We Don't Care April Has Ended (the lies we tell ourselves) and New Niche?

I got a revelation yesterday, I want to build a niche for my blog. Yes, I've been blogging for years and only now I decided to make a niche. But before we dive into that, I need to tell something. We went for iftar today and I knew the "terawih" here starts late so I thought I can still make it. But I got lost and when I finally found my way, it was way too late so I went back home. Yupp. I really did that. So now I'm updating my blog. 




Ok, first thing first. My monthly updates. I didn't set any goals for May because it's Ramadhan and I was just way too comfortable in my new house. Yes, I move out, again. The new place that I told before is just hot and too small. I kept on whining about it and a friend of mine at work suggest to move in together because her place is too dusty (she was being dramatic). Anyway, the idea of living with actual friends is so appealing. We got another friend of ours to move in together as well and now here we are under the same roof. Cheaper rent, more spaces, and someone to talk too after day work. It has been great. 

Ok, I'm sidetracked.

April's target outcomes.

  1. Finish reading both Kafka on The Shore and Norwegian Wood - DONE AND I TOTALLY LOVES IT
  2. Read one poetry book - i'm halfway lol
  3. Finish reading Al Baqarah translations - i only read like two pages. omg, got any idea to make it, like fun?
  4. Try to at least go to the gym twice a week - i gave up gym. if you read my depressing post before that hatyai thing,you'll know that i just don't want to that. i think i'll do more walking after ramadhan. 
  5. Try to do at least 5 brush drawing practice (i think i have lost my brushes and watercolor) - i only did once. but at least i found a blog that has this series of tutorial. i think my brushes are of poor quality that it didn't turn out well. that reminds me, i need new brushes.
  6. A detailed itinerary to Thailand that includes Hatyai and Krabi - DONE!
  7. Write all 30 poems according to prompts from NaPoWriMo and update it into a thread on Twitter - i wrote until day 15. or was it day 18? i put it all on my pinned twitter. it's going to take some time but i do want to finish all 30 prompts. 
  8. No sugary drinks except for my daily morning coffee EOD - i really did forget about this.

Wow, I didn´t do as bad as I thought I did. 

Ok now let's go onto my revelation in actually building a niche for my blog. The niche is (cue for drumroll) - ok i don´t know how to word it out. Basically, I want to do a blog that focuses on self-improvement and self-discoveries. I want it filled with things that can enrich life, life hacks and simply helping others to become a better version of themselves. It was also to help me to become a better me. Ok, tell me, what kind of niche is that.







If I Were To Go To Krabi, Songkhla and Hatyai

It´s April and I finally did something for my "travel" resolution of at least plans one. By the way, it feels like ages ago that I started this post and I finally come back to it and finish it for good. The idea was that the planning itself might get you pumped up. It was initially just Hatyai. A quick escape. But then I thought, I should really go to Krabi as well.



Let´s just get into it. 

First of all, getting into Krabi. My best choice would be going to Krabi and travel down from there to Songkhla and finally Hatyai. I was excited about the idea of flying to Krabi and return by train from Hatyai. But getting a train from Hatyai is tricky. I might end up needing to take a bus.

According to Skyscanner apps (I planned this to be somewhere at the end of June or early July), the flight tickets can be around RM83 to RM100.  Bus ticket from TBS to Hatyai is RM70 and according to this blog it cost her RM85 to go to Krabi from Hatyai. She did say that she get a bad deal cause it can be around RM55 to RM65

On the other hand, taking a train from Hatyai will cost me RM120 (including the train ride from Hatyai to Padang Besar). I also budget around RM50 for transportation as it seems the tuk-tuk fare is quite cheap and we just need to walk more.

Apart from that, it is estimated that the bus fare from Krabi to Songkhla to be around RM40 while only RM5 from Songkhla to Hatyai. 

But, I'm not entirely sure that there is a bus trip from Krabi to Songkhla because there is only one source that I can found showing this trip and we need to change buses at Trang. I also can't find anything on EasyBook apps so I decided it will be best to go straight to Hatyai and take a trip via tuk-tuk or minivan to Songkhla for a simple day trip and went back to Hatyai.

Now let me show you my grand table of transportation fees. I can be too detailed sometimes.



So transportation alone has cost me (pergi balik)

  • RM 300 for both - if we take a flight to  Krabi and went back by bus // if we went to Hatyai by bus and take a van to Krabi and went back KL by bus
  • RM350 if we took the train to go back
  • Need to consider extra cost to go to KLIA
  • RM50 to spare for tuk-tuk.
By far, taking a bus will be the cheapest and less hassle but it's going to be such a long ride.

Next is lodging. It seems like Ao Nang is a bit high end and from my research on Trivago, I need to budget around RM100 per night for 2 people and around RM80 to stay in Hatyai (also for 2 persons). The plan was to stay for two nights at Krabi and another two nights at Hatyai. This summed up to RM360 or RM180 per person.

So, both transportation and lodging will cost me RM480

I also budget for a simple rice dish and trying some foods at Hatyai so maybe around RM35 per day but RM50 for my food venture at Hatyai. That will be RM200.

Now everything will cost me - RM680






Island hopping packages (including snorkeling)  may cost from RM100 to RM160 but we need to survey it ourselves. So that will total up to RM840

The plan was to spent our first day at Ao Nang simply strolling around and looks for a good package. The second day will be spent on island activities. On the third day, we will go back to Hatyai and maybe go to Songkhla on that same day.

As for the other activities, hopefully, I can also go to Ao Luk but I'm not a fan of kayaking lol. For Hatyai, I just want to go to Greenway Night Market, Asean Market, their floating market and do some massage. I think it would be nice to go to the municipal park and ride a cable car. As for Songkhla, I want to go to Samila beach, Tangkuan Hill, Songkhla old town and probably this municipal park with that big dragon head statue.

i slept for three hours, it´s raining and food

I've been feeling shitty for some times now and it wasn't even because of PMS. At one point, I stopped bothering about dieting and exercising and just eat whatever I feel like eating. To tell you the truth, I don't feel like eating much but I always crave for rice at lunch so there´s one. About a week ago, I randomly told my friend that I´m going on a three-hour drives to Seremban and was wondering if she wants to hang out. I don´t even mind if she´s free, I just want to do something and feel something. I was feeling so empty. If you read this, thanks for suggesting the sea. 

I still feels so empty. Also, I have realized that I love the sea and museums. 




Self-care is good. To be honest, the little exercise I did earlier this month has done wonders to my mental health. I didn't feel as troubled or anxious. My body tires out so I got better sleep. Going to work is actually fun. But suddenly everything just turns sour. It kinda scares me. I just feels so gloomy and tired. I start to feel horrible cause I´m either just don't feel like it or too tired.

I went home last weekend and I wanted to paint the walls (I have delayed this plan for almost four months). We finished on Sunday morning and I got some spare time before I went back to my place in the afternoon. I was thinking to take a nap but I just can´t. There are too many things going through my head and it was mostly due to me being all sluggish and tired and don't want to do anything and that I should be doing "things" instead of taking a nap. It was at that point I realized that this has been going on for some times as well and that´s why I kept on scrolling 9gag until late at night cause even though I'm tired, I just can't sleep.

We had lunch and I take that "feeling so full I´m sleepy now" opportunity to take a nap. It's a weekend. I needed that nap with all the funny sleeping schedule I have been on. I started to have some pimples that keep on reappearing after it heals. The only thing that triggers my acne is stress. I shouldn´t even feel any stress right now. 

I'm just feeling so empty. But I'm still functioning. I made myself go out to eat my friends and colleagues. It didn´t really make me feel any better but I do feel like I have accomplished something. I have a fun run tomorrow and it was my first time joining a run. Again, I'm feeling like I'm achieving something which is kinda a nice feeling. 

I did my night shift last night and manage to snuck about three hours sleep. Before that, I have scrolled Instagram and 9gag just so that I didn't have to think about how my life has been. There wasn´t much patient and I should be spending the time being productive but I just don´t want to read something to achieve my tbr or write something to finish NaPoWriMo challenge. 

You know that slight rush you get in the morning when you didn't get enough sleep. That´s me right now. I bought McD's cappuccino and porridge and with the help of that rush, I made myself write this. I need to write this out.

It's a really confusing time to live. I live alone but still manage to spend so much. I wanted to be healthier and while it was a fun thing to do for sure, it isn´t anything much when I keep feeling tired and sluggish. I want to be alone but I don't want to feel lonely. I can´t keep calm somehow. I feel like I always need to do something even when I´m tired or like now, when I don´t feel like doing anything. But sometimes I'll feel like nothing really matter. All these things didn´t matter. 

No one understands me and at this point, I don't understand me either.

I don't know. The only thing that makes sense now is that if I feel hungry, I'll eat. Try to sleep at least by 12 am. Coffee in the morning is sacred. Try to put on a decent look every day (that means no tudung sarung). Keep on cleaning my face and put spot treatments. Do laundry. Repeat.



tried some sarawak foods. i like mee kolok.


all the nasi goreng have weird names but it is still some nasi goreng only
but the akak really cooks well.




Cooking for One (part 2) and Lunchbox Plan for One Week

I didn't go home this weekend so that I can focus on getting some posts done on my blog, thoroughly review my New Year's resolution and do whatever possible to get some of those resolutions working or at least makes a definite to-do things so that I do things. One of the things that I just have to get it done is this cooking post and also this lunchbox plan in order to eat healthier. Talk about being productive.




and by this weekend, I mean last weekend, because this post is scheduled to be posted sometime next week.

This "Cooking for One" is one post that I have put behind for almost two months. I knew that I'm going to need to move out so I make sure to not buy a lot and focus on finishing stuff that I already have. Yet there is still about five eggs and some cabbages that I have thrown away. There were plenty of goodbye feasts and night shifts as well so I just don't cook much.

Okay. First thing first, the groceries. Apparently, I forgot to take pictures of my groceries but it isn't that important so I'm just listing it here plus the things that I already have in the kitchen.

  1. Broccoli 
  2. Tomatoes - 4 medium sized ones
  3. Kam Heong chili paste
  4. Some eggs that just never finishes
  5. Some dried noodles that took forever to finish
  6. About 300g of meat

slow fry a tomato that has been cut into smaller pieces until it becomes some sort of paste and then put the meats and cabbages. season with salt and some kam heong chili paste. use the leftover paste on the pan to stir fry the noodles.

fry some onions and eggs (i always made the scrambled eggs into slightly bigger chunks). add some meat. season with oyster sauce, black pepper, and salt. I just melt some butter (i kept some for my bread) and fries the broccoli until it becomes soft. serve with noodle.

I have finally finished the noodles and the meat was still plenty so I decided to just cook all the meat left. this is actually a lazy recipe that we do at home. just cuts tomatoes into small bits, in this case, it is the last two medium sized tomatoes, and when it turns into a paste, adds meat. seasons with oyster sauce and salt. we always saute some onions first but I was lazy that day.

I think there were two more dishes but I can´t find the picture since I have changed to a new laptop. But it is more or less the same. The Kam Heong chili paste is amazing. If I have chickens or meats, I don´t have to add anything except for salts. It would taste great with rice but cooking rice for one person is too much work.

and now let´s move to my lunchbox plans 

I wanted to do a proper lunch box for works just for the fun of it and also to train myself not to gobble lots of rice with high-calorie gravy. For this first time, I wanted to do a sandwich/bread based dish. Why sandwich? Cause I don´t want to spent too much time to prepare the food.

So roughly, I´m thinking to buy some eggs (can also serve as side dishes), some salads and tomatoes, probably one cucumber (also can serves as side dish as well), chicken breast for my proteins, some mayonnaise or cheese or mustard sauce or something cause I don´t like chili sauce on my sandwich, a papaya (I´ll be eating papaya for the whole week lol) and of course bread. So maybe it can be something like -

  • Monday - sandwich with slices of chicken breast (seasoned with black pepper and oyster sauce) with salad and tomatoes. Probablymayonnaisee or mustard sauce. 
  • Tuesday - typical eggs with mayonaisse sandwich and cheese (for added proteins)
  • Wednesday - repeats Monday recipe
  • Thursday - typical roti telur but made into a sandwich with cucumbers
  • Friday - sandwich with slices of chicken breasts and cheese.

The everyday sandwich will have papaya and cucumbers as side dishes. If I feel like the sandwich is too plain, I need to add cheese or chicken or eggs so that the extra protein can fill me up. I´m also going to keep some milk at work or else I´ll make another cup of coffee or simply wants buys some sugary drink. Milk helps me to put those urges at bay lol.

That´s all. Long live sandwich.

Image result for sandwich gif





How´s Life and New Year´s Resolutions Review

This is so surreal. How the heck it is April already??




If you guys read my New Year's Resolutions post, you will notice that I planned for the usual monthly targets and also a quarterly review of how far I have reached my New Year resolutions.

This is the first quarterly review. But before we did just that, I need to share some life's updates. 

First of all, since I have finished my PRP and now a legally licensed pharmacist, I will have a penempatan semula which simply means I will be relocated. But since this is the first time that the government is hiring us as contracts and that the contracts stated that we need to stay in the same state, there are chances that we will return to the same hospital. In which I did. I'm staying at the same hospital where I was a trainee and now is some sort of the same level as those who teach/mentor/freaking-giving-me-marks-if-I-am-actually-capable-to-be-a-fully-licensed-pharmacist. It is all so weird.

Since I am most likely to stuck here for at least another year, I decided to move out of my old room (the hospital's dorm but actually more like a studio apartment) and live in a small city nearby. My hospital is in this a rural-ish area but with Guardian and KFC. It's really weird but the small city near the hospital is only about 15 to 20 minutes drive and there is where I live now.

That's it. I thought there are so much more to it but apparently, the moving out was a big toll on me that it feels like so much had happened.

Let's move on to the quarterly review.




lose weight

The main idea was to lose one kilogram per month by eating healthier and living a more active life. I try to eat healthier (aka less rice, less sugar, less fat) but when I am PMS-ing, I tend to eat more but I'm still quite satisfied with how I have eaten less junk food. I realize that this planning thing really makes me second guessing "do I really need that food". I did lose about 3 kg but it is also contributed by how I start to control my eating from last December. I forgot to weigh myself and just follow the last weighing I did for this health program monitoring that hospital did on their staff. 

As for living a more active lifestyle, getting that 10k is impossible and it was almost annoying to fight how tired and sluggish I feel after work every day. One of the reasons I wanted to move out is so that the new living arrangement will make me more likely to go to the stadium or the gym. Apparently, a klinik kesihatan here have their own well-equipped gym. It has been three days now that I went there. I only use the treadmill or that bicycle thingy. It feels really good and I am inclined to go there every day. Let's hope I'll stick to this routine!

I still want to do that light routine every morning but well, I still don't. The gym really makes me tired and let's hope I can have better sleeps and thus wakes up earlier and then I can do that morning routine.



reading

I didn't finish my March reads and I only read one book on January so I have now finished three out of six books that I need to read in order to reach my Goodreads pledge of 25 books. As for the variety that I have aimed for, I still didn't read any local indie fictions but I am now reading Murakami's. I don't think that I want to push myself so much for this reading resolution. So I'm quite satisfied with my current achievements.


money management

I am totally flopping in this area. I simply forgot about it actually. There was always something extra to be spent on January and February so I just don't feel like putting money into my saving accounts. The monthly donation I have aimed for was also flopping. But I will make an automatic deduction since I have decided an organization for it.

As for the menabung, I still didn't do it as it feels stupid. You see, I didn't withdraw much money from ATM in order to remind myself not to spend so much since it is troublesome to go to the ATM. For the very same reason, I usually pay everything online or via debit card whenever I´m allowed to do so. So I am canceling this resolution and just focus on monthly savings first.

I wonder if I can do automatic deduction into my saving account. Apparently, I also need to take serious consideration in making sure I didn't spend too much on my daily food. I try to do this food budget but I simply forget about it too lol. I always buy outside food and never cares about how much I spent on it. I need to be more careful about this.





having fun

I have only met my friends in January and didn´t do any catching up on both February and March. I was planning to go to my friend wedding last March but I totally forgot about it and went to my aunt house since my siblings went there for the school holiday. I feel so bad about it. I really need to buy something for her.

Anyway, I´ve got some days off in April so I might go to meet my friends. I was thinking to go to Seremban and just chill for a day there. We´ll see how it goes.

I also need to have a nice, long vacation. I need to plan this well and by planning that means saving money too.


trying more new things


  1. Have a pet - my new placce didn´t allow pets so this plan might be halted till next year
  2. Learn mandarin - I´m thinking to learn some simple term from my chinese friends that I can also use at work. I´ll start there first.
  3. Learn brush painting - I just added this among to do list in April
  4. Learn to use a music apartment - this might be loud so I don´t think it will be appropriate to do in my new place.
  5. Be minimalist - my new place is basically a single room with a shared kitchen, toilets etc. It is a smaller room than my old one. The prospect of being able to be more minimalist is actually among other reason why I chose this place. I either throw out things I don´t need or left it at home. I also make sure I have the biggest possible free space. This is officially my first step of being a minimalist.


Apart from self-projects, I really didn´t do much outside my comfort zone. I´m not big on travelling but I think I need to do one just so I can venture more new things. I also need to be more disicplined with my losing weight and better money management too. I think that´s it for now. Next review will be at the end of June.


April Targets - Go Big or Go Home

LOL. I am definitely going home but a girl ought to dream.



I was thinking to merge my New Year´s resolutions review with April´s target but since the review is going to be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy longer while this is just a simple post, I decided to do this first.

I have officially moved into my new place and it feels good. I  am thinking to tweak around the arrangements a bit more and made it more chic like I did with my old place but for now, this totally works. 

Since I have flopped March so gloriously, let´s hope we can do a whole lot better in April.

The targets areeeeeeeeeee

*cue for drumroll please*




  1. Finish reading both Kafka on The Shore and Norwegian Wood
  2. Read one poetry book
  3. Finish reading Al Baqarah translations
  4. Do 5 poems discussion on Instagram
  5. Try to at least go to the gym twice a week
  6. Try to do at least 5 brush drawing practice (i think i have lost my brushes and watercolor)
  7. A detailed itinerary to Thailand that includes Hatyai and Krabi
  8. Write all 30 poems according to prompts from NaPoWriMo and update it into a thread on Twitter
  9. No sugary drinks except for my daily morning coffee EOD

EOD is this universally used medical terms that means every other day.

Is there anything you wish to achieve in Apil?

I Waste Away March

That was it. I wasted away my young and promising March and thus I'll end up getting old being lifeless. 

lol.

I knew I wanted less thing to do in March because the targets in February seems too overwhelming. Thank god for that or you guys would feel like I am a complete loser now. 

JOKES ON YOU. I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE LOSER




Anyway, back to my March's target.

Let's recap -


  1. Read two books
  2. Improve blog familiarity among other bloggers aka get to know more bloggers
  3. Post about that cooking thingy
  4. Try to walk more
  5. Eat less heavy dinner

Buckle up, this is one long, unnecessary story but I'm venting out. It's not really venting cause I'm not actually mad, I'm just so overwhelmed and so tired and now I can finally (semi) relax, I am so venting out.

I was supposed to have a penempatan semula when I got my license. It was scheduled on Monday last week. Amidst all the goodbye feasts, nervousness on going to a new place, packing stuff yada yada - I got the same hospital back. That means, I'm stuck here for another two years.I'm not even sure how to  react at that.

However, right from the start, I was ready to move out. Even if I got the same hospital back. I wanted to live somewhere else - a fresh start and stuff. Now, the packing and unpacking adventure starts. If you know me, I hate this kind of thing. Packing only to unpack? Pfft. Sign me out. But of course, there is no way out.

Since I'm still staying at the same hospital, it will be a waste to move out in the middle of the month so I'm stuck to live in a place where most things were packed and living bare for another week. Some of my stuff was already packed and were now in the car. So I have also live for a whole week with all kind of stuff in my car like some kind of hobo in a car. Not only that, I start to officially rent the new place on Monday. It was such a big pain in the ass to juggle working, tired from working and moving out. 

That was a horrendous two weeks. 

I lost Norwegian Wood for a good two week only to discover it in my car. 

My Mi band is out of battery and it has been a week but I still didn't found the charger. 

My favorite blouse got a big hole burned out when I first start to iron in my new place. '

I got so sleepy on Wednesday and Thursday at work from the lack of sleep and got real quiet on Thursday that my friends notice it. I only tell them it was because I'm sleepy and it is too hot. '

IT IS TOO HOT. The air-conditioner in our pharmacy is still down.

I got some acne breakouts and when one gets better, a new one pops out. IT WAS FRUSTRATING.

I was stress eating a lot.

With all of these happening, do you think I care about doing my goals? 



But that does not stop me from falling in love with Haruki Murakami's work. He is amazing! Oh ya, both books for my March reads are from him. I'm halfway through Norwegian Woods and I have also started reading Kafka on The Shore's ebook. I love these two so much. I decided to read these two first because Namjoom has suggested it.




Also,

Since my sister's phone got broken, I leave my laptop at home so that she wouldn't die out of boredom (our home PC was broken). I was going to buy some tablet-ish that will be easier for me to carry around but is still big enough so that I can do my blogging and watch Netflix. That left us with no laptop for the entire month. That is why there is still no update about my cooking thingy and the blogging around that I'm planning to do so that I know more blogs.

Funnily, I was looking out on my diet plan really well at the beginning of the month until I started to feel a bit bummed, y'know, the usual - need to continue my FRP life in the same hospital and all the trouble of needing to move out. I did a lot of stress eating.

I'm just not able to focus on anything until I finished my moving out so no trips planning too.

That zumba thing? With my room, all messed up and tiredness from lack of sleep and of these things happening? No.

But there are some good things I want to highlight.



1. We were staying at a cheap hotel in Shah Alam so that we don't have to go out early morning to lapor diri at JKNS. There is a thailand/japanese restaurant near called Madam Salma so we went there for dinner. It was so good and affordable. I haven't eaten good food for a really long time.

2. I did bought a tablet but it is somewhat a 2 in 1 tablet/lapto.  Basically it is small like a notebook but the tablet part is detachable. It is such a good buy. I'll make a post reviewing it.

3. I forgot that I actually own a bigger screen smartphone which means reading e-book is a whole lot comfortable. I snuck some reading when things get sluggish at work!

4. DID I TELL  YOU I FINALLY READS HARUKI MURAKAMI? IT IS SO GOOD.

5. I didn't meet my old friends but I did went out to eat with my colleagues for a few times which is refreshing.

6. I just tried the Shinjuku bake from Secret Recipe. IT SO SO GOOD.

7. I don't think I will ever like korean fried chicken. It is among "good things" because I like discovering new things about myself.

8. BTS new album will be coming out soon and the trailer, Persona, is awesome! The beats was quite chill but I was more attracted to the lyrics. I can't wait for the whole album!




9. The best thing of all, as off this very moment, I finally move out and arrange everything nicely so that it is appropriate for a living mess called Afifah.

But I just notice that I lost my scrunchies and my favourite singlet.

Well, you win some and lost some.


p/s - I'll do April's goal in a separate post as I need to also do my quarterly review of my New Year resolution.

February Wrapped (so bad) and March To Do (hopefully)

February has been a disaster.



Hello folks. It is a lovely afternoon on the 3rd of March. How wonderful. The passage of time that stops for no one with me wasting out my youth and vigor. Such an interesting sentiment. Much wow.

Anyway.

Let's go through my February to do and put more BTS related and appropriate gif to truly portrayed how messed up everything is.




Read Lullabies and 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan (I know I've said no more self-help books but I've bought it already ffs)

Omg Lullabies is so boring and I'm just not cut out for Hilal Asyraf's writing style. 

The funny thing is, I knew I've read some of Lullabies but I don't have any memory that I actually finished reading it! Lullabies was just so hopelessly heartbroken, not poetic enough (at least for me) and just so not for me that I just forgot I actually have finished it. How is that even possible? But I still re-read the whole thing. 

For 30 Hari Mencari Tuhan, I just finish reading it like just before I started to write this post. It is just not my kind of self-help book. I know I can only tolerate certain style of self-help book but trying to finish this in one month is such a hard task for me. The points in the book are like any regular dakwah styled self-help but the way it was arranged to be like one chapter per day and how kind the tone used is good and refreshing (I always feel that the sentap style is too exaggerated). Plus, the inclusion of many Quran sentences to justify chapter just made it so appropriately evidenced. But still, it was boring? That sounded so wrong. 





Study and publish discussion for five poems (on @afifahwrites) + Published all the poems that are left from January (on @afifahwrites)

I am three poems behind and it was because I put off everything until the last week of February. \ I'm planning to finishes the three poems left and uninstall Instagram because I'm going into an Instagram detox in March y'all. 

Check out my poetry discussion at my Instagram highlights at @afifahwrites. I even did one from Robert Frost (that guy who wrote Roads Not Taken in our high school literary text, remember him?)


Plan an itinerary to Singapore

I always told myself that "I need to check what I planned for February instead of lazying around" and then come to a conclusion "don't worry, I remember everything" - I don't. I have completely forgotten about this one. I'm not even sure where my itinerary notebook is.




Have 10 days of more than 5k steps + Track weekdays calorie

No.

Have 10 days calories deficit (not including fasting days)

I'm pretty sure that my calorie intake is like all over at least every other day




Fast for three days
At least this is done although I got my period at 6.30pm for the last day. To be honest, I knew my period is nearing but I wanted to tick this one off so bad. I only got my dinner at 7pm so like, puasa lah tu.


Choose a yoga/stretches routine for de-stressing after work

To choose one, I need to try it first and see if I like it. So the problem was that I thought I need to follow a certain set of yoga from any yoga Youtube videos because I thought that is how yoga should work - do a certain set. But then keeping up with the set is exhausting since I am the most not flexible person and even though it states the "for a beginner" - it was so hard to keep up. So I  just find a list of movement to do and just slowly go through it one by one. Here is the list - afifah yoga thing.


he is disturbingly flexible

February feelings - try to write and publish (on @afifahwrites) three poems about nostalgic feelings.

It was great to find a certain emotion and feeling within me and try to channel it out. But I notice that my flow is so not flowing. I'm not sure why. I know I didn't write much now but I used to have times I didn't write for a long period but I have never felt out of flow. You guys can check out my poems in my Instagram account @afifahwrites.


Keep track of daily spending habit
Apparently, even though I'm quite responsible about spending, I notice that I have a few spending commitment which is quite a sum of money. Plus I like food and treating food for others so there was where my money went. I need to learn to save money because my job now is a contract basis. I might be jobless in a little less than 2 year. Yay future.



Blog - write around the theme of "being free and not let anybody affect you" and my cooking for one for one week thing.

I do wrote two post but I change the cooking one with my lippies collection. One of the reasons why everything is messed up is because I am everywhere. I plan to focus on my monthly goals during the weekend but I'm almost always somewhere or some chores to do every weekend so that means stocking up food will most likely end up spoiling it. So I post about my lippies instead. I just did a week of grocery shopping for cooking last Thursday so I will come up with part two of that cooking thingy this month. 


Hangout with wani? That seems interesting.

Like I say before, my weekends was busy so I don't have time to spend with my friends.


Some things that I have not planned but I did and I just want to share it here

We went to visit my baby brother at his school and it was a simple hanging out and eating food. We brought him out and spend a night there at a cozy homestay. There was a paddy field right beside us. So that one weekend out. 

There is this one weekend that I wanted to bake cookies and went to a river but it all went south when my aunt got hospitalized for unstable angina. She is fine, nothing serious, so I thought. She was only at our house because she loves visiting us and she always stays for a few days.

Much to our surprise, the next week, my uncle (the husband of the said aunt) also got rush to Emergency for being unconscious. He was having a really high blood pressure but it wasn't too serious and thus not warded. At the very same day, his grandson, broke his arm while playing with his friend. The poor boy need to go into surgery to put some wire to align the bone. The week got even more complicated when my aunt get hospitalized again. We are now waiting for a check-up at HKL to see if she has any more health problems. Thank god she was at home this time. At least her children are close. So we went to spend the weekend there.




I know these sound a bit gloomy and drama filled but it was honestly a good weekend. We splurged on Mc Donald for breakfast on Saturday and got happy meal's toy for the kid with the broken arm (he was so stressed out during his hospital stay because he can't get off his bed unless if he need to use the bathroom). My aunt makes curry noodles on Sunday (yup, the very same aunt that got hospitalized twice in the span of one week). 

I also got to meet my cousin newborn daughter. I think she is like three or four months old now but god she has grown out so much from the last time I saw her. My baby cousin still favour my sister over me (yes, I have a cousin who is still a baby, a two year old actually, but I'm still calling him a baby) and my other cousin's 2 years old have now learned to say "tak boleh" to practically everything, or probably just me.

I also watched Back to The Future - part one and part two. It was good especially since it is one of the pioneer movies in time travelling and sci fi in general. But I just don't feel like I need to watch the last one. It is basically time travelling. I do appreciate how the Doc explain stuff and making all thing sounds legit.



I also finished watching Bad Genius (I started watching this last Eid lol) and The Age of Adaline (I almost forgot that I have watched half of this). Bad Genius was lengthy but the ending was good. The Age of Adaline should have more details on Ellis and Adeline love story plus it was something seeing Blake Lively and Harrison Ford in the same movie. 

I also watched two Korean movies - Old Boy (so traumatizing) and Lucid Dream (good storyline but the lucid dreaming part is just wrong and unrealistic). Oh ya, I watched Ponyo too! Ghibli Studios never fails me. I did a few night shifts so it was either watching Netflix or reading. But my "to be read" are so boring and I can't afford making myself sleepier so Netflix it is. Funnily, Netflix movie is only like one hour and a half but I still hope they have fast forward option cause I have limited attention span but I a people of culture. I need to be appropriately movie cultured.

Oh ya, I did a Twitter free February and decided that I love spitting nonsense on Twitter so I'm back at it.

Wow. There are so many things happened during February.

SO THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS FEBRUARY. 



So for March, we are taking it a step back by making 6 things only.

  1. We are reading fiction  - Norwegian Wood (my first Haruki Murakami's) and I'm still looking another fiction book. At first, I want to read The Nutcracker Men (a fiction book about World War One) and I am down three chapters when I decided that I'm not spending March with this fella. I want to be truly involved in a storyline which usually means some Young Adult's novel. Do suggest one for me!
  2. Improve my blog familiarity among bloggers - I have 496 followers now. I don't really care about it but it is something to be 4 followers ways to 500. So I'm focusing this month to learn about more bloggers and just add more blogs to my reading list. This usually means more blog walking and following and if you guys got Twitter, I'll be following that too. I still need some kind target so let's do this until I got 500 followers.
  3. Write one post about my cooking thingy and one post about how life has been being over 25 years old.
  4. Since I'm too lazy to go out and get that 10k steps - we will be doing zumba. I'm not putting any target except for trying to do it as much as possible
  5. Write an itinary to hatyai that includes krabi and to Singapore.
  6. To skip heavy dinner every other day - I need to take my diet seriously.

seokjin slim waist and broad shoulder = dorito is a good motivation


I took almost two hours writing this. OMG. 

I need dinner.



ps: If anyone got annoyed with the amount of BTS memes/gif, my goal has been achieved. If anyone is actually entertained by it, good, my goal has been achieved as well. I like to think I'm so cunning this way.


My Lippies Collection (why on earth i have this much for?)

from left to right as according to the following pictures as well as how I'll be numbering the review. yeah, the lippies colour doesn't really varies from one another.


This post was initially supposed to be my second part of that cooking thingy (which was supposed to be published in February but moving on). However, I don't have enough material since I don't cook much (it such a hassle since there are plenty of off days which means I go home which means if I buys groceries it will take such a long time to finish which means it will simply go bad and I still have some sweet potato in the fridge ffs)

So instead of that, I'll be writing about my lippies since it is amazing how I have all of these when I put on make-up about five times per month and I only tried so much to at least put a lippy for about once or twice per week.

I was actually just going to simply explain how the colour looks and that is just stupid. I'm doing a lippy review. I need to put pictures lah kan. So now I need to like put on a scarf and put on a lippy and snap a picture and then wipe it off (where is my makeup remover?) and repeat for all seven of it.






1. OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color (code 05 Rosewood) by Silkygirl

This is my favourite kinda nude coloured lipstick. I'm not sure why but nude colour never really works out for me. It either looked too red to be nude or just too pale or maybe because I have a slightly darker lips. But this one is just so nice with hint of rosy. Apparently, I just don't like too nude of a colour as it does looked too "pop out" with it pale-ish tint. But this colour looked so natural and most importantly, my lips doesn't looked sick.


2. Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion (code coral) by Sendayu Tinggi

I followed Yatie's Instagram cause I loved how she made Sendayu Tinggi looked so classy and I just have to try this one. I wanted to try how the cushion applicator feels which she made it looked so good and it is actually that good. I choose a slightly pinkish orangey colour cause I never buys this kind of colour and I like it. It wasn't drying my lips and so smooth too. It is somewhat  between a lip cream and a lip gloss. 


3. Mlbb Lip Tint (code 04 nude) by Silkygirl

I love this lip tint so much! First of all, it's a lip tint which means the application is simply this smooth gliding and it looks like I don't really put anything. But it have a bitter taste. It was so weird to lick your lip and taste this metallicish thing. The colour is so good so I'm still buying a new one when this runs out.




4. Matte Fever! Lipstick Balm (code 04 siren) by Silkygirl

I bought this years ago for my final year faculty dinner. I wanted a really good flaming red colour. It was a really pleasant memory actually. Buying this I mean. I was fooling around with my friend trying few raging red colours because I wanted a specific red hue which is this one. Not too orangey, just as red and a little bit dark. Every girl need one flaming red lipstick.


5. Lingerie Matte Lipgloss (code 11) by Kiss Beauty

I bought this last Eid, I guess? There is an Eid's bazaar held here and this cosmetic shop was selling their lippies for like RM1, or was it RM2? - the point is, it is really cheap. I know the quality will be bad and I'm not even sure if this is an original product (I've never heard of this brand too lol) but I thought for that cheap price, I can buy one  lip matte in nude colour and just see how it looks. I've never wore a nude lip cream (only swatch it on my hand and never found any that I like). I hate it. It looked so pale and feels so dry. I only use it as a cream eyeshadow instead. It gave a light pinkish colour which looks great as eyeshadow.


6. Matte Junkie Lip Cream (code 05 vixen) by Silkygirl

My cousin gave this to me. The lip cream texture is only a little bit dry and won't really bother much if you let your lips soften by applying lip balm beforehand. It doesn't have the lip gloss feels like the one by Sendayu Tinggi. The colour is beautiful but it wasn't the right shade of red that I like. I usually wore this to give an ombre look because lip cream works better to give that ombre look than a lipstick.


7. Aloe Vera 99 Lipstick by Peinfen

It a knock out fake version of Nature Republic. It was RM5? Anyway, my lips feels so dry and I was desperate (this is the closest shop near my house). I though the aloe vera will helps. It does not. It does feels like glossy and moisturing but it doesn't really help my lips. If you don't have any dry lips problem. this will give you that smooth glossy feels but if you do have dry lips, you can still feel that dryness. However, I didn't know it turns red when you apply it so yay. It's like lip balm with cool red colour instead of that faint pink that some lipbalm gaves out. I don't like lip gloss but this gave just the right hint of glossy and I usually swipe some of my cheek and it gave this glowing, like a really subtle highlighter, which looks so natural. Anyway, back to my desperate search for lip balm but ends up with this, since my lips were still annoyingly dry, I still put on decent clothes and went to the mall and get two lip balms (one for my handbag and one for my work bag).




why the heck he got such full lips?? was this post simply an excuse for me to put picture of his full lips?

That's it. These are some drugstore products only. I don't think I'll ever buy anything pricey cause

1. I don't wear makeup regularly and
2. I like it when water and good amount of scrubbing could easily wipe off the stain.

Reapplying it is a bit inconvenience but to be honest, I hardly reapply it pon.

Now that I think of it, I really just need three lippies - lip balm/lip tint in red (these lip balm/lip tint formula will give a more subtle look), some good natural nudish colour (my go to would be the OMG! Powder Matte Lip Color) and one lip cream with my that specific red tone that I like (something like Doll Lip Snow Lip Cushion but with code siren of Matte Junkie Lip Cream).

Out of all lippies out there, I think lipstick would be my favourite. Or probably a good lip cream. What about you?

Talking About Feelings and Being Free




I've been into multiple cars and motorcycles accidents - both with or without a second party and caused or not caused by me. The worst physical wound I got is some scratches that leave the faintest mark of scars but there are two occasions where the wrecked cars are condemned a "total lost".

The last car accident I've been, about three or four years ago, was caused by me and I went into this really depressing mode. This accident particularly hits me deep. Probably because the fact that I cause it and the car got totaled, probably because my friends were also in the car and I don't think I'll ever say sorry enough and it was also probably because walid wasn't there to take care of things. Or maybe it was cumulative of it. There are some things I remember so well and surprisingly, it wasn't the accident itself.

I remember I cried and I only did because I trusted that friend (she is a kind soul that way). I remember that she admits she was a bit clueless initially because she didn't expect me to cry. I never thought that I gave out that "no crying kind of person" vibes.




I remember feeling so depressed that one day I just hop into a bus, wander aimlessly, end up in a mosque and just sits there.

I remember my aunts were so shocked and went to visit at UKM and I remember that I gave out the most reassuring smiles and faintly, just so faintly, imagines, if mak was still alive, will I worries her this much too?

Then I remember when my housemates and I were going out, and one of them was asking for me to drive and she asked it with the most natural way that I didn't actually "totaled" a car a few weeks before. I drove that day and it feels so good.

Those moments holds some of the most important feelings I have ever experienced in my life and one most powerful emotion particularly is fear.

If there is one thing that I learned from all those accidents is that - fear is a really overpowering feeling and that I fear of having to relive those fear again. Yet at the same, knowing fear that close has also made me realize just how strong and capable I can be.

I know I can't ride a motorcycle as fast as I did before and I don't have any problem admitting that I was traumatized but I still ride. I still don't mind the long travel as well and even with the slight fear still pulsing in me when I ride, it's kind of okay. 

I got a bit nervous driving walid's Innova (since it's bigger) but each time, I just drive cause I know after a while I'll be comfortable like I have always been. That somehow, a bit of driving, will remind me that I know this. The shift of gears, to keeps your eyes for others, glance the back mirror every once in a while, etc etc.

I realized that I made myself not to drive over 120 km/hour (90 km/hour on a motorcycle) because it kinda triggers some anxiety in me and that feels quite okay too (except when cutting a car, duhh).

I also realized that I prefer to not be driving if I ride with other people because I think I'm just not good enough and that peoples just don't want me.

Almost amazingly, all of this anxiety or fear or traumatized or phobia or whatever peoples call it wasn't really about the accidents but more about fear. I was fearing the aftermath feeling - fear. I wasn't fearing about getting into another accident because I'll never be driving if that is what I fear. I feared the moments after it, the shock, the paramount rush of feelings that comes after, that no ones really understand what I'm feeling and can tell me what I need to hear and that is kinda lonely too. It was so overwhelming that I just can't get a hold of myself. I know the accident is over and I'm okay and everyone is okay but I just am deeply scared.




By time and thorough thinking, I guess, I got better. I feel better.

What those have really helped me throughout life is that it is hard to control what we feel and sometimes we just can't and it is okay. Peoples be saying choose happiness, choose to let go, etc etc but it has been a long and hard way for me to get there and I still got lost sometimes and those "good vibes poster advice" is really annoying. At times, feelings are so overwhelming that I forgot - I am somehow now, are controlled by this.

Feelings are the most addicting things but we never ever choose it and it always sucks us in without us realizing that we are being drowned.

But out of all feelings out there, fear is the most interesting one for me. It's good to find happiness in the most trivial way or to feel sad when your loved ones are dead. But fear is much more interesting. Everyone feels happy when eating their favorite food and everyone feels sad if their loved ones are dead but does everyone have a fear for, I don't know, let's say, driving? Does everyone that got into accident grow fears for driving? Fear is the most crippling things that we let it be.

There is this person, she is some sort of an authoritative figure, and my friends and I always feel like "die lah weyh if need to work with her". You see, what fears thought me is to imagine the worst possible things that might happen and what I need to do. That helps me to justify things are just not much of anything to start feeling fear in the first place. It calms me and helps me to think clearer. However, somehow, we always ended up doing stupid mistakes around her. It stops being scary and started to become a fact that I just have to live with. That is me conquering fear.

"I know I'll do some kind of mistakes somehow and at this point, I don't care anymore, I just need to take note what the mistakes are and just hopes not to repeat it again"


Image result for it's okay gif


There are a lot of other things that I fear and some of it is just so exhausting. The second most common theme of fear that I, and probably most peoples in the world, is people expectations. 

There are a few things I've learned from this kind of fear, which is sort of funny. It is that (1) whatever people expect from you is really their own problem because life still goes on (2) even if you  know that it is disappointing of you not to achieve "average expectations" - no one actually made it a lifetime thingy to be bothered when we are somehow being scarred for quite some time and the most important lesson is that (3) some people don't actually expect anything and we are the ones who constantly being worried that "what if people say so and so"


Image result for dont give a fuck gif


But people's expectations always gets to me. Even today.

You guys probably are weirded out by how deep I feel with this topic of fear. I find it interesting to think it through and this helps me to say "it is okay" more truthfully. I think saying "it's okay" is way more important than saying "everything will be alright". Peoples be feeling like shit and someone just say it will be alright? When?

All those moments I formulated the possible outcomes, I always end up saying, it's okay if this or this happens. It just what life is. I'd probably feel shitty for a while but it's okay. Even if there are people's expectation and I did fail them, "it's okay". Nothing good comes from over worrying it and fearing the next possible awful thing to happen.

I don't know why I wrote this. It lacks an actual purpose and I don't even know how to wrap everything but you know what, it's okay.