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Jan 1, 2020

musing 2019

We went to Teluk Intan hoping there will be some fancy countdown-to-2020-fireworks but there was nothing. We spent the holiday trying out food around Sekinchan, went crazy at Watsons, play some bubbles at Pantai Redang and just having a good time. Amidst the fireworks being a no show, New Year has kick-off well. Well enough that I feel that I can do this now.

2019 was supposed to be "the" year. It was supposed to be my life-changing year after my PRP-ship.  You see, I have never believed how a year is like "hard" or how New Year means it is a time to be "making resolutions" because time is a construct. Everything just happens. Either at your will or the other way around. Or never. But god, 2019 was a rough one. 

Wow, I have never thought that I'll have this kind of opinion.




I am not recapping 2019's resolutions or what I have done in 2019. It wasn't because I'm ashamed of it. I aced some and failed some and just neglected another lot. I just don't feel like it. It feels useless. Everything was done already. 

For the past week, I have been musing to write how 2019 has been. I've gone through my gallery to see all the pictures and I even check the year's timeline at Google Maps. I've gone through Twitter to look for this one picture this evening and accidentally saw that a lot more has happened afterward. What happen is that it feels okay to keep it to myself. No best nine for me.

What I want to tell about 2019 instead is how I have been. I want to tell how I was going all over with my writing. How I've been trying to connect more with my friends. How I try to be more open up and just accept myself for who I am. How music, books, and movies have been my most beautiful escapes. How I made myself tries out more new stuff. How I have been feeling like a total loser but now I'm not. How I am fearing the kind of person I might turn out. How amazing it was to be a skincare enthusiast. How much I can love or I can't love. How scary it feels knowing my future isn't yet set but at the same time excited for a new adventure. How I hate myself for some stuff and how I love myself trying hard to not succumb to it. How simple life can be if only you choose it to be.

I was really getting to know Afifah better. 

But it will be a long and unnecessary story to tell. It is unnecessary because deep down I know that I've got all that resolved already. No cliffhangers. One thing for sure is that I lived in 2019 by the day and hold no loose ends. Except for my car loan.

I am not doing resolutions again. 2019 will be my first and my last. 

But I can still read through my tag "2019" to review how 2019 has gone by. Maybe I can learn some from it.

Maybe one day.

For now, I need to think about which baju batik I need to wear tomorrow.




p/s - I took one hour to write this




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