Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Apr 23, 2022

I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.

Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.

I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.

insecurities

1. The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
2. My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
3. Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
4. I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
5. All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
6. Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.

p/s - texting in whatsapp's work group at 12am is not okay.

fears

1. I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
2. Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
3. I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
4. I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
5. That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples

wants

1. I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
2. I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
3. I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
4. I WANT MORE MORNING SHIFTS FFS.
5. I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
6. I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.

Selamat Berpuasa (I know I'm late) and Selamat Hari Raya (I know I'm early)

Living Late Twenties - New Job, New Atmosphere and Far From Home

Living Late Twenties - New Job, New Atmosphere and Far From Home

Feb 28, 2022

I need to spend some hours just to tweak my laptop back. I did some personalization on it as to make it more "aesthetically pleasing" but the system I used kinda annoying and I've been meaning to try new stuff but this has been going for months already but each time I'm at my laptop it was for work or like I'm watching something for the sake of my mental health.

I've just watched Eternals the other day, the plot was amazing but the storytelling part (I don't know what the exact term should be) could've been better. I am kinda done with MCU, mostly because there's a lot of them and I can't be bothered to keep up. Like I've only watched No Way Home because my siblings wanted to and we did like the whole gang going to the cinema and all. Not gonna lie, I love the surprise plot so so much.

I love Eternals though. I think my brain is simply wired to love anything with Angelina Jolie in it. She's so prettyyyyy. I'm not a k-drama girl and watched only a handful of Korean movies plus some sneak when my sister was watching it but I know who Ma Dong Seok is and I adore him. So I was looking forward to seeing him in this too. It was great. I love it. But the end though T_________________T

Ok, that's it, now let's get into the real reason why I'm writing today. I kinda have to write those first because I need to feel that I have other things in my life instead of just my new work that has been positively stressing the hell out of me. But in a good way. 

But stress is always stressing though.

I've written before that I was doing my three-month notice and today marked my third week of training at my new place. It's a one-month training plus six months probation kind of deal and god I am not doing well.

I was so stressed out for the fact that I'm now in Kuantan, a total of six hours away from my home, needing to adjust to a new working environment which is like a mix of 360-degree changes from my previous work plus a whole other kind of expectations that I didn't expect, somehow having one of the colleagues awfully reminds me of this one colleague at the hospital I work before that I simply hate and now I feel like I need to re-boot that It Has Been series.

The worst thing is I am alone here. Don't give me that "sapa suruh pi keje sana?" because the deal was that after I finish my probation, I'm going to work at their new branch at Perak, which conveniently hasn't opened yet. I am trying my most damn to hold onto that silver lining, that I can finally work in Perak, but there's no outlet opening in Perak now so it's kinda hard to keep a "positive mindset" at the moment (insert that skull emoji right here).

This opportunity is by far the most challenging I have been and from what I've been talking with my friends, it might be the most challenging there is in our sector. We've always known this though but when you're in the system, it's a whole different kind of thing and everything simply makes sense. Simply think of it as the Family Mart of the 24-hours convenience stores or like the Pavilion of shopping malls. Their system is really what made it possible and from what we've been talking with my friends, it is indeed currently the only one who brings up to this par and they also pioneering with amazing health services. It was indeed a celebration of our professionalism too.

However, did I tell you that for my probation, they stationed me in one of their most performing outlets? So it's like adapting to a new way of working altogether plus in the most hectic outlet as well. Welcome to my life.

It is a stressful expectation with a lot of tiring effort, and a combination of both is never a good thing in my life, talking from past experiences too. Am I exaggerating? Well most probably, since I've only been in the shop for a few days, it's not enough time to be making conclusions. Yet, I know that I need to acknowledge this. That understanding this helps me to set the right mindset versus per what "performing peoples" be saying is that I need to power through.

I hate that mindset, it feels wrong that you need to summon extra power to go through something on a daily.

I might be making too many early judgments or I might be wise enough to actually be making good early judgements (lol) but here's for today. An absolute newbie and this newbie is taking this hard. 

Yet also this newbie realizes that this is the next step that I need to go onto while still being young. That this is a big and quite a rare opportunity that enables me to absorb more relevant and structured knowledge and experiences. That I will absolutely love the outcome of my own self-progress if I succeeded in the probation. That I needed this challenge in order to become better in the way that I want and the space to be able to channel my growth. For all of these, I'm simply at THE place to be. So this is going to be my mindset.

But I'm going to need some minor practical shifts and reminders to do on the daily too. Like how to cope with that one colleague, or when the stresses are building up, what can I do? Especially since simply going back home isn't the best choice now. Good time management too so that I can succeed in all the expectations they set for me and not be a living burnt-out body.

The most important thing is the need to keep a fresh mindset every day instead of being daunted by the previous one so that I can work my best to improve myself. This is key. The key.

Oh ya, I need to buy a new MediFeet shoe if I'm going to be standing all day.

BMPIL Writing Challenge - What's In My Bag and In My Car

BMPIL Writing Challenge - What's In My Bag and In My Car

Jan 27, 2022

 

There is about one week left of my resignation notice and now I'm back into the tiresome hassle of finding a new place. Also, I need to change my brake pad and go to my Dr. Ko monthly check-up which I have put away for weeks now. I really, really, don't feel like doing anything these days especially since I usually spend the weekend at home and the rush to work on Monday and then simply wither away due to the fact that I haven't been eating on time and I'm only either at work, sleeping or on my phone. I even uninstall Instagram just to maybe, kinda, cut off my screen time a bit. 

Anyway, I went for a walk this morning and did some cleaning around the house. That feels productive even tho I really do have to go to Dr. Ko as soon as possible but we're going to push that aside (again) and write a little cause I feel that this good feeling will go to waste if I don't write.

What's in my bag?

I have four bags that I rotated the usage with varying sizes but in general, there are on the small side. I usually change it every few weeks or so. All of them are black save for one which is in beige color only because it is a farewell gift from my previous work. They wanted to see me in other than black #lol.

I only buy black because it goes with everything especially since I will carry that one handbag everywhere. I opted for small bags because I hate how messy it gets when I simply chuck in everything when I use a bigger one. Actually, one of the bags is bigger and I tried my best to steer away from it. In a matter of fact, I just changed the bigger handbag yesterday to a small one because it gets messy and it annoys me. I'm planning to just ruin that big handbag which excuses me to buy a new one but then I hate if I don't have the option of a bigger handbag when I needed it. 

It's mostly useful to put my telekung if we went to a mall or something since there's no free telekung available due to Covid-19.

Since it is small, there's nothing much in it saves for the essentials - purse, lip balm, hand cream, mask extension, and my keys.

Other important things like masks and hand sanitizer are stashed in my car. I never carry tissues. Sometimes, there's random medicine in it. Usually Accutane, painkillers or something for my allergies. 

If I use the bigger ones, there will be a lot of random stuff. It is still in there because I was too lazy to empty it yesterday. 

That's it for today. No handbag picture though because I'm too lazy.

Living Late Twenties - Life of a single working person living alone

Living Late Twenties - Life of a single working person living alone

Dec 2, 2021

My last post was on the 4th of October. It's a good two months of me not writing anything. Not sure how I am feeling about that but yesterday, I do suddenly missing writing my poems. 

I thought I'm going to write about how life has been just to show how a person in her late twenties is doing. Writing a poem is not it by the way. I miss it so much though.

A lot has been happening and everything went so fast. Before I knew it, there's another two months left before my three months notice is finished. Yup, that happens. I went on for an interview, succeeded and in two months, I'll be working a new place. I got two fresh new staff that I need to train, again, and I hope they'll stay long enough or at least until the company got a new pharmacist to replace me. The new staffs are so much easier to work with so I'm immensely thankful for that.

I did my presentation for the company last month. It was my first time ever doing a presentation in this company and outside of the hospital setting. It occupies me for a good two weeks. I keep putting off doing the slides in favor of training new staff (the ones who have quit) and doing everything on my own since I can't rely much on the new staff. I even did the slides at home because I wanted to finish them before going on a short staycation-ish trip with my friend. It was only for a few hours though. I am very serious about not doing my work at home. 

I'm so proud of the slides. I purposely choose a title that I don't know much and with that, I was able to learn so many new things. The presentation went well too. All and all, it was a good success.

The staycation is a success too. We were celebrating a friend of ours who came back from Sabah. We stayed at Dorsett KL, play some electronic scooter, watch a good horror movie, frolicking in the rooftop pool for hours and end it with a nice hi-tea buffet at Atmosphere 360. 

She did drop us a bomb by suddenly saying she is going to get married without any notice about how there's a prospective guy in her life. Now that's something that I'm not sure if I was borderline mad or just annoyed about. I'm not really close with her as we rarely get the chance to see each other but there's a few of us back then so it was natural for us to get her into our group. I guess she was that introverted person which we adopt so I love being able to celebrate her. I can't help also feeling betrayed when she told us that like it was nothing. 

I feel like sharing this because it's one of the things that usually happen and sometimes it can be a confusing thing.

The problem is that when I get angry or anything, I tend to shut down from such people. At first, it was because I realized that I can be so cruel when I'm mad so I learned to just step away. Before long, stepping away becomes letting them go and I am simply at peace. It is surprisingly easy to let go. Like if I ever did this to you, I'm sorry but I can't give you any good explanation because I just can't be bothered so there's that. 

I need to improve my communication skills. Like a friend of mine has been so annoying lately and I'm like "We need to switch you off for a while" but the pharmacy he's working at is finally opening today so I need to wish him or something. I'm so proud of him though.

I've been spending more time with my family since the interstate travel ban has been lifted. They have finished re-did my old grandparent's house and I finally get to see it. It was so nice being able to stay in my village again. We even do a small get-together with my relatives there.

I didn't get updated with Covid-19 cases much these past months and my new housemate told me that we might go into another lockdown so that's a thought I'm going to put far behind my mind. Oh ya, I got two new housemates so no more putting stuff everywhere because I was the only one here. That was a sweet one month of privacy.

Besides those is the typical changing new tyres, getting a deal for a new brake pad, going for Dr Ko sessions and I even get the chance to try a new restaurant around here. I don't read though. I need to continue my reading lol. 

I think that is all and it has been good.

Also, I put those Veets cream above my upper lips area to get rid of those tiny hairs. I tried shaving but it didn't give me a smooth finish. Waxing causes small bumps afterward. Putting Veets makes it so smooth so yeah. Don't do it.

BMPIL Writing Challenge - All About Laundry

BMPIL Writing Challenge - All About Laundry

Oct 4, 2021

 What was I thinking when I put this topic in? 

With that thought on my mind, I am again reminded that these topics were meant to get me more in touch with my life. It is easy to get lost by doing everything as if life itself is merely a repetition of things. Day in day out. Although I love having such structure, the appeal becomes a dread as it is literally the only thing that I can do while in this "lockdown". 

I haven't been home for months and literally shuts out for weeks on end to simply living day in and day out. I realized I never actually addresses this. I stop thinking about how many days it has been and I don't even care what day it is. Thank god we can do inter-district travel. I got to meet my friends and it feels so good.

Anyway, I'm actually doing my laundry at the moment which is actually a coincidence. I work half-day today and will only clock in at 6pm. I usually don't do my laundry on Monday because I feel like I need to "stretch" the weekend vibes as much as possible since I usually will do an evening shift on Monday. But since the laundry is pilling and I have slept and eat enough, I feel like doing laundry will help me feel good. I did spend the entire weekend hanging out with my friend though. I even had an impromptu crash at my friend place on Saturday because we finished karaoke-ing at 1130pm lol.

My place here has a manual washing machine. Or is it a semi-automatic? I'm not sure the right term but it was those that have separate washing and spinning parts and you need to turn on the water and wait for it to fill and then set how long you want to wash it and then drain and repeat and et cetera et cetera.

It usually takes me forever because I hate waiting and then I'll do other things while waiting and then I forgot about it and then I remember so then I have to change the water and the let it wash again and then I'll forget about it again. I do like how you can control everything so then I can do mini washing without the guilt of using excessive water or if I just want to a quick spin.

I'm an avid user of powdered detergent. I feel like the liquid ones get stuffy if you don't hang them right away or if you don't dry them under the sun. I dry my laundry in the living room where I have this Ikea mullig and simply hangs on hangers and leave it for dayysssssssssssssssss.

Like literally for days. I hate folding so much. Also, there weren't many tenants so far in all the places I have rented so there's a lot of free space.

I used to buy that Daia powdered detergent with Downy scents. It smells so good. I don't use softener much due to that because let's be real, we only use softener for how good it smells. However, since my old landlord didn't fix the broken washing machine I just bought random detergent that I found in Speedmart as I did most of my laundry the 24hour self-service laundry. It was those that gives detergent and softener automatically for free. 

When I moves in here, I still have lots of detergents left which was not Daia so I started to buy softener again. I mean why not since I'm going through all the trouble filling in the water and draining it out and whatnot, I can give effort and add softener as well I the meantime. The smell was obviously much better and I always go overboard anyway so I keep on doing that lol.

The softener is finishing though, maybe I should buy the softener that Jungkook uses next. 

BMPIL Writing Challenge - My Favourite Desserts and Snacks!

BMPIL Writing Challenge - My Favourite Desserts and Snacks!

Sep 19, 2021

I was having a rather slump-ish weekend and thought to myself that I needed to write stuff here - last night. It's now almost noon - the next day.

Also, I actually wrote something that just needed a minor tweaking but I don't like it anymore. I guess I needed to edit it some more. I also don't have a really nice vibe with my previous post, which is kinda a ridiculous reason. These have all and all made me want to just delete both of them but we'll persevere, I guess, and simply move on to our next topic.

I love this topic (insert heart emoji here)

I usually have a very specific mood for desserts and snacks. I needed to have that feel before actually eating it. I'm a slow eater and tends to savour everything and is even more so if the said food is desserts and snacks. These two were meant to be enjoyed consciously and deliberately.

Although, even after having said that, it was rare for me to really want to eat these. I don't know why though. Like if you give me something now, I won't touch it. 

Ok, let's do this, favourite dessert will go first. 

I am a chocolate enthusiast. Especially the creamier ones which means the ones with creams or dairy. So if it's a chocolate bar, it must be the milk ones. If it is a cake, then it must be the moist ones with luscious chocolate ganache. Naturally, this means I'm mad for moist brownies. There's this buffet we went to during our first year that served amazing chocolate souffle and I am hooked but I can't seem to find anywhere that sells it. If it's a drink, it must be a creamy chocolatey goodness one and hence that's why I hardly buy a chocolate drink. I usually buy iced drinks so I hated when the ice dilutes the drink and it's hard to find a good chocolate smoothie. I'll usually make hot drinks at home so milo and those Cadbury drinks are easily my favourite chocolate drinks.

I swear to all the good looking guys in anime that I've watched (tibber), dal.komm and this one local online cafe here made the best chocolate smoothies.

You can hardly go wrong with brownies as long as you stick to a recipe that includes putting chunks of chocolate into the batter but a chocolate cake from a good bakery is just on another level. I'm so into Gula Cakery now since it's close by. Apart from that, I do enjoy cheese tart as well. Be it a plain one or a fruits ones, I like them all. I'm not really a fan of egg tarts though. It's nice but I usually have this mood where I tend to not-feeling-like-having-an-egg-aftertaste.

I'm not really a snack eater.  I don't hate it though. I don't know why. I eat snacks but usually, I just don't feel like it. I might eat it if it's there or when the "want" come but I try not to buy much cause I know it will take forever to finish. Like there's this keropok ikan that I bought last Tuesday I guess because I feel like eating it and I don't have time for lunch so it was a good and rather filling snack. There's about a third of it left still laying around in the pantry.

The only cookies that I eat are either those big and chewy cookies (like the Subway's) or this cookie that my friend sells (she made it herself, it is so good and addicting). I used to like Chipsmore and always buys it but I don't anymore for like months now because I think I started to not like it. This is a weird realization to me because I've been loving Chipsmore since I'm a kid. 

I like those crispy chocolate snacks like the ones with wafer or rice crispies like Zip from Cadbury. I love that thing. I still only do chocolate flavour though. The chewy ones like Snickers is a big no no cause I hated how it stuck to my teeth.

It seems like these days, my snacks are on the sweet sides only. I don't really do savoury ones except for potato chips (any flavour is good, you can't go wrong with potato chips) and also, Super Ring. I think I only ate two types of bagged snacks - Super Ring and Pop Corn Perisa Durian. They are no bagged snacks that can compete with these two - period. 

As for ice cream, I'm usually sticking to the basics. Chocolate or vanilla. That Magnum one, the plain one, of course, is top tier. I rarely bought packed cone ice cream. I also love sour-ish popsicles which are my go-to on hot days. 

I also always have mints with me but the chewy ones instead. I do enjoy hard candy as well but I don't really have any preference. It's simply nice to pop one into your mouth. I think I can stock on hard candy in my room. That will be nice.