Roll On: Fuck*d Up Beyond All Recognition

Jan 22, 2017


I learned about the term from Saving Private Ryan. Found it again tonight as I watched 28 Weeks Later. You see, I feel rather "bland" these few days. I think it started when I was coming down with cold but alhamdulillah it didn't go full blown. After that, I don't know why but I feel so not motivated. My tongue still can't taste quite good and my throat stucking on thick phlegm aren't helping anything. It's literally killing me slowly. 

Now I'm whining. If you're not keen on reading negativity, stop here.

Whatever made me feel this depress has lead me thinking so low about myself. I realize I had few of these moments and it usually because of hormones stuff, specifically as my estrogen surge up (it may cause temporary anxiety or dysphoric). I always successfully discard those "feelings" knowing it just me messing my mind. But this time, it got me good. I want it to get me good.

I am a pharmacy student. I always know what I want, know exactly what I have to do, what to do next and things. It was the thing I am proud of, that I know what to do and do it. As I do it, I know that I've tried my best and that soothes me. But that was in my safe zone, this is real.

It has been more than 7 months now that I have finished pharmacy. Spend the first month on "raya" and generally family since both of my boys are home (they didn't get home quite much). Spent the next two month as a substitute teacher. Then come the graduation and finally the school starts their holiday and we were busy arranging stuff and trips. Now, for all the right reasons,  I have to care for both of my lil sister's school and manage house stuff like bills and lots of bills. Basically, I just stayed home. Doing nothing. Well, not really nothing but generally nothing. 

Yadda yadda yadda, that is all me giving excuses.

I don't do anything to further on my life value. There are so many "I can't". I wanted to just go into the industrial pharmacy (private sector) but Walid keens on me trying into government first. The first interview only started next week and guess what, I DID NOT EVEN GET THE INTERVIEW. It was such a stupid technical problem and I need to wait for the second interview; if there is one. I'm searching hard for the why of this but what if it only means that I should just go for industry. I try to find any job opening, there is NONE. Looking beyond is not easy.

There is no pharmacy hiring around me and seriously there are two other pharmacy students (that I know of) in this area and guess what, THEY GOT THE JOB. The fact that most of my friends actually got the job just make me even more frustrated. Well, not mostly. but still, I'm not going to measure myself on people who don't get the job now don't I.

I should go into a place that has the jobs. Like Selangor. I should totally go but then I got no money to stay there and Walid really is not so keen. Since I still have to care for my sisters, I should be working near here. There are too many BUT.

You know that person you would look up too. Maybe that lecturer of you who look damn confident and so good at their job (most of our lecturers still do clinical work). Or that Instagram girl who just so popular and have been using the popularity for business and just ace it. Don't let me start on those lots of successful business who only start with drop shipping (they made it seem like everyone can freaking do it but I don't even get one sale). 

I know that everyone can be that but it is so so hard. I'm solid scared for the new world. I even felt so self-conscious walking into a pharmacy asking if they willing to took another staff when obviously the are not hiring. I mean, just go and talk. The talking part was rather easy, but the go. To start something is hard. To stay on the course is fucking harder.

I am lost. FUBAR.

The funniest thing is, the fact that I am all bothered is that if I get called for the interview, I don't want to answer the question what did you do before the interview to be, well, nothing. It all come down to that. But the bigger issue is that, the one I should be taking into bigger consideration; I am no longer a kid. I got to build my life NOW. Everything I do now should be me building my life, the one that I want. 

I know what I gotta to do. I just have to get moving. To start. Into the wildest of things called life (geez, this sound lame).

This feels rather good. Geez, I don't quite expect me writing this posts can actually be sort of therapeutic. 

Anyway, thank anak Pak Man (if you actually read this, your last post moved me to write this). I'd do the 10 years thing.

Last but not least, the one I say about all those successful peoples and the interviewee expectation (that I say I don't want to answer nothing), fucked them. They are a good measure to make sure you are doing the right thing but live for yourself. Only achieve your own expectation.

Maybe I don't magically get up and about tomorrow, but, it's a start.

The fact that I am using a Supernatural gif means that I am somewhat feeling better now.

p/s: Sorry for all the "censored" words. Actually, I am still undecided whether to feel sorry or not.

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