Living Late Twenties - I'm Home

Aug 13, 2022

My old mouse was being funny and then it suffer a bad fall so I was like "yay, new mouse shopping". I got it at MrDiy. It was a really nice mouse. Just the right size, comfortable to use and they did like this soft click. It was a random pretty mouse and then I thought that "Hey, maybe MrDiy got good mouses so I can just buy randomly there again for the new one"


I bought it. It didn't have that soft click. The click was rougher and generally annoying af. T________________T


I'm back home Perak! It's been almost two weeks now. I'm working from home at the moment as the outlet here hasn't opened yet. It got postponed due to a stock problem. So now I'm "simply" on my laptop responding to Whatsapp queries and trying my best not to be annoyed when people randomly request questionable medicines.






I finally got to meet my friends back in Sabak yesterday. We had sushi, watch a movie and also went to karaoke. It's good to meet them after months. I need to meet my other friend from the hospital. I'm missing my friend back in Kuantan though. They're just so much fun to be with. Hopefully, we can plan another trip together soon.


I'm having mixed feelings about coming to live back home after almost 5 years of not doing so but mostly, I'm just grateful that I'm now living with my siblings. I'm not living alone and that's kinda refreshing. My friend did ask me if I'm going to live out of the house. It's actually quite interesting that my friend thinks of such too as my sister also was asking if I'm going to buy a house here. 


I do feel like I can consider buying a house but then I'm not entirely sure about living here forever. I was just thinking of going back home to be with my siblings. Probably for one or two years. It's kinda daunting to be thinking as such because my current work does feel like somewhere I could be for at least three years. 


I miss Kuantan. It has a really good vibe for me to live a life there but then it's just too far away. Probably Ipoh would be a better choice. I feel like I can ask for a transfer there when the company has a store opened there. That's kinda a good idea to hang on to right?


I think I'm done with Tinder. All those that I got to know while in Kuantan will be just a memory now. Nobody really addresses how tiring those short-lived connections are. Not to mention that I have always felt sufficient to be with the same crowd that I know I can trust and be comfortable with so opening up like that feels even more draining. It is still kinda scary to feel like I might simply shut off ways for me to get to know new people but then I have my sister currently laughing for whatever reason while crowding on my feet and I can hear my brother playing gleefully with his toys while taking a bath so I guess I'm good for now.




This also means I can continue my journey to watch as many horror movies as I can. We finished Sandman the other day. I thought it was a horror but turns out it was supernatural-ish but it was still so good so we were bummed that there's no news of a second season.


Last but not least I've changed my template! It was loading so slowly before and the old template has been used for quite some time. I didn't actually expect changing to a new template can actually help it loads faster but it did so yay!



Tinder, Work and Anxiety - A Month In Writing

Jun 28, 2022

It's 10.22pm, 4/6/2022. I've been craving to write but I can't seem to find enough energy to simply sit with myself and focus. So, although I decided to sleep five minutes ago, I changed my mind and write this on my phone. We'll see how many days it will need to finish.

First, Tinder. I told here before that I wanted to try dating. But oh my god I can't do this online chatting at all. Plus, I would need people to put heights because HEIGHTS MATTER. I'm sorry that I am biologically indoctrinated to not be attracted to men that are short. You can reject me for not having fair skin and not being skinny, I am totally okay with that.

Long story short, there's no one interesting enough save for this one guy. This guy actually makes me realize that I really do have a type. I thought it was just a simple preference, but no, this is a lifestyle choice indeed. It's fun and kind of eye-opening that now I am able to realize this part of me. Who would have thought some random guy so far away from where I am from that I met randomly on Tinder got me to understand myself more and even give me the chance to feel more feelings. 

He ghosted me though. I think? We do have this notion that I am not seeking anything serious and that I am not staying here for long. I hope he wasn't an asshole or something because that would be a bummer. But still, thanks for the experience.

I wonder if I can meet this kind of guy again. I don't think I'm doing Tinder anymore. I got bored too easily and I think the very fact that we actually meet right away is why I don't feel like simply bailing him. 









Oh my god, is this my karma because I ghosted people on Tinder? But everyone ghosted everyone on Tinder though.

Anyway. There's that. We're back to all man is boring and a drab and I'll die alone with my own money living in some ✨fancy✨ old folks home. 

I wanted this Tinder story to sound more romantic than this. I think I'll write two or three more poems and calls it a closure.

(fast forward to 21.6.2022)

He still ghosted me.

Anyway, we went for that sleeper train trip! Since we went back the next day, we spent the time exploring Kelantan. It was a short trip but we got to do so many things and if anyone asks, the sea at Terengganu is bluer and prettier than the ones at Kelantan 🌊🌊🌊

It was my friends here that did the itinerary and we got to eat so much good food. That is truly the biggest highlight since we were all so bored with the daily Foodpanda orders for lunch.

Back to the matter at hand - work.

I finished the assessments with the outlet's manager earlier this month and now am waiting for the oral assessment with the HR people. This is presumably the hardest part and I only texted HR today to ask when will it be done since there's no news up whatsoever for three weeks already 🥲🥲🥲

I like lah writing on my phone, I can put emojis here.

I am doing so much better at work now. I no longer feel so depressingly gloomy as I used to when going to work plus the timetable is so much more sensible now since there are new staffs now. I can actually sing on my way to work and that speaks volumes.

Getting confirmation faster would be a whole lot better of course. 

I still needed to learn more. But having this better headspace helps a lot in learning more efficiently. I'm trying to be more proactive but still am able to make more sales. It's a tricky balancing technique for me but I think this will help me to gain more knowledge, experience and quick thinking too. 

Having said this, my anxiety is considerably much better now. It is almost a freedom. I also try to dress better of my own accord as those help me feel more confident = less anxious. I do need to declutter my vanity table as those are really getting on my nerve now but I just don't have the time since I either want to sleep the tiredness away or there's a new cafe to go to.

We went to lots of cool and beautiful cafes around Kuantan. Since we went during weekdays, there isn't much crowd which makes the experience even more better. The food is so damn good too. I have the smoothest latte and I even tries to drink matcha. 

I might make some peoples mad but matcha really be another fancy way of drinking milk. I think I like the umami one's better.

(28/6/2022)

I've been having bouts of simply not wanting to do anything. I don't really feel stressed out or any of the usual anxiousness - I just don't feel like doing anything. It is most probably a burnout and it lasts for a few days sometimes. No matter what it is, I think it is most probably some hormonal thing, what I know for sure is that it is a vicious thing to be in since it means I'll close fewer sales and end up bummed up seeing my poor performance when the day ended. This month particularly was rather bad since I need to cater two outlets and were doing more non-sales kind of job. But I'm loving the more experience I've been getting doing these odd jobs.

I met another Tinder guy the other day. It was a short meet-up since he was randomly in town and I had just finished my shift. I didn't use Tinder anymore, he was just some guy that I give my number to because I don't want to open Tinder anymore. He was those "open-minded" kind of guy. People really be abusing the word open-minded but we had an interesting conversation, especially the part about me disagreeing with things and that he constantly thinks I need to change my opinions on things. It was weird. He constantly thinks as if I can't think for myself and that he has the better look at things. I was having fun simply contradicting him but not enough to keep me wanting to continue the talk.









I am rewatching Criminal Minds and I forgot how hot Hotchner can be. I keep everything on hold until I feel bored again watching Criminal Minds. I think I might stop until at least Gideon is out. I do however finishes Mugen Train Arc. I might continue Entertainment District Arc first after my Criminal Minds fever finishes

Today is my day off. I want to read a fiction book but I feel like Murakami's one would be suited me better but it's hard to find one. I was thinking to go to a bookstore and if I can't find any then I will simply buy online. To my surprise, there isn't any fancy bookstore here in Kuantan and there's only Popular and it is in one of the less famous malls which means I am literally going into that mall for Popular.

But we're going to the beach though so that's fun.







Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Apr 23, 2022


I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.


Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.


I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.





insecurities


  1. The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
  2. My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
  3. Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
  4. I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
  5. All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
  6. Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.


p/s - texting in whatsapp's work group at 12am is not okay.



fears

  1. I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
  2. Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
  3. I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
  4. I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
  5. That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples


wants

  1. I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
  2. I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
  3. I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
  4. I WANT MORE MORNING SHIFTS FFS.
  5. I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
  6. I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.


Selamat Berpuasa (I know I'm late) and Selamat Hari Raya (I know I'm early)

I need to spend some hours just to tweak my laptop back. I did some personalization on it as to make it more "aesthetically pleasing" but the system I used kinda annoying and I've been meaning to try new stuff but this has been going for months already but each time I'm at my laptop it was for work or like I'm watching something for the sake of my mental health.


I've just watched Eternals the other day, the plot was amazing but the storytelling part (I don't know what the exact term should be) could've been better. I am kinda done with MCU, mostly because there's a lot of them and I can't be bothered to keep up. Like I've only watched No Way Home because my siblings wanted to and we did like the whole gang going to the cinema and all. Not gonna lie, I love the surprise plot so so much.


I love Eternals though. I think my brain is simply wired to love anything with Angelina Jolie in it. She's so prettyyyyy. I'm not a k-drama girl and watched only a handful of Korean movies plus some sneak when my sister was watching it but I know who Ma Dong Seok is and I adore him. So I was looking forward to seeing him in this too. It was great. I love it. But the end though T_________________T








Ok, that's it, now let's get into the real reason why I'm writing today. I kinda have to write those first because I need to feel that I have other things in my life instead of just my new work that has been positively stressing the hell out of me. But in a good way. 


But stress is always stressing though.


I've written before that I was doing my three-month notice and today marked my third week of training at my new place. It's a one-month training plus six months probation kind of deal and god I am not doing well.


I was so stressed out for the fact that I'm now in Kuantan, a total of six hours away from my home, needing to adjust to a new working environment which is like a mix of 360-degree changes from my previous work plus a whole other kind of expectations that I didn't expect, somehow having one of the colleagues awfully reminds me of this one colleague at the hospital I work before that I simply hate and now I feel like I need to re-boot that It Has Been series.


The worst thing is I am alone here. Don't give me that "sapa suruh pi keje sana?" because the deal was that after I finish my probation, I'm going to work at their new branch at Perak, which conveniently hasn't opened yet. I am trying my most damn to hold onto that silver lining, that I can finally work in Perak, but there's no outlet opening in Perak now so it's kinda hard to keep a "positive mindset" at the moment (insert that skull emoji right here).


This opportunity is by far the most challenging I have been and from what I've been talking with my friends, it might be the most challenging there is in our sector. We've always known this though but when you're in the system, it's a whole different kind of thing and everything simply makes sense. Simply think of it as the Family Mart of the 24-hours convenience stores or like the Pavilion of shopping malls. Their system is really what made it possible and from what we've been talking with my friends, it is indeed currently the only one who brings up to this par and they also pioneering with amazing health services. It was indeed a celebration of our professionalism too.


However, did I tell you that for my probation, they stationed me in one of their most performing outlets? So it's like adapting to a new way of working altogether plus in the most hectic outlet as well. Welcome to my life.






It is a stressful expectation with a lot of tiring effort, and a combination of both is never a good thing in my life, talking from past experiences too. Am I exaggerating? Well most probably, since I've only been in the shop for a few days, it's not enough time to be making conclusions. Yet, I know that I need to acknowledge this. That understanding this helps me to set the right mindset versus per what "performing peoples" be saying is that I need to power through.


I hate that mindset, it feels wrong that you need to summon extra power to go through something on a daily.


I might be making too many early judgments or I might be wise enough to actually be making good early judgements (lol) but here's for today. An absolute newbie and this newbie is taking this hard. 


Yet also this newbie realizes that this is the next step that I need to go onto while still being young. That this is a big and quite a rare opportunity that enables me to absorb more relevant and structured knowledge and experiences. That I will absolutely love the outcome of my own self-progress if I succeeded in the probation. That I needed this challenge in order to become better in the way that I want and the space to be able to channel my growth. For all of these, I'm simply at THE place to be. So this is going to be my mindset.


But I'm going to need some minor practical shifts and reminders to do on the daily too. Like how to cope with that one colleague, or when the stresses are building up, what can I do? Especially since simply going back home isn't the best choice now. Good time management too so that I can succeed in all the expectations they set for me and not be a living burnt-out body.


The most important thing is the need to keep a fresh mindset every day instead of being daunted by the previous one so that I can work my best to improve myself. This is key. The key.


Oh ya, I need to buy a new MediFeet shoe if I'm going to be standing all day.





BMPIL Writing Challenge - What's In My Bag and In My Car

Jan 27, 2022

 

There is about one week left of my resignation notice and now I'm back into the tiresome hassle of finding a new place. Also, I need to change my brake pad and go to my Dr. Ko monthly check-up which I have put away for weeks now. I really, really, don't feel like doing anything these days especially since I usually spend the weekend at home and the rush to work on Monday and then simply wither away due to the fact that I haven't been eating on time and I'm only either at work, sleeping or on my phone. I even uninstall Instagram just to maybe, kinda, cut off my screen time a bit. 


Anyway, I went for a walk this morning and did some cleaning around the house. That feels productive even tho I really do have to go to Dr. Ko as soon as possible but we're going to push that aside (again) and write a little cause I feel that this good feeling will go to waste if I don't write.






What's in my bag?


I have four bags that I rotated the usage with varying sizes but in general, there are on the small side. I usually change it every few weeks or so. All of them are black save for one which is in beige color only because it is a farewell gift from my previous work. They wanted to see me in other than black #lol.


I only buy black because it goes with everything especially since I will carry that one handbag everywhere. I opted for small bags because I hate how messy it gets when I simply chuck in everything when I use a bigger one. Actually, one of the bags is bigger and I tried my best to steer away from it. In a matter of fact, I just changed the bigger handbag yesterday to a small one because it gets messy and it annoys me. I'm planning to just ruin that big handbag which excuses me to buy a new one but then I hate if I don't have the option of a bigger handbag when I needed it. 


It's mostly useful to put my telekung if we went to a mall or something since there's no free telekung available due to Covid-19.


Since it is small, there's nothing much in it saves for the essentials - purse, lip balm, hand cream, mask extension, and my keys.


Other important things like masks and hand sanitizer are stashed in my car. I never carry tissues. Sometimes, there's random medicine in it. Usually Accutane, painkillers or something for my allergies. 


If I use the bigger ones, there will be a lot of random stuff. It is still in there because I was too lazy to empty it yesterday. 


That's it for today. No handbag picture though because I'm too lazy.