Roll On: It Has Been 8 Months *rambling*

May 21, 2018

I don't feel so good.

This gonna be me rambling stuff.

I always have this thought that I didn't feel genuinely happy for quite some time. I can't even recall the last time I feel happy. Yesterday, on my way back to the hospital (as I was spending the weekend at home) I recall that during the weekend, I didn't feel anxious about work. Hence, the time spent at home doing simple things like watching some movies, talk to my sisters, got the chance to meet my cousins, cooks, went to "bazaar Ramadhan" with my dad - feels kinda good. I'm not really sure about the actual science that leads me to be able to forgo the anxiety, but it did, and yes it feels good.

But as soon as I reached the hospital, to my mopey room, and the truth starts to sink in that I need to work and I just suck at it and I have lots of things to do but just don't feel like doing it at all and that somehow everyone judges me so talk in slow voice, avoid eye contact, watch every word that comes out from your mouth, avoid peoples - it just so fucking tiring.


I even feel tired that I always write the same thing out. I feel like I was being such a brat - moping all the fucking time.

I even feel tired to be literally glued to my phone. It is such good escape from actual reality so excuse me. I am so tired browsing BTS like a typical fangirl because they make me feel good and makes a really good escape too.

What's worse is that I think I might feel better if I finished my PRP requirements but that's the problem - I just don't feel like doing it.

That is all to it for today.