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Jun 27, 2020

Short Rant on Insecurities


I want to explain how debilitating insecurities have bothered me and it gets awfully strong especially when I'm having my period. I thought that by understanding the fact that I am simply overthinking things because of my menses/hormonal imbalance will help me feel better. While it is true that my menses worsen my mental state, it seems like the last time I had my menses, I felt quite well. Though it is mostly due to the fact that I got a week-long holiday which means I can easily distract myself. 





Still, what's amazing is that, now, I have found a new topic to overthink and I overthink it so badly while it also merges with the usual insecurities. Hence why I feel I need to write it down. I wasn't even having my menses but god it was such a horrible week and this happens during Ramadhan which means it might be because of hunger, tiredness, and the general hopelessness with Covid-19 and MCO. I even started to rant stupid stuff to my friend. It was amazing how I just manage to merge everything. But as I'm starting to have my menses this week, I realized how the new topic bothers me back again and I'm like "what the fuck, is this going to be a norm now? I DON'T NEED THIS"

On one fine day, I'm going to properly write this one particular topic and just be done with it.

Anyway, I think I am so ready to just bail everything and start new. I'm not running away but the way I live right now was just temporary stuff that has been too comfortable and now I need to start new with a stronger ground. I want to work in a different setting, preferably something that gives me new challenges every day, in a new city, and generally re-invent myself. 

Not to mention that now I found myself becoming more negative day by day. I just don't feel like talking much with others and always succumb to rant about negative things. I can't get myself to be over of other people's flaws like I used too and be humble. I found myself talking more about membawang with my friend and it caught me so off guard how we used to talk about more stupid stuff that didn't concern anyone and it always turns us into a fit of laughter. Since when did I became so critical?

Ok, now I gotta be productive and just start on feeling better at accomplishing tasks starting with washing my car, surveying the cost of car polish and paintwork, do my hair routine, and restock my drinking water like omg kenapa air minum pon aku takdak niii. 

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