with the daily Foodpanda orders for lunch.

Back to the matter at hand - work.

I finished the assessments with the outlet's manager earlier this month and now am waiting for the oral assessment with the HR people. This is presumably the hardest part and I only texted HR today to ask when will it be done since there's no news up whatsoever for three weeks already 🥲🥲🥲

I like lah writing on my phone, I can put emojis here.

I am doing so much better at work now. I no longer feel so depressingly gloomy as I used to when going to work plus the timetable is so much more sensible now since there are new staffs now. I can actually sing on my way to work and that speaks volumes.

Getting confirmation faster would be a whole lot better of course. 

I still needed to learn more. But having this better headspace helps a lot in learning more efficiently. I'm trying to be more proactive but still am able to make more sales. It's a tricky balancing technique for me but I think this will help me to gain more knowledge, experience and quick thinking too. 

Having said this, my anxiety is considerably much better now. It is almost a freedom. I also try to dress better of my own accord as those help me feel more confident = less anxious. I do need to declutter my vanity table as those are really getting on my nerve now but I just don't have the time since I either want to sleep the tiredness away or there's a new cafe to go to.

We went to lots of cool and beautiful cafes around Kuantan. Since we went during weekdays, there isn't much crowd which makes the experience even more better. The food is so damn good too. I have the smoothest latte and I even tries to drink matcha. 

I might make some peoples mad but matcha really be another fancy way of drinking milk. I think I like the umami one's better.


I've been having bouts of simply not wanting to do anything. I don't really feel stressed out or any of the usual anxiousness - I just don't feel like doing anything. It is most probably a burnout and it lasts for a few days sometimes. No matter what it is, I think it is most probably some hormonal thing, what I know for sure is that it is a vicious thing to be in since it means I'll close fewer sales and end up bummed up seeing my poor performance when the day ended. This month particularly was rather bad since I need to cater two outlets and were doing more non-sales kind of job. But I'm loving the more experience I've been getting doing these odd jobs.

I met another Tinder guy the other day. It was a short meet-up since he was randomly in town and I had just finished my shift. I didn't use Tinder anymore, he was just some guy that I give my number to because I don't want to open Tinder anymore. He was those "open-minded" kind of guy. People really be abusing the word open-minded but we had an interesting conversation, especially the part about me disagreeing with things and that he constantly thinks I need to change my opinions on things. It was weird. He constantly thinks as if I can't think for myself and that he has the better look at things. I was having fun simply contradicting him but not enough to keep me wanting to continue the talk.

I am rewatching Criminal Minds and I forgot how hot Hotchner can be. I keep everything on hold until I feel bored again watching Criminal Minds. I think I might stop until at least Gideon is out. I do however finishes Mugen Train Arc. I might continue Entertainment District Arc first after my Criminal Minds fever finishes

Today is my day off. I want to read a fiction book but I feel like Murakami's one would be suited me better but it's hard to find one. I was thinking to go to a bookstore and if I can't find any then I will simply buy online. To my surprise, there isn't any fancy bookstore here in Kuantan and there's only Popular and it is in one of the less famous malls which means I am literally going into that mall for Popular.

But we're going to the beach though so that's fun.

Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Apr 23, 2022

I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.

Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.

I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.


  1. The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
  2. My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
  3. Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
  4. I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
  5. All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
  6. Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.

p/s - texting in whatsapp's work group at 12am is not okay.


  1. I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
  2. Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
  3. I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
  4. I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
  5. That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples


  1. I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
  2. I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
  3. I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
  5. I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
  6. I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.

Selamat Berpuasa (I know I'm late) and Selamat Hari Raya (I know I'm early)