February Wrapped (so bad) and March To Do (hopefully)

February has been a disaster.

Hello folks. It is a lovely afternoon on the 3rd of March. How wonderful. The passage of time that stops for no one with me wasting out my youth and vigor. Such an interesting sentiment. Much wow.


Let's go through my February to do and put more BTS related and appropriate gif to truly portrayed how messed up everything is.

Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)

Omg Lullabies is so boring and I'm just not cut out for Hilal Asyraf's writing style. 

The funny thing is, I knew I've read some of Lullabies but I don't have any memory that I actually finished reading it! Lullabies was just so hopelessly heartbroken, not poetic enough (at least for me) and just so not for me that I just forgot I actually have finished it. How is that even possible? But I still re-read the whole thing. 

For 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan, I just finish reading it like just before I started to write this post. It is just not my kind of self-help book. I know I can only tolerate certain style of self-help book but trying to finish this in one month is such a hard task for me. The points in the book are like any regular dakwah styled self-help but the way it was arranged to be like one chapter per day and how kind the tone used is good and refreshing (I always feel that the sentap style is too exaggerated). Plus, the inclusion of many Quran sentences to justify chapter just made it so appropriately evidenced. But still, it was boring? That sounded so wrong. 

Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites) + Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)

I am three poems behind and it was because I put off everything until the last week of February. \ I'm planning to finishes the three poems left and uninstall Instagram because I'm going into an Instagram detox in March y'all. 

Check out my poetry discussion at my Instagram highlights at @afifahwrites. I even did one from Robert Frost (that guy who wrote Roads Not Taken in our high school literary text, remember him?)

Plan an itinerary to Singapore

I always told myself that "I need to check what I planned for February instead of lazying around" and then come to a conclusion "don't worry, I remember everything" - I don't. I have completely forgotten about this one. I'm not even sure where my itinerary notebook is.

Have 10 days of more than 5k steps + Track weekdays calorie


Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)

I'm pretty sure that my calorie intake is like all over at least every other day

Fast for three days
At least this is done although I got my period at 6.30pm for the last day. To be honest, I knew my period is nearing but I wanted to tick this one off so bad. I only got my dinner at 7pm so like, puasa lah tu.

Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work

To choose one, I need to try it first and see if I like it. So the problem was that I thought I need to follow a certain set of yoga from any yoga Youtube videos because I thought that is how yoga should work - do a certain set. But then keeping up with the set is exhausting since I am the most not flexible person and even though it states the "for a beginner" - it was so hard to keep up. So I  just find a list of movement to do and just slowly go through it one by one. Here is the list - afifah yoga thing.

he is disturbingly flexible

February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.

It was great to find a certain emotion and feeling within me and try to channel it out. But I notice that my flow is so not flowing. I'm not sure why. I know I didn't write much now but I used to have times I didn't write for a long period but I have never felt out of flow. You guys can check out my poems in my Instagram account @afifahwrites.

Keep track of daily spending habit
Apparently, even though I'm quite responsible about spending, I notice that I have a few spending commitment which is quite a sum of money. Plus I like food and treating food for others so there was where my money went. I need to learn to save money because my job now is a contract basis. I might be jobless in a little less than 2 year. Yay future.

Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.

I do wrote two post but I change the cooking one with my lippies collection. One of the reasons why everything is messed up is because I am everywhere. I plan to focus on my monthly goals during the weekend but I'm almost always somewhere or some chores to do every weekend so that means stocking up food will most likely end up spoiling it. So I post about my lippies instead. I just did a week of grocery shopping for cooking last Thursday so I will come up with part two of that cooking thingy this month. 

Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Like I say before, my weekends was busy so I don't have time to spend with my friends.

Some things that I have not planned but I did and I just want to share it here

We went to visit my baby brother at his school and it was a simple hanging out and eating food. We brought him out and spend a night there at a cozy homestay. There was a paddy field right beside us. So that one weekend out. 

There is this one weekend that I wanted to bake cookies and went to a river but it all went south when my aunt got hospitalized for unstable angina. She is fine, nothing serious, so I thought. She was only at our house because she loves visiting us and she always stays for a few days.

Much to our surprise, the next week, my uncle (the husband of the said aunt) also got rush to Emergency for being unconscious. He was having a really high blood pressure but it wasn't too serious and thus not warded. At the very same day, his grandson, broke his arm while playing with his friend. The poor boy need to go into surgery to put some wire to align the bone. The week got even more complicated when my aunt get hospitalized again. We are now waiting for a check-up at HKL to see if she has any more health problems. Thank god she was at home this time. At least her children are close. So we went to spend the weekend there.

I know these sound a bit gloomy and drama filled but it was honestly a good weekend. We splurged on Mc Donald for breakfast on Saturday and got happy meal's toy for the kid with the broken arm (he was so stressed out during his hospital stay because he can't get off his bed unless if he need to use the bathroom). My aunt makes curry noodles on Sunday (yup, the very same aunt that got hospitalized twice in the span of one week). 

I also got to meet my cousin newborn daughter. I think she is like three or four months old now but god she has grown out so much from the last time I saw her. My baby cousin still favour my sister over me (yes, I have a cousin who is still a baby, a two year old actually, but I'm still calling him a baby) and my other cousin's 2 years old have now learned to say "tak boleh" to practically everything, or probably just me.

I also watched Back to The Future - part one and part two. It was good especially since it is one of the pioneer movies in time travelling and sci fi in general. But I just don't feel like I need to watch the last one. It is basically time travelling. I do appreciate how the Doc explain stuff and making all thing sounds legit.

I also finished watching Bad Genius (I started watching this last Eid lol) and The Age of Adaline (I almost forgot that I have watched half of this). Bad Genius was lengthy but the ending was good. The Age of Adaline should have more details on Ellis and Adeline love story plus it was something seeing Blake Lively and Harrison Ford in the same movie. 

I also watched two Korean movies - Old Boy (so traumatizing) and Lucid Dream (good storyline but the lucid dreaming part is just wrong and unrealistic). Oh ya, I watched Ponyo too! Ghibli Studios never fails me. I did a few night shifts so it was either watching Netflix or reading. But my "to be read" are so boring and I can't afford making myself sleepier so Netflix it is. Funnily, Netflix movie is only like one hour and a half but I still hope they have fast forward option cause I have limited attention span but I a people of culture. I need to be appropriately movie cultured.

Oh ya, I did a Twitter free February and decided that I love spitting nonsense on Twitter so I'm back at it.

Wow. There are so many things happened during February.


So for March, we are taking it a step back by making 6 things only.

  1. We are reading fiction  - Norwegian Wood (my first Haruki Murakami's) and I'm still looking another fiction book. At first, I want to read The Nutcracker Men (a fiction book about World War One) and I am down three chapters when I decided that I'm not spending March with this fella. I want to be truly involved in a storyline which usually means some Young Adult's novel. Do suggest one for me!
  2. Improve my blog familiarity among bloggers - I have 496 followers now. I don't really care about it but it is something to be 4 followers ways to 500. So I'm focusing this month to learn about more bloggers and just add more blogs to my reading list. This usually means more blog walking and following and if you guys got Twitter, I'll be following that too. I still need some kind target so let's do this until I got 500 followers.
  3. Write one post about my cooking thingy and one post about how life has been being over 25 years old.
  4. Since I'm too lazy to go out and get that 10k steps - we will be doing zumba. I'm not putting any target except for trying to do it as much as possible
  5. Write an itinary to hatyai that includes krabi and to Singapore.
  6. To skip heavy dinner every other day - I need to take my diet seriously.

seokjin slim waist and broad shoulder = dorito is a good motivation

I took almost two hours writing this. OMG. 

I need dinner.

ps: If anyone got annoyed with the amount of BTS memes/gif, my goal has been achieved. If anyone is actually entertained by it, good, my goal has been achieved as well. I like to think I'm so cunning this way.

My Lippies Collection (why on earth i have this much for?)

from left to right as according to the following pictures as well as how I'll be numbering the review. yeah, the lippies colour doesn't really varies from one another.

This post was initially supposed to be my second part of that cooking thingy (which was supposed to be published in February but moving on). However, I don't have enough material since I don't cook much (it such a hassle since there are plenty of off days which means I go home which means if I buys groceries it will take such a long time to finish which means it will simply go bad and I still have some sweet potato in the fridge ffs)

So instead of that, I'll be writing about my lippies since it is amazing how I have all of these when I put on make-up about five times per month and I only tried so much to at least put a lippy for about once or twice per week.

I was actually just going to simply explain how the colour looks and that is just stupid. I'm doing a lippy review. I need to put pictures lah kan. So now I need to like put on a scarf and put on a lippy and snap a picture and then wipe it off (where is my makeup remover?) and repeat for all seven of it.

1. OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color (code 05 Rosewood) by Silkygirl

This is my favourite kinda nude coloured lipstick. I'm not sure why but nude colour never really works out for me. It either looked too red to be nude or just too pale or maybe because I have a slightly darker lips. But this one is just so nice with hint of rosy. Apparently, I just don't like too nude of a colour as it does looked too "pop out" with it pale-ish tint. But this colour looked so natural and most importantly, my lips doesn't looked sick.

2. Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion (code coral) by Sendayu Tinggi

I followed Yatie's Instagram cause I loved how she made Sendayu Tinggi looked so classy and I just have to try this one. I wanted to try how the cushion applicator feels which she made it looked so good and it is actually that good. I choose a slightly pinkish orangey colour cause I never buys this kind of colour and I like it. It wasn't drying my lips and so smooth too. It is somewhat  between a lip cream and a lip gloss. 

3. Mlbb Lip Tint (code 04 nude) by Silkygirl

I love this lip tint so much! First of all, it's a lip tint which means the application is simply this smooth gliding and it looks like I don't really put anything. But it have a bitter taste. It was so weird to lick your lip and taste this metallicish thing. The colour is so good so I'm still buying a new one when this runs out.

4. Matte Fever! Lipstick Balm (code 04 siren) by Silkygirl

I bought this years ago for my final year faculty dinner. I wanted a really good flaming red colour. It was a really pleasant memory actually. Buying this I mean. I was fooling around with my friend trying few raging red colours because I wanted a specific red hue which is this one. Not too orangey, just as red and a little bit dark. Every girl need one flaming red lipstick.

5. Lingerie Matte Lipgloss (code 11) by Kiss Beauty

I bought this last Eid, I guess? There is an Eid's bazaar held here and this cosmetic shop was selling their lippies for like RM1, or was it RM2? - the point is, it is really cheap. I know the quality will be bad and I'm not even sure if this is an original product (I've never heard of this brand too lol) but I thought for that cheap price, I can buy one  lip matte in nude colour and just see how it looks. I've never wore a nude lip cream (only swatch it on my hand and never found any that I like). I hate it. It looked so pale and feels so dry. I only use it as a cream eyeshadow instead. It gave a light pinkish colour which looks great as eyeshadow.

6. Matte Junkie Lip Cream (code 05 vixen) by Silkygirl

My cousin gave this to me. The lip cream texture is only a little bit dry and won't really bother much if you let your lips soften by applying lip balm beforehand. It doesn't have the lip gloss feels like the one by Sendayu Tinggi. The colour is beautiful but it wasn't the right shade of red that I like. I usually wore this to give an ombre look because lip cream works better to give that ombre look than a lipstick.

7. Aloe Vera 99 Lipstick by Peinfen

It a knock out fake version of Nature Republic. It was RM5? Anyway, my lips feels so dry and I was desperate (this is the closest shop near my house). I though the aloe vera will helps. It does not. It does feels like glossy and moisturing but it doesn't really help my lips. If you don't have any dry lips problem. this will give you that smooth glossy feels but if you do have dry lips, you can still feel that dryness. However, I didn't know it turns red when you apply it so yay. It's like lip balm with cool red colour instead of that faint pink that some lipbalm gaves out. I don't like lip gloss but this gave just the right hint of glossy and I usually swipe some of my cheek and it gave this glowing, like a really subtle highlighter, which looks so natural. Anyway, back to my desperate search for lip balm but ends up with this, since my lips were still annoyingly dry, I still put on decent clothes and went to the mall and get two lip balms (one for my handbag and one for my work bag).

why the heck he got such full lips?? was this post simply an excuse for me to put picture of his full lips?

That's it. These are some drugstore products only. I don't think I'll ever buy anything pricey cause

1. I don't wear makeup regularly and
2. I like it when water and good amount of scrubbing could easily wipe off the stain.

Reapplying it is a bit inconvenience but to be honest, I hardly reapply it pon.

Now that I think of it, I really just need three lippies - lip balm/lip tint in red (these lip balm/lip tint formula will give a more subtle look), some good natural nudish colour (my go to would be the OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color) and one lip cream with my that specific red tone that I like (something like Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion but with code siren of Matte Junkie Lip Cream).

Out of all lippies out there, I think lipstick would be my favourite. Or probably a good lip cream. What about you?

Talking About Feelings and Being Free

I've been into multiple cars and motorcycles accidents - both with or without a second party and caused or not caused by me. The worst physical wound I got is some scratches that leave the faintest mark of scars but there are two occasions where the wrecked cars are condemned a "total lost".

The last car accident I've been, about three or four years ago, was caused by me and I went into this really depressing mode. This accident particularly hits me deep. Probably because the fact that I cause it and the car got totaled, probably because my friends were also in the car and I don't think I'll ever say sorry enough and it was also probably because walid wasn't there to take care of things. Or maybe it was cumulative of it. There are some things I remember so well and surprisingly, it wasn't the accident itself.

I remember I cried and I only did because I trusted that friend (she is a kind soul that way). I remember that she admits she was a bit clueless initially because she didn't expect me to cry. I never thought that I gave out that "no crying kind of person" vibes.

I remember feeling so depressed that one day I just hop into a bus, wander aimlessly, end up in a mosque and just sits there.

I remember my aunts were so shocked and went to visit at UKM and I remember that I gave out the most reassuring smiles and faintly, just so faintly, imagines, if mak was still alive, will I worries her this much too?

Then I remember when my housemates and I were going out, and one of them was asking for me to drive and she asked it with the most natural way that I didn't actually "totaled" a car a few weeks before. I drove that day and it feels so good.

Those moments holds some of the most important feelings I have ever experienced in my life and one most powerful emotion particularly is fear.

If there is one thing that I learned from all those accidents is that - fear is a really overpowering feeling and that I fear of having to relive those fear again. Yet at the same, knowing fear that close has also made me realize just how strong and capable I can be.

I know I can't ride a motorcycle as fast as I did before and I don't have any problem admitting that I was traumatized but I still ride. I still don't mind the long travel as well and even with the slight fear still pulsing in me when I ride, it's kind of okay. 

I got a bit nervous driving walid's Innova (since it's bigger) but each time, I just drive cause I know after a while I'll be comfortable like I have always been. That somehow, a bit of driving, will remind me that I know this. The shift of gears, to keeps your eyes for others, glance the back mirror every once in a while, etc etc.

I realized that I made myself not to drive over 120 km/hour (90 km/hour on a motorcycle) because it kinda triggers some anxiety in me and that feels quite okay too (except when cutting a car, duhh).

I also realized that I prefer to not be driving if I ride with other people because I think I'm just not good enough and that peoples just don't want me.

Almost amazingly, all of this anxiety or fear or traumatized or phobia or whatever peoples call it wasn't really about the accidents but more about fear. I was fearing the aftermath feeling - fear. I wasn't fearing about getting into another accident because I'll never be driving if that is what I fear. I feared the moments after it, the shock, the paramount rush of feelings that comes after, that no ones really understand what I'm feeling and can tell me what I need to hear and that is kinda lonely too. It was so overwhelming that I just can't get a hold of myself. I know the accident is over and I'm okay and everyone is okay but I just am deeply scared.

By time and thorough thinking, I guess, I got better. I feel better.

What those have really helped me throughout life is that it is hard to control what we feel and sometimes we just can't and it is okay. Peoples be saying choose happiness, choose to let go, etc etc but it has been a long and hard way for me to get there and I still got lost sometimes and those "good vibes poster advice" is really annoying. At times, feelings are so overwhelming that I forgot - I am somehow now, are controlled by this.

Feelings are the most addicting things but we never ever choose it and it always sucks us in without us realizing that we are being drowned.

But out of all feelings out there, fear is the most interesting one for me. It's good to find happiness in the most trivial way or to feel sad when your loved ones are dead. But fear is much more interesting. Everyone feels happy when eating their favorite food and everyone feels sad if their loved ones are dead but does everyone have a fear for, I don't know, let's say, driving? Does everyone that got into accident grow fears for driving? Fear is the most crippling things that we let it be.

There is this person, she is some sort of an authoritative figure, and my friends and I always feel like "die lah weyh if need to work with her". You see, what fears thought me is to imagine the worst possible things that might happen and what I need to do. That helps me to justify things are just not much of anything to start feeling fear in the first place. It calms me and helps me to think clearer. However, somehow, we always ended up doing stupid mistakes around her. It stops being scary and started to become a fact that I just have to live with. That is me conquering fear.

"I know I'll do some kind of mistakes somehow and at this point, I don't care anymore, I just need to take note what the mistakes are and just hopes not to repeat it again"

Image result for it's okay gif

There are a lot of other things that I fear and some of it is just so exhausting. The second most common theme of fear that I, and probably most peoples in the world, is people expectations. 

There are a few things I've learned from this kind of fear, which is sort of funny. It is that (1) whatever people expect from you is really their own problem because life still goes on (2) even if you  know that it is disappointing of you not to achieve "average expectations" - no one actually made it a lifetime thingy to be bothered when we are somehow being scarred for quite some time and the most important lesson is that (3) some people don't actually expect anything and we are the ones who constantly being worried that "what if people say so and so"

Image result for dont give a fuck gif

But people's expectations always gets to me. Even today.

You guys probably are weirded out by how deep I feel with this topic of fear. I find it interesting to think it through and this helps me to say "it is okay" more truthfully. I think saying "it's okay" is way more important than saying "everything will be alright". Peoples be feeling like shit and someone just say it will be alright? When?

All those moments I formulated the possible outcomes, I always end up saying, it's okay if this or this happens. It just what life is. I'd probably feel shitty for a while but it's okay. Even if there are people's expectation and I did fail them, "it's okay". Nothing good comes from over worrying it and fearing the next possible awful thing to happen.

I don't know why I wrote this. It lacks an actual purpose and I don't even know how to wrap everything but you know what, it's okay.

January Wrapped and February To Do

It is February already and January was perfect. Though I'm not exactly ace-ing the to-do list for January. Let's go through it, shall we?

Two blog posts - list of poetry books I have and 2018 faves -part two

I procrastinate the list of poetry book so bad. It got held back because I can't find good apps for sharing pictures from my smartphone to my laptop. I used to email it which is such a troublesome. I resort to using Google Drive instead. Oh ya, I hated using a USB cable. I'm staying true to become wireless.

Spring Cleaning my blog's labels

It is not 100% done but I manage to clear the important ones. Basically, I'm trying to categorize my posts instead of putting random labels. There are hundreds of post to go through. So I'm going to take some time.

Do Hatyai's itinerary planning 

I've told that I wanted to at least wrote itinerary as my New Year's resolutions. I bought a mini notebook for this. Hatyai's trip is pretty straightforward. I just noted the ticket price, it's going to be a 3-days-2-night trip and what market to go. Although I do notice that the train ticket got sold out so quickly.

Update 10 poems discussion for Instagram

I got so lazy to do this. I think I only manage to do four? But I'm determined to at least finished studying 10 poems even if I didn't manage to put the discussion on my Instagram account. The poems are really interesting. Scroll down to get the link to my poetry account.
Image result for why i'm so lazy

At least have 5 days with 5k steps + At least have 5 days with 10k steps

I FAILED SO BAD. I got so tired and lazy after work that I just give up. I tried to do it during the weekends but yeah, I don't. There is actually one day that I went out to the field to get the 10k steps but OMG 10k is a lot. I only managed to get 5k because it was getting dark. I got few days that the steps go beyond 5k. Google Fit isn't showing monthly stats? I did buy Mi Band 2 to get me more motivated. So let's do this Afifah!

Choose two cause to donate monthly

I thought of choosing two cause since, y'know, get the money spread and stuff. That is when I remembered Yayasan Dana Kebajikan Muslim Malaysia (YDKMM). I knew some of the volunteers or should I say, members? I'm not quite sure but they did a lot. From really good programs to help youth, collects funds for disaster/hunger/asnaf and qurban too.

Hang out leisurely with friends (done)

The idea was that I specifically target which friend I need to hang out for the month so that I can nurture our bond (wallawei ayat). I was thinking to hang out with these two friends that lived quite far from me and I did. It was so good cause I can talk a lot with them since I'm really comfortable with them. It was a good time. I miss them already.

Read 30 pages of Midnight Monologues

One of my resolutions is to read 25 books and it's like the middle of January when I realize that I need to read at least two books per month to reach that goal. I can be so stupid someime. Anyway, I'm just a few pages away to finish Midnight Monologues.  Need to do some catching up fellas.

At least have two weeks of tracking calories (not necessarily be calorie deficit)

I did and it was confusing, frustrating but also satisfying? Using MyNutrisi Diari app is good because they have plenty of Malay food but the portion can be confusing. But actually, I just need to eat the right portion. Plus, there is this easy option to state the portion you have had and even if the food is not listed, I can simply Google the calorie and adjust it accordingly. It helps to understand how I can control food intake strategically. I have lots of days that I go beyond the normal daily calorie intake though.

Image result for gif i love food

Puasa for two days

I wanted to do another day but I got lazy and now I am PMS-ing which means I feel hungry all the time plus I'll always feel slightly hypoglycaemic which is not good. Not good at all.


Ok now let's go to February's goals! I think we can add my resolution to be wiser in money management for the month.

  1. Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)
  2. Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites)
  3. Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)
  4. Plan an itinerary to Singapore
  5. Have 10 days of more than 5k steps
  6. Track weekdays calorie
  7. Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)
  8. Fast for three days
  9. Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work
  10. February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.
  11. Keep track of daily spending habit
  12. Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.
  13. Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Ok guys. I just need you guys to pray for me. Pray that I DO ALL OF THIS.

My Poetry Books Collection

I always banned myself from buying books because there are a lot of books that I have and still not read. But I always come to justify poetry books, especially the local ones, because it is just so hard to come across ones. 

and now, me, not an avid reader, got a small collection of poetry books. There are those that I didn't read or not yet finished reading, but I'm planning to read it all (read it again for those that I have finished) which will be included in this year To Be Read (TBR).

click on the title to be directed to Goodreads and I'm sorry for taking such shitty pictures.

All The Bodies We've Embraced by Sheena Baharudin

I think Sheena is the first important Malaysian poetry figures that I knew. Quite conveniently, after knowing and at awe for about a few months, Sheena published her second book. I can't remember how I bought it though. I loved how the book filled with such humanity, complete with how simple or complicated things can be. I like her style too. She is a good spoken-poet as well and now I'm excited to re-read the book. Go check her Instagram!

Magic and Madness by Zack Shah

I say that I like Sheena Baharudin's style right? I LOVE Zack Shah's style. The titles summed it so well - it is filled with magic and madness. I always try to incorporate these two elements when I write my poems, so loving this comes come naturally. He plays with wizardry, the Greeks, pixies and moon and stars - I am hopeless. I'm still waiting for his new book (which God know when) and his Instagram account is not enough. I think he saved the good ones for his book.

21 by Tasha Lim

Tasha Lim self-published her books so there is no Goodreads review of it. I knew Tasha from my Instagram poetry meddling. I met few Malaysian poets on Instagram and we even did this small project where everyone needs to make a post about "hope" to celebrate New Year of 2017. You guys can check #newhopefromMalaysia (but you'll find plenty of work from Jack Malik which I'm pretty sure he just copy paste his hashtags and keeps on putting that hashtag). Enough about that, Tasha's poems stays true to her style of rhyming. Although there are plenty of love poems, it wasn't those cheesy and repetitive ones so I still enjoy it. Think of it as that light, breezy, Sunday morning reading with a cup of hot Milo. Her friend's drawing is so cute too.

Paracosm by Arina

I accidentally found this book and Arina is awesome. Apparently, she starts writing poignant poems at the young age of seven years old. Her works is all about humanity. She wrote about the war at Afghanistan, how people had to flee their county and she even wrote a piece dedicated to Aylan Kurdi. As you can see, the book was published by Tun Suffian Foundation because apparently, the sales of the book will be given to the foundation to provide scholarships. She is around 18 when she published this book. Look at her drawings too! This is one crazy-talented girl.

Daylight Dialogues by Charissa Ong Ty

I also stumbled upon this one and I'm still reading it. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The poems are easy to be understood but it sometimes feels like more of a really well-written sentence than a poem. It does deliver the message, even though the messages are mostly about that naive love and how it becomes passionate and then comes heartbreaks, which I think why it becomes so popular? I noticed such poetry books becomes popular and it saddens me because it isn't my type. So I can't really turn to "that famous poetry book" if I want a new reading. The short stories were good though and it is most probably because it stops being that cliche'.

Lullabies by Lang Leav

Now I can't really say poetry if I didn't read Lang Leav's right? Her book always sit at that best selling throne is MPH and Popular but I never buy one because INTERNATIONAL BOOKS IS DAMN EXPENSIVE. This is a preloved book and thank god I decided to buy a preloved one because it is so boring. Why can I like something that everyone likes? Again, it is the repetitive, love and heartbreak and not to mention her style are the same throughout the book. Sometimes, it kinda feels that I simply read the same poem in a slightly different arrangement. She does have that good "plot twist" thing that I love reading in a poem but apart from that, I can't really think of a reason to buy more of her books. I read it halfway and got really bored. Gotta re-read it and put it behind me.

There is one more book that I'm planning to read but I still don't buy it. Same like Tasha Lim's, it is a self-published book by Nuruljannah. I also knew her from Instagram. You can check her Instagram to buy the book. I think I'll just update this list when I finished reading her book.

That is all!

It's okay to not be spitting rainbow

There are two quite shitty things happened recently and I'm absolutely horrified even at the idea of tomorrow. Plus, there are some events to happen this week that are just as emotionally exhausting. Two of the event involves people that I'm not ready to meet. It's not like they are bad or anything, it's just me not wanting to meet peoples (at the moment, I'm not shutting out peoples) and be what they expect me to be when I don't feel like it. I'm not depressed or anything but these are some prominent things and the tense kinda builds up today so yeah, I am mildly panicking. Also, it's not really panic but somewhere in the middle of feeling unneeded worries and also, in general, feels like, I should be better than this but also like, do I deserve good things?

I don't even know how to write this feeling appropriately but I know I need to write it than simply sleep it off. Plus, I kinda made a deal with myself to write more about my mental wellbeing because these are important kinds of stuff that I actually Google-d but found nothing. 

No, I do not need the self-help or good vibes (which I'm pretty sure they are high on something) kind of advice. I just need a real talk.

The thing is, I always have this kind of feeling but it usually comes solo, not five drama straight thrown into my face to be dealt in the next 72 hours. When those moments come, I'll be totally occupied with it and that is hard for me because I'm always either letting go or unbothered. When something clings onto me, it just feels so tiring. I'm always reminded of the problems, always feels how it is going to be bad and it usually involve other people so then I have to also think about other's thought about me.

There is this one thing that lasts for a good fucking year before I have the courage to even accept the idea of letting go but I'm still like 30% attached to it. 

I know why we need to let go or how overthinking won't help but I can't help these feeling. I'm not asking pity. I just want to say that, it's okay to not be spitting rainbows all the time and this will get better. 

Also, do anything that will let you feel better at times like this. Binging funny sappy fanfiction is your thing? Do it! But those can only help so much until you realize where the problem is. The solving of a problem can only be started by first identifying it. This is what I'm doing, well, at least what I'm trying to.

I just want this month to be over ASAP and continue lives a mundane life. 

2018 Favorite Self Care Thingy (Part Two)

Note to myself to not make a topic into several part because only God knows when I'll actually continue it.

(read Part One - HERE)

Just a heads up, I'm quite far behind for January's goal but still, I will write everything about it. I'm also still so in love with BTS only now I'm a bit bias wrecked toward baby Jungkook. He is 5 years younger than me OH MY GOD. This is so tiring.

By the way, the pictures used in this post will be from the internet cause I'm just too lazy to move the pictures from my phone. Any suggestion on good apps for transferring files from smartphone to laptop? I used ShareIt before but the apps flop after they changed the company.

Dr Ko's Dermax - Acne Therapy Solution Clarifying Treatment Gel
I just have to include Dr Ko's product. You can read my experience for my acne treatment at Dr Ko's clinic HERE. Out of all the product I have used, this one is my favorite. If you are prone to acne or simply want a good product when that occasional acne comes visiting, this is IT. It is RM99 but totally worth it. I still have mine left and that has been used for over a year. I only wear it when there is some small acne popping out which was just amazing because it usually clears out in one day. I've told about Aiken (here) which also works wonder but I'm sticking to this one since it works so well in deeper acne as well. It is my foolproof backup plan to prevent from further breakout y'alls.

Dr Ko's Dermax - Miracle C Powder
This is my other favourite from Dr Ko's clinic but it is damn expensive. One vial only contains 1.9g powder and cost RM150 but it works so well! It truly brightens my skin which not only fades out the acne scar but overall makes my skin looks so much healthier. Medicine and all those products to cure acne can only do so much for skin because its main purpose is the acne. I was left with dull skin and patches of scar which awesomely faded so much with only one vial. I was thinking to buy another one but changes my mind to get the "buy one free one" facial treatment instead. I'm quite satisfied with my skin now and was thinking to try face serum. By the way, any good suggestion for face serum? I've tried Nano White and The Ordinary but not liking it.

Good Virtues Co - Anti Dandruff Care Shampoo

The saga of my dry and brittle hair continues. I've noticed that shampooing my hair makes it so dry. Since I wore scarves the whole day, combined with the sweats, of course, it just feels "not clean enough" if I only washed it with water. Good Virtues Co product is so mild that I wasn't left with that horribly dried out afterwards. I still need to use the hair cream but this is such a major breakthrough for me.

Sheet Mask from Guardian

Since my acne has cleared out, I tried using sheet mask to pamper myself. What I didn't expect is how good my skin feel, all supple and hydrated, which last a good whole day. Even more amazing, I didn't have any reaction towards it and the sheet mask is so cheap. Only RM5 each! I come to use more often and even made it into my Secret Santa gift at work.

Blue Light Filter + Matte Tempered Glass 

that's not my phone. just fyi.

Some of my co-workers were actually amazed at my tempered glass? It is not like it is exactly amazing but the fact that a simple tempered glass is noticed by a few other peoples made me want to include it in the list. While I love a clear tempered glass to complement the brilliant colour that my phone screen provides (it is Redmi Note 5A) the fingerprints are bugging me so much. So when the shop assistant says "yeah we have it but it is the one with the blue light filter", I bought it right away even though it cost RM30 (I have a principle to not but a tempered glass cost more than RM10). People rarely use matte tempered glass especially with a blue light filter coating which does look a little something else.

and I'm done!

January To Do

I'm playing Sims mobile because I want to like understand what playing Sims feels like but this mobile is like so basic so I guess it is not a good plan but I'm determined to have my sims married. 

Besides playing Sims, there are plenty of things I want to do this month. However, this post is scheduled to post today (10th January 2019) because traffic and stuff since I just posted my 2019's resolutions a few days ago (but I actually wrote both posts on the same days, talk about inceptions).

Firstly, I dropped that "Roll On" before my post's titles. I'm not actually sure how that started but it feels stupid for 2019 so yeah, goodbye.

Secondly, I've just updated my Pinterest board. I love it so, so much.

Now let's get on to it.

life on track

  1. Two blog posts - list of poetry books I have and 2018 faves part two
  2. Spring Cleaning my blog's labels
  3. Do Hatyai's itinerary planning 
  4. Update 10 poems discussion for Instagram
  5. At least have 5 days with 5k steps
  6. At least have 5 days with 10k steps
  7. Choose two cause to donate monthly
  8. Hang out leisurely with friends (done)
  9. Read 30 pages of Midnight Monologues
  10. At least have two weeks of tracking calories (not necessarily be calorie deficit)
  11. Puasa for two days

That's it!

Life - 2019 Resolutions

I know I should do this earlier but it doesn't really matter (cue for Bohemian Rhapsody).

I'm that person who thinks that if you want to change then do it now. Time is just a construct. But this year, it seems that the star has aligned. I finished my PRP early November. Had lots of off days during November and December to just have fun, do nothing and simply rest. But now, we are getting a fix in life. I can and I want to totally focus on me this time around so this year is going to be me figuring out myself.

There are two approaches to do this.

First, I will need to do a quarterly update (meaning I will update the progress at the end of March, June, September, and December). This will help me to get on track plus maybe dropping a thing or two if I think it is irrelevant.

Second, I'm trying to do monthly goals like Marzia did. I'm not a follower of lifestyle icon (?) because let's face it - those are so unrealistic. But apparently, I have a thing for Marzia. Her video is so cute and fun. It's a shame that she stopped doing videos. Anyway, you can't see it now since she has deleted her videos but what she did it that she has monthly goals which usually about three to four stuff but big stuff so it takes time to finish. Then she shares it through her video on the updates. I think the last one I saw is about her wedding planning like choosing a wedding dress. I will update in this blog since this blog is literally the best way for me to keep track of things

Image result for marzia gif

However, knowing that changes take time and I want these changes to be a permanent part of my life, we will do this slowly. Which is the very reason for that monthly goals so that I can focus certain things per month instead of wanting to do everything and bails. Oh yes, we are doing it slowly, basically, these resolutions is like things I want to have/developed by the end of the year.

Ok. Let's do this.

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Lose weight

I never really put "losing weight" into a life-to-do-thing but since I have gained lots of extra weight especially during 2018 and I don't want to live a sad old life, I want to get in shape. This requires an active lifestyles and good eating habit. So for this, I'm aiming a weight loss of at least 1 kg per month. How?

  1. I need to really watch what I eat hence - calorie counting. There's an app called MyNutriDiari 2 which contains Malaysian foods that will make it easier for me to keep track of my calorie. Also, intermittent fasting diet seems good since I do want to have fasting as a habit.
  2. Living an active lifestyle. I want to commit to having 10k steps per day because I know it will be harder for me to actually go out and jogs. But I'll start gradually though. Same goes to doing calori deficit diet.
  3. Trying a simple exercise routine every morning. This is due to "Ikigai - The Japanese Secret to A Long Happy Life" that I just finished reading. It states how simple doing simple exercise daily can help you become happier or healthier. It's tempting because it simply suggests doing an exercise like taichi, qigong, etc, which is just a really simple set of movements. 


I put reading at a halt during 2018 since I want to focus on my PRP study and stuff. But I did finish a few books though and yes, I'm proud of myself. I'm always drawn to self-help books but for 2019, I'm going to read poetry and fictions only. I have pledged on Goodreads for 25 books this year. It will consist of all the poetry books that I have but still haven't finished reading and I'll treat myself to new fiction books. For fictional books, I'm thinking to just buy those that piqued my interest in Fatina's and Eyqa's review. I'm also going to read more local indie books ( I need to understand better what the fuss is all about). Oh yes, I need to try Murakami's too!

 money management

2018 is the year of spending and yolo-ing. But now, I need to be more responsible with my money. It kinda sucks seeing that I spend a lot but I'm not really sure for what? I'm pretty sure like half of it went to food and simply buying random pieces of stuff. I have a few things in mind for this.

  1. Set up monthly saving
  2. Set up monthly donations
  3. Set up monthly spending for family
  4. Start that save RM5 per day thing (I never menabung okay, I'm starting now)
  5. Keep a budget for food

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having fun

If you read my previous post, you would understand why "having fun" is a to-do list. I'm stupid at this. I think it is pre-decided that I need to travel right? Seeing how shitty I am at saving money, traveling could be a good motivation. There are a few places I want to go which I'm planning to go with my friend. I also read somewhere, that even if you don't actually go, planning also gives some sense of satisfaction so there's that. Plus, I also want to spend more time with my friends which are conveniently nowhere near me which means I need to spend more efforts to meet them.

  1. Plans trip for Hatyai, Singapore, Sabah, Brunei and Japan
  2. Hopefully, I actually put that planning on practice
  3. Hang out with friends at least once a month

trying more new things

I have a few things I want to do in 2019 which I'm not really sure how to categorize it so here it is

  1. Have a pet
  2. Learn Mandarin
  3. Learn brush painting
  4. Learn how to use a music instrument (I'm so attracted to ukelele at the moment)
  5. Be minimalist (literally going through stuff and ponders if I need it. Will do a post about minimalism)

spiritual life

I'm not the most spiritual being. You will be so amazed at this statement if you knew my dad. Anyway. I want to be better. I guess, being led spiritually is the thing that I need now. People says, well, just do more ibadah then you'll find peace et cetera, et cetera. Well, I'm not suddenly wanting to do more ibadah lah kan? I'm totally a noob here. There's plenty of things to do but the main question here is where am I starting?

  1. Try to read more Quran and hopefully khatam once this year
  2. Read Quran translation - like the whole thing.

I'll do another post on what I aimed for January and I hope I'll keep updating to see the progress of stuff. Ok. Do you think I'm being delusional wanting to do all of these? Will 2019 be different? Cause honestly, time is just a social construct but wasting it is just the biggest sin out there.

btw, I make a new tag "2019" specifically for this resolution thingy