Roll On: 2018 Favorite Self Care Thingy (Part One)

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I never thought I'd actually do these kinds of posts and not to mention - I'm actually excited. Since I got my own money now and starting to want to care for myself better, I've been trying some new things and this has been fun. So, I want to share 10 things that I'm definitely going to keep having it in 2019 which might be a good thing for your self-care too.


from left to right

1. Face Scrub by Good Virtues Co.

I learned that Good Virtues Co. products are organic and use lots of nature stuff. I can't recall the exact term for this stuff but basically, the product would not contain harsh chemicals. So, I've been using few of their products since my dry skin and brittles hair will worsen if I used normal products. This face scrub in particular - is so good. My skin feels refreshed, well scrubbed (is this even a thing?) and still feels supple afterward which is not like my previous experience with a face scrub. They usually left my skin feel tight like my-face-have-been-scrubbed-too-much-than-i-would-like-it kind of tight. Not to mention it is super affordable and the packaging is just too beautiful.


2. Konjac sponge

Did you have that feeling like your hand is not doing enough work to clean your face cause I did. I try using face brush - the manual one and the automatic one. The manual one's bristles are too soft while the automatic one is just such a big hassle. My sister told me about this konjac sponge and I think you can only get this at Daiso. It is sponge-like but firm like a beauty blender. However, the surface is just a little bit harsh to give you that brushing sensation. It is great. Totally loving it.



3. Palmer's Lip Balm - Cocoa Butter Formula

Since eating isotretinoin is giving me a bad case of dry lips, I take note to always bring my lip balm everywhere. Moisturize your lips throughout your daily endeavors fellas! I tried this one with hyaluronic acid that works wonders on chapped lips but I can't find it the other day and chose this instead. It work just as well and the best part is that it smells like chocolate! Since being confuse on what lip balm to buy is a hassle, I made a mental note to just get this one. If it ever finishes. 


4. Lucido-L Argan Rich Hair Treatment Cream

I was looking for something like a hair conditioner but I don't have to wash it. Apparently, I was looking for hair cream. I tried using hair conditioner and hair mask for my brittle hair but it just feels too harsh on my hair. Not to mention how it worsen my hair loss is with the washing but the effect is temporary. I found this at Guardian and it is around RM20 only (it even have argan oil!). You only need about 1cm of the product and it works so well. Even my sister was complimenting that my hair looks better. It does feel soft and most importantly, less brittle. 



5. Botaneco Garden - Organic Argan and Virgin Olive Oil Nourishing Hand Cream

My dry hand is the worst. Did you know that wearing lots of lotion will only worsen your dry skin? Yes, it does. If your dry hand is mild, a lotion is great, but if you are like me, lotion only does so little. But then I can't be smothering petroleum jelly and go about life now can't I? Thank god I find this thing. Hand cream is a bit thicker than lotion thus the effect last longer but this one got argan oil and virgin oil. Oil is good as it helps to retain the moisture which makes this work even better. The smell is so good too.


(to be continued because it is my bedtime)

Roll On: It's Finally afifahaddnan.com and My Malaysian Blogger Bloglist

If you're here for the bloglist - scroll down until you see a very cute Korean guy with bunny teeth. or you can just read everything. I could be your thing?

I'm like spiritually awoke each time I remember I bought the domain but I bought this last Tuesday and only gets to write about it today. Am I not spiritually awoke enough?

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I'm so bored right now like I think I finally understand the very core essence of  "bored to death". You see, I have finished my PRP right? So now, I have the chance to spend my time off. Newsflash everybody, working as a pharmacist in government hospital means shift works but we don't get paid, we just get time-off. Go be a doctor if you want money. They got paid a lot for the extra shift but the life is super busy and exhausted though.

Anyway, so here I am, free as the birds fly without nothing to do. Well, you can only read so much and writes so much until it gets damn boring. I do reading and writing as hobbies for god sake. FYI, I'm thinking of going to the stationary store and buy some watercolor cause those seem fun. Also, go check my Instagram because I just started doing analysis on "100 Love Poems You Should Read Before You Die" which basically a noob (me) trying to understand classical (i guess) poems.

Back to the most important matter. 

IT IS AFIFAHADDNAN.COM (I'm so tempted to say bitches but I'm just so well mannered and now am so proud with my self-control)

so now, please spend two seconds of your life and looks and look at the address tab to just appreciate that it is afifahaddnan.com

Actually, a lecturer of mine oppose the idea of getting the domain because I rarely update which is like "Whatever imma an independent girl (sangat takda kena mengena) and I'll do what I want" but then I got self-conscious like "Prof are you actually reading this? I STILL IN LOVE WITH BTS BTW"

he hates k-pop

speaking of k-pop, I'm going to write all about my in-depth analysis on k-pop. someday.

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i'm sorry if you expect more

Now, getting to the second most important matter for the day - my BLOGLIST

If you guys read my blog, you'll notice that I have a bloglist which dedicates to list Malaysian blogger. Actually, it was more on dedicating to blog list those with a true passion to write original content. Back when blogging got hyped in Malaysia, bloggers only rewrite thing which is just so weird. Everyone can Google those and I know it gives you traffic but why? So at that time, blog walking isn't much of an excitement. However, I learned to realize that now, more and more Malaysian bloggers are writing more quality content which makes it exciting to do this bloglist. But the project took so much time (ie stalking more blogs) and now I'm coming up with a new strategy to expand this database (we're using big words now, keep up). 

We are playing tags (this is not an excuse to play tags because I miss another storm of tags)



It's easy, just post this banner and tell three things that screams passionate blogger to you. Then tag two other bloggers for the tag. This is just to get the words spreads. If the said blogger is interested to be listed, just make sure the tag pass on and comment something here. Idk, Hi or something? You can just comment a dot and I'll put your blog in the bloglist.

I hope this gets attention and not end up with me looking sad.

I guess I'll start. Well. Passionate blogger for me means - 

1. he/she care to make the post/blog aesthetically pleasing as according to the blog theme. 
2. have some topic or niche instead of just posting daily rambling.
3. actually loves writing (we can read through the words if the person enjoys writing or not).

Actually, all my faves have been listed in the bloglist so, I'm just tagging this to spread words.

These are some passionate bloggers 

The charming and cute Fatina
The smart and sweet Eyqa
The most aesthetically pleasing thing Rasya
The most supportive and loving Mrs Pip
The ambitious and talented Lya Amie

and now I runs out of adjectives.






Roll On: Cooking For One For One Week With One Grocery Shopping


So, the title is either genius or simply frustratingly confusing.

In welcoming my after PRP life and the revival of Crack Culture - we are living healthier!

I love to cook. However, cooking for one is such a big hassle and it is just not the kind of hassle I need during PRP. Now that I have finished my PRP, we can put more effort into cooking.

Most importantly cooking and eating healthier.

So, my big problem with eating is that

1. I tend to eat more rice
2. I snack a lot. Like a lot, lot

Living stressfully have also been very conducive to make me eat more. 

Now, I'm not doing this to lose weight but I'm doing this because I want to re-program my eating pattern. What I'm doing is that I got this new project where I planned my grocery shopping to last for a few days (most ideally to last a week) and try to cook simple-no-rice meals. I'm doing only lunches at the moment because I'm afraid I'll get bored easily and then turn back to eat like I used too. 

It has happened before guys so we are taking this slowly.



Before we start to talk about what to cook - we have to get the technicalities prepared first. You will at least need a (1) stove (if you don't have one, maybe try to invest on those portables ones). A (2) non-stick pan, medium sized is more than good. Since we are cooking for one, you don't really need ladle and stuff. Spoons will work (I only use spoon since the portion is small). A (3) knife (a medium-sized and sturdy knife, not that cute thin ones). (4) Chopping board is also important. I know some might get that thrifty idea to just cut stuff on a table but please get one. A small one is good enough.


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i'm having such a big problem at how seokjin loves to cook and looks so comfortable in the kitchen.
this screams relationship material for god sake!

Now, let's talk groceries!

Firstly I bought two pieces of chickens breast. If you know groceries, you know how a chicken is sold according to parts. I chose chicken breast since it has the least fat plus easier to work with. Keeping a tray of eggs is good too. Actually, I should have bought one piece of chicken breast and a medium sized mackerel tuna. I got bored rather quickly with the chicken breast and mackerel tuna is the only fish I like to eat not fresh. 

I have a weird palate. 
I can't eat a not-freshly caught fish. 
I swear I'm not being picky.
I'm just programmed this way.

Actually, if we got more choices here, I would just buy tuna blocks. It's much more fulfilling and can be cooked easily but still tasted good. Plus, if I actually got the time to go to the wet market, I would have bought squids too.




Now come the fun part, vegetables! Since I'm not eating rice, vegetables are needed to make me feel full. The trick is to have different kinds of vegetables. At least one leafy ones  (the lettuce) and one crunchy one (the capsicum). For this time, I also got myself mushrooms and tomatoes. It is a good choice due to the structure and thus the variability of taste which is important so that I'll not get bored easily. The sweet potato is also important because I still need some sort of carbohydrate and plus, it tasted good too! But these are actually more than I need for a week. The broccoli and half of the capsicum gone bad actually. I also bought a small loaf of Gardenia's wholemeal bread.




Now comes the important part - getting that good flavor. First of all, you have to buy onions. At least buy a few cloves of garlic and a handful of onions. Next are those fellas in the pictures above. I know I'll need to at least stir-fry the vegetables and maybe grill the chicken. These four ingredients (plum sauce, oyster sauce, roughly grinded black peppers and dried rosemary leaves) are good enough to marinate your chicken and to be made into a simple sauce. Saute some onions and put oyster sauce is good enough to stir-fry vegetables. These will last you more than a month actually.

So what did i cook?

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I don't want to spend a lot of time cooking so it must be simple menus but at the same time, it needs to have good flavors and some sort of variety. Mind you, I have a very simple palate, so if you guys need stronger flavors, I can suggest some things but it may or may not meet your satisfaction. Plus, the use of more colors (different vegetables) will work wonder to make foods look more appetizing.

1. Fried noodles

Onions, chicken, mushrooms and some oyster sauce. I put oyster sauce instead because I don't one to use the instant noodles seasoning. This is an experiment of some sort. So the vegetables and chicken gives out flavor to the noodle too. I don't want to use the seasoning because I want to buy the instant noodles only, not the ones with seasoning and stuff. this way I can choose healthier noodles. But if this is too bland for you, try adding some chili paste and some soy sauce.
You can try buying actual noodle but this is once a week plan so dried noodles is my best choice. there are plenty of choice, just looks for the ones with lesser calories

2. A simple stir-fry

Just stir fry some vegetables and to make it more fulfilling - add some carbs and proteins. I used scrambled eggs but eggs tasted so bland, I should use chicken instead. I put some crouton-ish into this too. I simply did some oil-less fry of one slice of wholemeal bread and cuts it into smaller pieces. You can try to put potatoes instead but I decided it was too much work. For the flavoring, I put oyster sauce and black pepper. This is a very simple dish so I'm not quite sure what you can do more to make it more appetizing.

3. Proteins and funs with vegetables

so I did a mix of things and plate it this want. Since the ikan tongkol is fried and thus is flavorful enough, I just toss some freash lettuce and cherry tomatoes. The sweet potato slices were fried with no oil. I thought I cut the sweet potatoes too thin but these end up being so filling.

The chicken was supposed to be made into a sandwich since I keep some of my grilled chicken for that purpose but I didn't feel like eating a sandwich and made this instead. Then green leaves are actually spinach. A friend of mine gave it to me. I did a quick fry of the spinach and the tomatoes with plum sauce. Totally loving it.
grilled chicken but I did on my nonstick pan. I just turn it into slow heat and put the lid on. I marinated it overnight first with some black pepper, dried thyme, oyster sauce, and plum sauce. I also put some onions which are actually optional. I just wanted more taste with the use of onions. When I finished cooking the chicken, I use the same pan and fry the mushrooms and sweet potatoes. I add some more oyster sauce and plum sauce so that I have a bit of sauce to go with the chicken

4. Sandwich

wholemeal bread just give better taste profile and I did way too much filling~
I fry the ingredient a bit while cooking the chicken (I didn't make the grilled chicken yet) because I don't feel like wanting to eat everything so fresh. 


I still cook but I didn't actually go for one-week grocery shopping since I currently keep on taking few days off from work. I have lots of time off to be used so I didn't need to buy much groceries to cook for one week. I still cook though. If I got enough menus, I'll write another post.

Roll On: Dr Ko Skin Specialist Review (frustrating) - UPDATED

(update - found the pictures so this version is going to be more detailed)


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me when i know how long this post is going to take. i'm literally having a mask on my face.


JUST FYI. 

I put frustrating because I want it to be sort of like a clickbait but alas, I feel guilty, so I'm explaining the "clickbait" in the very first paragraph. However, since I have now found those said picture - here is my before picture. It turns out that my acne is far worse than the picture I originally thought going to present best as an example. Oh well.



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what i thought i was

this is taken directly before i did my first extraction

If you read my post about Aiken (look at my sidebar, it is literally the only post that is popular in this blog), you will see that I have an acne prone skin. If it was mild, Aiken and a really well-disciplined skin care are enough. But if I have a bad breakout (usually during stressful times) it is just so so bad. The last time it does is during my final year. At that time, a lecturer of mine had offered to give me a referral letter and got me the treatment I needed (yay pharmacy school). I managed to get medicines from PPUKM but due to money and times issues, I didn't complete the treatment (still regretting it till this day). 

What happened is that, even though my acne got resolved, I still didn't complete the treatment. This means that there is a high possibility for recurrence. But I thought, I'm not studying anymore = no awful stress = no breakout. Oh boi, how wrong was I.

PRP is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stressful and the breakout happens in a jiffy. 

Seeing that now I have the money and a bit of time, I decided to get back into treatment and I choose to go to Dr Ko Skin Specialist Clinic. Yes, Dr Ko is expensive, but it is the closest and most easily accessible for me. But most importantly it works.

In light cases of acne, doctors will suggest good skin care. If you went into skin specialist, they will have the kind of skin care they want you to use. In my case, Dr. Ko has their own line of skin care products. But these are from an actual dermatologist - so mind you that it will cost a lot. Mine cost almost a hundred per bottle (cleanser, toner, moisturizer, etc). If you have few more acne of the more bad ones, a topical spot acne treatment will be given, like benzoyl peroxide cream or isotretinoin cream. If it is even worse, an antibiotic is needed. Step up the worseness a bit, you will be given isotretinoin capsules. Some may need hormone drugs though I'm not sure how you are qualified for one. However, this is a very general description, it is better for actual doctors to check your acne especially if it is a really bad breakout. But in my case, I have all of the above.

That's how bad it was. 

Or probably Dr. Ko been giving the same treatment to everyone. That's the thing about private clinics. 

We will never know.

I went to them, talked about my problem and how I used to be on isotretinoin. It was decided that I take both isotretinoin and antibiotic. Attention girls! Both medicines have a negative effect on babies, and I think you have to stop the medicine for at least 6 months before planning on having a baby. I'm not sure about guys though.

i take that basic acne package



Here's the funny thing, like most private clinics, they didn't label the medicine. It is actually illegal that your medicine isn't labeled as detail as it should be (the names and strength at least). Now that you know, always ask them to write the name of the medicine. Learn more about what you put into your body!

I've known that the soft capsules ones that I got are isotretinoin but I wasn't sure what the antibiotic was. Weirdly because it is in tablet form. Usually, the kind of antibiotic given is doxycycline and it is in hard capsules. I think at some point, I learned what the antibiotic was, but since I didn't actually wrote it down -

WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

I only need the antibiotic for two months and continue months after that with isotretinoin. I am still on isotretinoin actually. The dermatologist there said that I need to eat isotretinoin for a year 

For my first day, I went for a consultation with the dermatologist (of course it wasn't Dr. Ko) and bought myself this package.



If you take only the medicine (if you got treatments from a government hospital, we only gave the medicine, get your own skin care products), it will take longer for your acne to resolve. But in my case, I used all the products and went for their extraction. My acne greatly reduced in 2 months that even the staff at Dr. Ko was amazed. I was then able to use the Vitamin C powder (since my skin does not have much acne at the time) and it works so good to lighten the scars and overall makes my skin simply looks healthier. 

Did I tell how satisfying the extractions are? I hated doing extractions because I know it will helps a lot but the facial spa I've been isn't as hygienic as I need them to be. It only causes more acne thus I stop going to one. Since I have sensitive skin, a swap with alcohol swab only won't do. The staff in Dr. Ko not only have a good extraction technique, the process was meticulous and just so hygienic too. Not to mention, the use of that salicylic acid plus the mask afterward really works wonder on my skin thus the effects of extractions were greatly reduced. 

It was so painful though since I have lots of cyst but that staff that did my face, you are officially my MVP!

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Let's talk about their skincare products that I used. 

First, we have the cleanser and the moisturizer. Since you will have a bad dry skin (the effects of isotretinoin), a moisturizer is a must. Next, we have two producr that aims especially for acne. First is the spot treatment plus an essence/serum. A sunscreen and next is like I have said before, when the acne resolved, I also used their Vitamin C powder. Of course, the antibiotic is twice daily and the isotretinoin once daily. Both will cause you around RM300 per month but once you stop needing the antibiotic, it will cost around half.

Isotretinoin has drying effect (that how it works, it dries out the oil and generally the skin so the acne doesn't have a good viable condition to thrive) so it is better to take before sleep instead of living the day feeling annoyed at how dry your lips are. Since I know I will have a dry chapped lips, I get myself Nivea Lip Care Butter. Lip balm won't be enough and I always love Nivea product. It works so well too and the packaging was too cute lol. There isn't much problems with antibiotics but long terms used might cause diarrhea which is just awful.


the order of wearing it is from top to bottom. allows to dry before applying the next product.


That bottle is the (1) cleanser. The box at the left is the packaging. The box at the right is the (2) moisturizer. Feel free to study the ingredients and you'll know why it is damn expensive. Totally loving these. The cleanser is so light but still foamy and I have strong reason to believe it works to treat my acne so I repurchase another bottle when it finishes. It was the only one I continue to use since I know Aiken works on me (plus Aiken's cleanser is too harsh for me while I don't like how Cetaphil does not have foams). I don't want to be spending hundreds more money on skin care. The moistuzer is also a wonder but I must say it works like how Aiken moisturizer works on me so I just use Aiken ones now.

The left one (3) spot treatments in gel form. Meaning to treat the acne by spotting it on acne. The right one is (4) a face essence but caters those with acne problem. These are also very important in treating my acne. But since my acne resolved quite fast, I still have the cream. It works so well and fasts. If I even have the slightest bit of acne, I dab that cream and it will resolve in two days tops! The middle one is a (5) sunscreen. Sunscreen is important but to spend such fortune for one feels so wrong. Although mine come with the package though.

The (6) toner is in mist form and that small bottle is the (7) Vitamin C powder. I bought the powder separately, it wasn't included in the package. Cost me almost a hundred for that small bottle but it lasts about a month and gave impressive result so I don't mind it the slightest bit.

I think the Vitamin C powder works so well due to how it was formulated which gives it the ability to really be absorbed deep into the skin. I'm sorry the picture is a bit blurred. Oh yeah, you need to mix the powder with the moisturizer and then apply it onto your skin.

 Pro tips - Dr Ko hardly does sale. That's how good they are. But on your birthday, you can get crazy discount. I bought my second cleanser at half price and they have book one free one facial treament.
expensive AF but it works amazingly so it is a money well spent. though i seriously thinks there are plenty of good products that work just as good but not as expensive.

Two months after. Lots of dark spots. Most acne has been cleared. By this time, I have finished the three extraction session. It was done every two weeks. I just started to use the Vitamin C powder. I am also still using all the skincare products.

Almost a month after using the Vitamin C powder. As you can skin, my skins brighten quite noticeably. The darks spot seems healing as it turn pinks. Some staffs start to mentions how my skin looks so much better.

well excuse my big nostrils and I don't even understand why I have this picture but this is during eid. about four months after starting treamtent. THIS IS WHAT I CALL A GLOW UP.


and we are closing this with my latest selfie. barefaced but with MaryKay sunscreen. We'll talk about that later.
Remember, the fact that Dr. Ko really works well is due to the medicine (there are plenty of clinics that can provide the medicines) and their amazing products (but there are good products that work well and cost less or you can try other products from other skin clinics/medispa). But Dr. Ko is a well-established brand in Malaysia thus it is easily understandable why it is a popular choice.

I still have those deep scars but not really that deep but still deep which can only be treated with laser treatment. I was thinking to do laser treatment as well but I think I'm satisfied with my current skin. I think the idea of a complete flawlessness is not Afifah so nahh. I might change my mind though. I only use the cleanser nowadays. Plus, I still ate the medicine. I'll share my new skin care in the future and the condition of my skin before, during and after the horrible acne.


Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

As in last 19/10/2018 - I finished all my PRP requirement and had all the log books signed by our Ketua Pegawai Farmasi. I didn't finish it in one year though as early October should be the complete one-year. Had to apply to extend it for another month but still, I actually finish it. With that note, yes, my one-year (plus one month-ish) training is done. 

If anything that my "It Has Been" series have thought, is that my one-year training has been so hard and draining. I was beyond relief once I got to send all those log books. Funnily, right after that, I didn't tell anyone for like 3 to 4 days. Not even my friends. It was so surreal and I think part of me subconsciously scared if I'm going to jinx it or something. But once I told the others, another surge of relief comes. I really, really, did this. 




What's even wild is that I thought that once I get to this part, all those emotions I've felt before would felt mundane. That I'll be "I was so childish before, bukan susah sangat pon". Although it is really isn't that hard (work wise) but all the other things that came with it is still such a big toll on me and it affects everything. I don't have even slightest thought that those are mundane or childish. I lived through that and survived. This is one of the big wins in my life.

With that, comes a new question? What is life going to be now? 

Up until now, my life has a specific target to achieve that kinda rules out everything. So while I still do my blog, poetry, and stuffs, it was a side, side, side kind of thing and I can't really indulge in it since my main priority is still to focus my energy on that specific target. But now, my life is about going working and do working stuff and simply a task of day to day (in working hours) achievements. Work is going to be repetitive but stays in working hours. It gives me satisfaction, work-wise, but I want more. Especially now that I have my own life (and money) and generally a whole new canvas to draw on. 

What's next Afifah?

Travel?
Discover poetry world in Malaysia?
Write a poetry book?
Learn new languages or skills?
Volunteering job?
Better blogger?
Hafazan?
Continue Master? PhD?
Umrah? Haji?
Actually, start to live healthier?
All the above?


I'm excited and I haven't felt this way for the longest time.

Image result for suga excited gif


but for starters - introducing CRACK CULTURE 😎


I'm letting go of Awesomeness since it stops feeling true to embody me. Awesomeness was me trying to do more while serving the main priority in life. Basically, how life can be more than just achieving your focus at the time being. I needed this blog renovation because now life is going to be uncertain but lot more new possibilities. Awesomeness can't embody that. So CRACK CULTURE is born. 

Crack can means lots of thing - to break something, cocaine, to make fun, wild, entertaining etcetera.

CRACK CULTURE is me trying to live more and beyond. 

Roll On: It Has Been 10 Months and What I Do To Feel Better



It's 4.30 am, I'm currently doing my night shift.

It wasn't as hectic as big hospitals and I decided that I need to write. So here I am.

I'm feeling much more at ease when I went to work these days. It was insane remembering how I used to be and I was thinking that maybe everything can be so much better if I wasn't so crippling in my anxiety and insecurities. This feels rather amazing. I can be me. Yet, it is not all rainbows and unicorns, I still have these anxieties within me. I still feel insecure about lots of things. It is just a bit tamed.

The most amazing thing is that my stupid ass even finds a new way to become anxious. LOL. There will always be moments that I cursed myself for being "too" me - too comfortable. Thoughts like "I'm crossing some boundaries" or "I need to be quiet because I'm just a nobody" or "Someone must be talking behind my back about how much I'm not doing any better" - these white noise is slowly eating me from inside. I'm so mad about how easily affected I am with it. That even if these thoughts are true, I shouldn't be bothered with it. But I do, I do very much.



I'm still useless when I'm tired. I envied how a PRP-mate of mine can push herself so bad by staying up late, doing faster jobs and were so brave. It is a good kind of envy as I feel a bit motivated to do more. Maybe not as much as her cause I'm so useless staying up late, but simply a bit more lahh.

Anywho, in the spirit of me being more comfortable at work and can control my anxiety and insecurities a bit better. I'm gonna share you guys about how I manage (this sounded so invalid, but trust me, these works)


1. Find some place to escape - periodically


Mine would be home. I made this rule that I need to go back home at least once every two weeks. It's one thing if this is KL and I have all my friends. If I stayed, I literally only have myself and my issues to myself. Not good. I love to go home. I do some chores, cooks, watch something on Iflix and just spend some time with my family. The idea of this escape is to force yourself to not think about your issues. Dwelling in it will make me feel worse. A bit of separation time is very important to me. Earlier, I'd still feel anxious even when I'm at home (I've written about this as well) but I always force myself to be present, which leads us to my second tips.


2. Be aware of yourself


Some people love to just be miserable and hope it just went away. I read somewhere (credible source of course), that you need to confront your issues - head first. You need to name what are you feeling. It helped me a lot knowing that I feel miserable because I'm having anxiety and insecurities almost all the time (lessen now, of course). It helps me to be present with my issues and coaxed myself to feel better because what I'm feeling is just some groundless feelings. This is not me being in denial - but I find myself so attracted to the idea of rationalizing things. That my anxiety/insecurities just me torturing myself. That it is most likely just me exaggerating or even if it is true - I need to let it go. Knowing exactly what I'm dealing with (by naming what you are feeling) helps me to decide if this a new issue or if I should spend time dealing with it. That is this only happens in my head?


3. Letting Go


I've told about Leo Babauta book The Letting Go Ebook (it's free) and his first free ebook that I love so much - "Little Book of Contentment". These books taught me about being grateful for what you have and to let go of things - especially my anxiety, insecurities, being afraid and peoples too. I've read it a long time ago but it has helped me a lot more these days. It wasn't some overnight success of course. It takes a lot of time (and practice) but the main point is to always do it. I think it is important that as much as I consistently went into this black hole of negative feeling that I always try to beat it with something positive with the same intensity.

4. Be productive


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I can't stress enough how being productive will help you feel so much better. Especially in my case, most of my anxieties is that I feel that I need to give more. But you can't just start doing things randomly. I find myself doing daily to do list helped a lot. Be rational with it too. You don't want writing to many "to do" and end up feeling stressful because you can't live up to it. The satisfaction upon completing your daily goals will help you feel better. Even more so, being a slump (like what I always resort too), only will make you feel worst.  Not gonna lie though, I'm still so bad at it. 


5. Make your place awesome


I changed my curtain and buy some simple rack to put things. I always re-organize things so that it fits how I work around. It takes times and energy but it's totally worth for it. Having a place that makes you feel comfortable is important. If that cute plushies feel comfortable to sleep with - buys it! It some stuff feels just too much but you can't find the heart to throw it  - just throw it away already. If you don't have any idea - research! Pinterest is the best way to start. I remember how returning to my room used to be stressful. Now, when it feels more like me, I like it better. It feels like a safe haven for me. I like how it felt such a haven especially after a long day at work.


6. Good sleep is lyfeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Omg, I hate it so much when I can't sleep well. Currently, I'll put on earplugs (it wasn't loud, but the dull of not hearing anything feels good to sleep with) and I have this comfortable comforter which helped me a lot to sleep better. Phone before sleep is a big no no. I notice how I woke up better if I don't use my phone before sleep. I also used f.lux on my laptop that will automatically dim my laptop and reminds me that in how many hours I need to wake up. I had it bad earlier when I started working that it is just so hard for me to sleep and when I finally did, I'll have nightmares (work related, again, I've told about this as well) and thus end up not having a good sleep. It is such a long way for me to get my sleep. If you guys have the same issues, do figure it out. There's a lot of things to try to get better sleep. Try it all.


7. I finally got back to my lovely morning coffee routine


To have my me + coffee time in the morning is so IMPORTANT. It always helps me to set the right kind of mood to kickstart the day. When I have it bad with my anxiety, I was so anxious that I can't even enjoy my morning coffee and was always in a foul mood in the morning. My morning routine is so important for me. It was something I have done since forever. So when my anxiety makes it impossible to calm down and enjoy my coffee, it just makes me feel even worst. I insist on you guys to have some sort of morning routine too. Starting the day the right way is important to actually go through it.



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8. Writing


Writing is my best kind of therapy. Either on my blogs or working on poems for my Instagram account. I made it a point now to start writing poems again. You can see that my Instagram is now regularly updated. I know not everyone is gifted in writing. You can try writing in daily journals/diary. Even writing to-do list kinda makes me feels good. Peoples have always say that writing daily journals helped. I've tried that though, it didn't work for me. But writing in my blog and making poems does. If you can find a way to write things, give it a try! If you feel like writing a certain topic and don't have anywhere to publish it, I am more than happy to publish it here on my blog. Just DM me on my Instagram account


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9. Pray



I not gonna lie, I am by far not the most devout person. But praying is important. The moments after solat and at every time you feel down, say a little prayer. It makes me feel at ease a bit knowing that Allah always understands me and praying to Him and hoping in Him is the best way to cope with things. Especially when He is the one that holds the power over everything. I'd suggest trying Mathurat. It's filled with good and beautiful duaa. Pray :)

Roll On: It Has Been 8 Months *rambling*


I don't feel so good.

This gonna be me rambling stuff.

I always have this thought that I didn't feel genuinely happy for quite some time. I can't even recall the last time I feel happy. Yesterday, on my way back to the hospital (as I was spending the weekend at home) I recall that during the weekend, I didn't feel anxious about work. Hence, the time spent at home doing simple things like watching some movies, talk to my sisters, got the chance to meet my cousins, cooks, went to "bazaar Ramadhan" with my dad - feels kinda good. I'm not really sure about the actual science that leads me to be able to forgo the anxiety, but it did, and yes it feels good.

But as soon as I reached the hospital, to my mopey room, and the truth starts to sink in that I need to work and I just suck at it and I have lots of things to do but just don't feel like doing it at all and that somehow everyone judges me so talk in slow voice, avoid eye contact, watch every word that comes out from your mouth, avoid peoples - it just so fucking tiring.

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I even feel tired that I always write the same thing out. I feel like I was being such a brat - moping all the fucking time.

I even feel tired to be literally glued to my phone. It is such good escape from actual reality so excuse me. I am so tired browsing BTS like a typical fangirl because they make me feel good and makes a really good escape too.

What's worse is that I think I might feel better if I finished my PRP requirements but that's the problem - I just don't feel like doing it.

That is all to it for today.

Roll On: Bad Habits



We'll continue the rediscovering thingy after this one, I have to get this one out. Seeing how many personal thoughts I have shared here, I might need to go anon or something but anyway, I'm having epiphany moment while watching movies.  

It's such a cliche because I was watching movies as a form of distraction from "responsibilities" and now I'm having an epiphany.

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"The Psychologist Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. Somehow. In some part of our lives. We drink, or take drugs, or destabilize the happy job... or happy marriage." - Annihilation, 2018.

It hits me hard because I do feel like I'm doing self-destruction. It is just so confusing with "living a good life" versus "living the machine life". I was baffled. I thought I was tired with all the works I have to do and that has justified a good job but then, my logbook (simply a log of all the activities I have to perform to a certain standards/numbers) is nowhere near completion. I talked to a "pegawai" that has just finished her training like the one I'm doing now and we started to discuss "these requirements" of mine that seems nowhere near completion. That she had it easy since she went to a big hospital. I think she was purposely having this conversation seeing how utterly lost I am. It wasn't about big hospitals or new rules but it was me, I am the one who needs to take action.

I have to thank her because that had left me thinking that maybe I was the one "self-destructing" my chances of being a fully registered pharmacy instead of me simply blaming the universe.

But why you may ask?

Because I didn't have that much of self-disicpline to when facing hard things.

I was lazy.

I was procrastinating because things were hard but guess what, this is supposed to be hard because this is a hard job and this is my training for a better life in the future because I have survived this hustle. 

It is just that requirement. I just have to choose if this is the battle that I want to fight or not?

I want to fight. 

So for that, I need to let go my bad habits. 

Firstly, I need to goddamn wakes up early. 

This was funny because, for the longest time, I thought I wasn't having a good night sleep so that is why it is so hard for me to wake up. Although it is true for a while earlier when I was still having anxiety that keeps me waking up during the night but alhamdulillah it isn't the issue now. I was just so bad at waking up early. At some points, I think I was so sleepy because my body knows my minds so well that we hated going to work because it was "job" and "responsibilities" and "expectations".


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Secondly, I need to stop excusing myself to take so much effort for food.

It might be me depressing or just tired but I just don't have much appetite for food. I get hungry alright but I just don't feel like eating anything. I still have to eat because feeling hungry is such a bothersome feeling. So I went to places, that usually takes time to even get there because I kinda feel like eating those food but usually, I don't really have that much of appetite for it. To make it worse, I eat so little. I rarely even finished my plate or get obnoxiously full when I do (I hate feeling obnoxiouly full). It takes so much time and wasted my energy when I should be doing something more important. Seeing how eating at different places do little to nothing to improve my appetite, I just have to stick to the basic nasi goreng or something and shove it into my mouth untill I don't feel hungry.


Thirdly, stop procrastinating.

I truly don't know how to settle this. I usually feel so tired so I just can't focus to do my job. Either doing that slides of study more. So yeah, I need to stop procrastinating somehow.


Next, always forgets new things I learned. 

One funny thing during my working life is the bits and pieces that we learned randomly. When we were studying, we learned things systematically. One body system to one pharmacological class (which I have forgotten much of it of course). But now every once in a while I simply learned one isolated thing from the others like the maximum dose of rectal paracetamol (typical medicine) and the minimum dose of allopurinol (special kind of medicine for gout). Even funnier, that isolated things still matter so even though I'm not quite sure what other gout medicines is, that knowledge of allopurinol still just makes sense. But I tend to forget it which makes it just so sad, so I just have to start writing these random pieces of knowledge and re-read it once a while. At least, I still have these bits and pieces rather than nothing at all.

More, being too timid and not sure of myself.

I realized that I hated not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent. I tried to avoid from being asked questions and feel utterly useless when I "got caught" not knowing. It was stupid, I should embrace my weaknesses because there is just nothing I can do about that but rather accepting it and tries to learn when I don't know and just learn every time I got the chance too. I need to be more vocal too. More vocal on saying"I don't know" even when peoples giving me side-eyes and start to ask the right question instead of gibbering. 


Stop going with the flow

Like I said before, I need to take action. My logbooks and my procrastination and yada yada, I need to start acting on it.T



I hope that was all to it. I'm still feeling confused but a little less than usual so that's good. By the way, I'm feeling so full right now with apple pie, chocolate sundae, pepsi and cappucino. I might have no appetite but man I can snack unconsciously while writing.





Roll On: Rediscovering Myself (Part One)



So I taught, hey, plenty of people lives alone by themselves, I am not the only one feeling miserable right? I found out that there are these articles for tips or guides living alone and one of it that kinda leads me to write at this moment is that living alone can be a stepping stone for you to learn to know yourselves better. I asked myself a lot during these time that it is pretty exhausting. Mostly was am I not cut for pharmacy or is it just my tired body talking? But how tired can I really be then?

I found these set of questions about discovering myself and let's get on to it now.


1. What activities in your life that lights you up with joy?

Honestly. I didn't feel an honest joy for quite sometimes and it is just disturbing. I went out for dinner with my friend yesterday, I always try to spend more time with her and even though it is pleasing, it didn't feel so satisfyingly happy as when I hung out with my friends (her included) before. When I feel too stressed out at UKM I will return home and spend time with my family and it can be me just lazying around at home but I feel brand new when I return to UKM, I haven't felt that way now. This was my ultimate weapon but it failed. Damn.

Roll On: It Has Been 5 Months and trying to have a better mental health

My prime in my 25 years of life is during matriculation. I noticed that matriculation was Allah giving me a second chance (because I didn't get good grades in SPM).

I woke up every day at the same time around 6am, always had my power nap which helped me to still focus on evening lectures, had my second nap in the afternoon to get focus for my revision or any assignment that need to be done that night which leads me to always finished my assignment or revision earlier, generally have a good relationship with lots of friends since that was the first time I actually bonded with "peoples" and learn to depend on others (since that was my first time living away from home). I was doing quite good spiritually too. That was my first solid moment that I truly believe I can ask Allah anything and He listens and will grant it if it is mine to hold. It was such a freedom to have such trust.


It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, of course, those time includes my first real heartbreak, betrayal and generally hopelessness too. I endure it all and looking back at that time, I grow so much from those experiences that had become the foundation of me today. I still grew so much after that but that moment has become such a solid moment building what Afifah is today. 

But Afifah today is far astray.

Why? 

You see, I was so out of it these past two months. I didn't feel genuine happiness or content and feels anxious (about something related to work) all the time. I actually did that well-researched questionnaire to analyze depression and it suggests me to meet a doctor. Me, being a health student and all, of course, rejected the idea that I am depressed. Pfft. I feel tired all the freaking time even though I get enough sleep, I keep procrastinating work, never feel motivated to do anything that I merely do work (at my job) just to past the time, I keep on scrolling socmeds because that way I can keep away "this horrible feeling that I literally wasting away life" and generally feel scared at work because I know I am not improving as I should be thus I'll be judged etc etc.

That's why I've been pondering how good I am during matriculation and why can't I be that Afifah today? Because if I do, man, I can be such an ace at work. 

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I tried to transform my life, to get that time back, but it always failed miserably. I tried to study at night but I always get damn tired or just damn easily get distracted with other 100 things I should do that I end up doing nothing, I tried to get enough sleep but alas, still tired, I can't get myself to ALWAYS solat on time, can't get myself to read al-quran every day, can't even get myself to be praying earnestly, I was honestly feeling like giving up, that maybe I just don't cut for this pharmacy life and I'll die of depression or something. 

I was pondering so hard at why Allah did this to me. I thought it was because I didn't fight enough. Didn't fight enough to stay disciplined, to stay awake, to give more and more. You know that ayat saying we only get what we gave effort too? I thought I wasn't giving enough effort, but I was so tired all the time and when I don't feel that tired, I just can never focus, how can I give effort? It was supposed to be the same level of tiredness as when I am in matriculation but I excel that time, why can't I be that way now? 

Then I realized it wasn't entirely about effort.

It was my egoistical bastard in me that gets in the way.

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When I was in matriculation, it was clear that by doing this I still get a chance to become a doctor or pharmacist, you know, typical Asian dreams. Why? Because my dad will love it and my mom will be so happy. My interest that time was on IT and historical stuff but I put it away because people says it won't become a good future so I do this. I never realized it but I did it purely so that my parent will be happy. It was made easy cause Allah always helped those who choose to do it for their parent right? But now it wasn't that pure. Dad doesn't care anymore because he thought I am finally a grown and successful adult. I am solely on my own. This is my world I'm trying to cave in and my intention is so that I'll be approved by everyone. It was pride. It was ego.

For the longest time, I knew I'm such an egoist. I hardly ask help from others and hate so much that I can't do certain things which make me looks stupid which is just another kind stupidity. This is why all my effort goes astray, because I want to get adoration and stupidly trying to become a better Muslim so Allah will give me my satisfaction to become prideful. Pride is the closest to shirik too. I was so so stupid. 

I am not saying "hey you lets join hands and tries to be better Muslim because it will solve everything", but that is what I'm saying. I read zen thingy and meditations and self-help books and it has this one similar thing - be content with whatever you have. Being critical me as usual, I try to relate it to Islamic teaching because Islam is the way of life right? We are also asked to be content but we have better reasons, because us being content meaning His redha towards us, and His redha means happiness. Even in pain or misery, if we have this redha thinking, we will endure it better. 

What I'm trying to say is that, life can be anything you want, it is an endless possibility. But what we feel deeps in our hearts is what matters. That is the thing that will drive us to be better and to use our lives in a way that benefits us instead of becoming an automated thingy that "norms" says we should be. We are not a robot.