Roll On : Do you have friend?

i am a Stormer (read it as Bastille-fan-too-much)

and here i am,

i love to start out random. it just felt fun to do.


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have you ever miss some one so much and it hurts a bit too much cause you know you are not going to see them again. such disappointment. the helpless feeling. it's bearable. but .

i am SO not good with people. i learn to do things by myself. it's kind of Encik Addnan children guide 101. i usually have my own stuff so usually i didn't really need to ask others. that is also because i have been thought to think further ahead. feeling like running a fever thus going to the clinic and get me some med. by myself. always skeptic to other. but i like to help others.

is it bad not too have someone i can rely on heavily? i don't have that person to suddenly do stuff because you are my best (?) friend so we should be doing everything together. even though it troubles them. i hate to trouble others for my very own benefit. though an ideal best (?) friend was not suppose to feel troubled.

i do don't care much when helping others. cause really, i do it cause Allah sees it and i couldn't bear the thought if my friend is in trouble yet i can of a help. na-ah. i bukan nak pewasan (a housemate of mine can't pronounce R , it sounded like W, having fun teasing her that it ended up i am using it all-the-time).

i'm not saying i'm a good person, i really am far beyond that.

i even "choose" to help. if you were taking advantage of me or if i see you are doing well even without my help, i am not helping you. and i USUALLY know if a person is using me.

-yeah, kind of pissed.

do we need such friend?

it felt good though.

i have two other sisters about the same age of me. and this folks are the best. i can run them done and still ask some more help. they will be there. always have. i thought, maybe i felt contented with them.

at junior school, our day school (normal math and science class), we went with our mom. my mom is a teacher. it's a bit far from our house. so basically, my friend at school was not staying near to our house.

we do went to evening school (religious based school) which is close to our house. yet most of our friend at school living at other housing area. long story short, i don't have much school friend near my home and living separate day and evening school kind of draws me back.

it's a big thing if you don't share that day school story at evening school and have friend near to play in the weekend. it create this gap. but i still playing with neighbours' kid. they were all gone now really. most were children of marines which means they move around.

at high school, i started to built this friend. but it was not much. i think it is because we have matured a little. catching a glimpse of what a friend really does mean. but we don't go and play like kids at this age of course. and walid is strict that we don't do hang out thing. back in the day, all the females students usually were that conservative. we don't go and hang out. just there. in the house.

by matriculation, the first time ever i have been away from house i learned that people have this friend to count on and it is really okay. you don't have your family now. it is these friend. i learned that thos staying a boarding school previously have understand this better and earlier. and now i am starting to learn it.

and i made myself some friend back then. such good and ideal friend whereby i do everything with them. it was a genuinely happy feeling.

it was awesome. it was bliss. it was happy.

WAS.

the next thing i learn about people is that, then can stabbed your back. cold heartedly. with no regret.

and with that my fellow reader, i learn about trust issue.

at matriculation, on making this good friend, i learn to give my heart all out. it's okay and the right thing to do. yet it crushed on me so hard.

pursuing degree, meeting more people, i learn that there is no perfect person that suit you. that wouldn't be stabbing hurting and stuff.  at matriculation, when i give my heart out, i accept them for eveything. now, i can't seem to accept them if they were hurting me.

i choose to reject them.

reading "Looking for Alaska" I realized i was wrong. so i accept others back and make peace with myself. i learn the beauty o friendship lies in the gives and takes relationship and most of all to accept and be at best to make the most out of it. if the trait really a self destruct trait. a friend would try to mend it. or else accept it for it is them. accept it sincerely. but i still do keeping part of of myself to me. well, maybe quite a large part.

i made a balance. a live with and without good friend. maybe it's because we are selfish that we want others for ourselves. yet we empathized that we also give ourselves to them. i cant help shakes this feeling. this reasoning. i mean, do perfect and ideal friend exist?

it really does exist.

walid shows us it does.

when his friend's mom dying and he was travelling the country yet hop on right back to continue miles away journey just to be by his friend.

when his friend come right back at first eid to be with walid when we were at lost.

or that stupid time when walid lost his car keys that his friend travel back (across country) to give the duplicate.

and that time his friend when literally crazy and it was dead challenging yet walid was still by his side, until now.

these friend. were gems. diamonds. golds.

i can continue on living with these current good friend of mine, the ones i learn to accept their flaws, and still enjoying my life. will they go the length for me? i don't know. honestly i don't. i don't even know if i'll reach them for help or will i be quiet as i have always do. i don't know. there is nothing to expect.

i do know that i myself is not the best of person. i might not even be worth it for all the reason. i don't do this awesome friend thing. i might not even be able to be this friend.

but, how does it feel to have this friend?

i want to have that feeling.

gimme this guys and it would be enough. haha. sorry to ruin the moment.












Roll On : Be driven. At all time.

Have you ever felt so-not-motivated to do anything?

I always love the urge to do something. To feel excited. I love the satisfied feeling I got when I finished studied something but somehow I could not get such feeling on study week. I thought it may be because of the stressed and all. The pressure to do well. The thought that I will be dealing with lives and that my exam result kind of reflecting my future patients life's.

Urghh.

BUT. I love study. I really weirdly do. I love to venture new thing and understand it. It's an amazing feeling. Just that I'm not a fan of exam. Though I understand the paramount needs for it. It's a love-hate relationship. It's complicated.

This lack of motivation. It can be of anything. Not only studying. Maybe at working or relationship. I am in so much denial to go for the "adulthood" when I will graduated.Either way, my issues is that, whhat is i can't get motivaated and driven at work? Part of it maybe because of the repating cycle of work life as well as the thought of work is to get you money. I hated that. I want my work life to also be a part of my life. I kept on thinking that I don't want to be different at work and not working. I want all of that to reflect me.

I can see some well example of this lack of a person "life" on working. They are happy. But I don't seem to comprehend how work is separated as a money generator for the other side of their life. It's like I need to be this for a thir of my life so that I could be living "my own the other two third of life" Although most of them seems contented and happy, I don't feel such liking to  that kind of two-life.

I don't want the one third of my future life to be an alien on the other two third of my life. I want to be that me at work and off work. That this is all me. Not some one who is living a separate life. Like now when we were studying. This is the friend I am at study and at fun. Yet this is also me reflected in my work or at hanging out. At sharing knowledge or at babbling nonsense.

No, i don't mean to be a workaholic. Me doing work is off outside working hours. I just want that feel of I have done something worth the entire of my life. That i am not wasting any. I don't want to be stucked at something that could not excite me. I don't want to be a workaholic or something. I just wanted to be happy and driven to do anything that I want to.

DRIVEN.

One way of it is to do is tabligh (to deliver). As is to share kindness and word of advise. I do believe if you make your work as a way to improves other people deens', it would work at all times, at work or not. You could be driven to improve yourself so that you can do tabligh better.

The fun trick is that, you were doing Allah utmost order. That everything you want to do or somehow made to do, will eventually work out.

be content.





Roll on : about hating people.

I really doubted myself a lot when I hate someone. Usually I would wonder if it is really the wrong doing of that person or simply because I have initially build this hate to them.

The main reason I have this doubt because I don't do hating people. It feel quite absurd really. But I always get annoyed with people.

It is two very different thing. Yet i am pretty sure that my annoys is in the generally understanding of all as hate.

Anyway.

Back to the issue of self-doubt. I know why I don't like people. It is usually a thing they keep on repeating doing without caring how people feel or simply don't understand that people do feel offended. The doubt arise because I thought that maybe it was my ego. Do i feel i am better than them?

I got big ego issue. I might hurt people and people might tought i don't care about their feeling. The truth is I usually can put myself in others place. It is something about caring too much about the simplest stuff. However, still, i hurt and i do it purposely.

Does my ego come into my head at judging people? Does everything that make me annoy/hate to other make every simple not-right thing they do seem so wrong? Or does that it is their essence and then because i hate this essence that everything they do not seem so right on my eye? Can we hate a people simply because it is them?

I really do tired of people that annoys me. Either I give them the cold shoulder or simply said something sarcastically hurtful. Either way, i am doing way better without them even talking to me.


But either way, people sucks. Not all. But once in a while, even the best of people will do. Even me. Because not everyone can come into the same sense as you. So do you.

But i hated it since i usually tried to find the best of them and understand them so that i dont hate them so much.


It usually don't work.


Guess back to become ego then.