My Mind Is So Loud

Jan 13, 2020

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to write. There are lots of stuff in my head right now and it has been this crowded for weeks. I can't focus. That was why I hardly update my blog lately. I've been going out quite frequently and whenever I got time to myself, I feel this need to scroll something on phone or watch Netflix. I can't focus to chill or read or write. My mind just won't be at peace.

I notice that I keep on putting it away, not really trying to understand and address it. I realize that it has now occupied me. I'm just not at ease. I'm either feeling this void that I need to feel or utter excitement. That is what so weird about it. I am not sad or wistful, I'm just in this void of feelings which awfully needs an active distraction. It wasn't bad but I guess keeping myself busy with stuff wasn't really my way of coping. Writing it does. So now let me spill everything out!

First of all, I've been feeling lost in my work. It grows mundane. Going in and out. I need to try and do more and I just got this idea to work on a mini-project that I hope can be useful for my colleagues as well. What's amazing is that this mini-project will make me read more and learn. Learning is a powerful thing to do and I hope it will make me sharp and the satisfaction will encourage me to do more.

Secondly, I need to address how my circle of friends at work has been a great wonder. I'm proud of the bond we have created which was created rather unexpectedly. I keep on thinking how lucky I was. If I didn't try to open up more, if I didn't try to get out of my comfort cocoon, if I didn't try to just do everything however spontaneous, we might have not created this strong of a bond. It was so precious since I never thought we could work this kind of friendship here at work. Especially when I have been feeling that I am alone with no one to click with since forever. Just last Monday I meet up with some friends from PKD just to chill after two of them got their contract result. They didn't get a permanent post as well. I am happy that we can be there for each other's support. While last Friday we went to try a new place here and one of my friends (who is quite childish) insisted that only our "gang" should go so she made us keep our lunch date a secret. It was so stupid but I got along with it and then it ended up with me not sharing that delicious nasi arab review on my Instagram #lol

Oh ya! I've been Instagramming! It didn't feel as suffocated as it does before. I guess it was because I wanted to earnestly know what has been happening with my friends and also just to have some other form of interaction with my colleagues as well. I made the most random stories and although it does leave this nagging feeling that I am oversharing but I just shut that voice up and focus on how good I was feeling. But I really do need to cut out socmeds since I have been using it to shut out how loud my mind was being. It was so loud that I can't focus on reading.

I can't focus on my reading! I have started 2020 with IQ48. The book is 1157 pages thick with the smallest print ever. But as usual, Murakami's work always sends me to my warmest escape and it is just so addicting. But if I can't just chill, I won't ever finish it.

I can't focus on writing poetry too! I want to write so badly. Sometimes the urge comes and the words feel so close but when I got my pen and paper, I just can't work it through. It was so damn annoying and frustrating.

It also messes my sleep. My body got tired but I can't just go and sleep. I always feel all worked up and even though I made myself leave my phone and just closes my eyes, I can just simply go to sleep. I usually got my most decent sleep at home and now I can't wait to go home so I can catch my sleep. I keep on waking up late this week and having my periods just make it worse. 

The next thing to address is I am now a skincare freak. I spent quite a lot this month on skincare products and I am due for peeling treatment tomorrow. Skincare is expensive and I also bought some for my sisters and I still keep on spending. I need to share my haul during Watson's cosmetics sale and the just recently ended Guardian's 40% discount on skincare products. I'm now officially stopping experimenting and will keep on using a range of products for my daily routine. I am so excited to share it but it won't ever be shared if I didn't pull myself together. #ripmoney

I have finally changed my cracked windscreen and also put a new tint film on both windscreens and rear window glass. That is some serious money as well but it does make me feel so good. I just can't get enough of my car #lol. I'm sorry for being this annoying but for god sake, I have been living with the cracked glass for monthssssssssssssssssss. It feels good cause I feel like I'm finally being a responsible car owner. I'm eyeing this cool gray car's carpet but that will have to wait because my cracked phone is due for repair. I got a feeling that I will make it cracked again so I'm putting it behind until February's paycheck. It's funny how the horrendous crack on my phone doesn't really bother me.

I really need to plan my money well.

Oh ya, I think I also need to address my crush. My on and off crush and now slightly on but not so on oh my god whatever. I understand that it is just a mere crush but I like how giddy it makes me feel. So I'm going to revel in it for a while. 

Lastly, two of my friends are most likely to moves out to a new place. It wasn't official yet but we have strong reasons that their application will be approved. This has been bugging me for the last two weeks. I'm trying so hard to be chill about it. It wasn't easy since both of them were my housemates. Not only I'm going to miss their company but I'm also loving my current rented house. I ain't paying the whole house rent alone, for sure. I'm still indecisive to either stay for a month with the reduced rent (our landlord was so nice to cut the rent until I got new housemates) and sees if I can get new housemates or just moves out to a new place that rent out per room. The chances of getting a new housemate are slim to none though. Not to mention staying alone in this house could be awfully boring. 

I hope I have written everything down. 

I actually got the whole week off so let's hope the comfort of my home will do wonders.

musing 2019

Jan 1, 2020

We went to Teluk Intan hoping there will be some fancy countdown-to-2020-fireworks but there was nothing. We spent the holiday trying out food around Sekinchan, went crazy at Watsons, play some bubbles at Pantai Redang and just having a good time. Amidst the fireworks being a no show, New Year has kick-off well. Well enough that I feel that I can do this now.

2019 was supposed to be "the" year. It was supposed to be my life-changing year after my PRP-ship.  You see, I have never believed how a year is like "hard" or how New Year means it is a time to be "making resolutions" because time is a construct. Everything just happens. Either at your will or the other way around. Or never. But god, 2019 was a rough one. 

Wow, I have never thought that I'll have this kind of opinion.

I am not recapping 2019's resolutions or what I have done in 2019. It wasn't because I'm ashamed of it. I aced some and failed some and just neglected another lot. I just don't feel like it. It feels useless. Everything was done already. 

For the past week, I have been musing to write how 2019 has been. I've gone through my gallery to see all the pictures and I even check the year's timeline at Google Maps. I've gone through Twitter to look for this one picture this evening and accidentally saw that a lot more has happened afterward. What happen is that it feels okay to keep it to myself. No best nine for me.

What I want to tell about 2019 instead is how I have been. I want to tell how I was going all over with my writing. How I've been trying to connect more with my friends. How I try to be more open up and just accept myself for who I am. How music, books, and movies have been my most beautiful escapes. How I made myself tries out more new stuff. How I have been feeling like a total loser but now I'm not. How I am fearing the kind of person I might turn out. How amazing it was to be a skincare enthusiast. How much I can love or I can't love. How scary it feels knowing my future isn't yet set but at the same time excited for a new adventure. How I hate myself for some stuff and how I love myself trying hard to not succumb to it. How simple life can be if only you choose it to be.

I was really getting to know Afifah better. 

But it will be a long and unnecessary story to tell. It is unnecessary because deep down I know that I've got all that resolved already. No cliffhangers. One thing for sure is that I lived in 2019 by the day and hold no loose ends. Except for my car loan.

I am not doing resolutions again. 2019 will be my first and my last. 

But I can still read through my tag "2019" to review how 2019 has gone by. Maybe I can learn some from it.

Maybe one day.

For now, I need to think about which baju batik I need to wear tomorrow.

p/s - I took one hour to write this