i slept for three hours, it´s raining and food

Apr 30, 2019

I've been feeling shitty for some times now and it wasn't even because of PMS. At one point, I stopped bothering about dieting and exercising and just eat whatever I feel like eating. To tell you the truth, I don't feel like eating much but I always crave for rice at lunch so there´s one. About a week ago, I randomly told my friend that I´m going on a three-hour drives to Seremban and was wondering if she wants to hang out. I don´t even mind if she´s free, I just want to do something and feel something. I was feeling so empty. If you read this, thanks for suggesting the sea. 

I still feels so empty. Also, I have realized that I love the sea and museums. 

Self-care is good. To be honest, the little exercise I did earlier this month has done wonders to my mental health. I didn't feel as troubled or anxious. My body tires out so I got better sleep. Going to work is actually fun. But suddenly everything just turns sour. It kinda scares me. I just feels so gloomy and tired. I start to feel horrible cause I´m either just don't feel like it or too tired.

I went home last weekend and I wanted to paint the walls (I have delayed this plan for almost four months). We finished on Sunday morning and I got some spare time before I went back to my place in the afternoon. I was thinking to take a nap but I just can´t. There are too many things going through my head and it was mostly due to me being all sluggish and tired and don't want to do anything and that I should be doing "things" instead of taking a nap. It was at that point I realized that this has been going on for some times as well and that´s why I kept on scrolling 9gag until late at night cause even though I'm tired, I just can't sleep.

We had lunch and I take that "feeling so full I´m sleepy now" opportunity to take a nap. It's a weekend. I needed that nap with all the funny sleeping schedule I have been on. I started to have some pimples that keep on reappearing after it heals. The only thing that triggers my acne is stress. I shouldn´t even feel any stress right now. 

I'm just feeling so empty. But I'm still functioning. I made myself go out to eat my friends and colleagues. It didn´t really make me feel any better but I do feel like I have accomplished something. I have a fun run tomorrow and it was my first time joining a run. Again, I'm feeling like I'm achieving something which is kinda a nice feeling. 

I did my night shift last night and manage to snuck about three hours sleep. Before that, I have scrolled Instagram and 9gag just so that I didn't have to think about how my life has been. There wasn´t much patient and I should be spending the time being productive but I just don´t want to read something to achieve my tbr or write something to finish NaPoWriMo challenge. 

You know that slight rush you get in the morning when you didn't get enough sleep. That´s me right now. I bought McD's cappuccino and porridge and with the help of that rush, I made myself write this. I need to write this out.

It's a really confusing time to live. I live alone but still manage to spend so much. I wanted to be healthier and while it was a fun thing to do for sure, it isn´t anything much when I keep feeling tired and sluggish. I want to be alone but I don't want to feel lonely. I can´t keep calm somehow. I feel like I always need to do something even when I´m tired or like now, when I don´t feel like doing anything. But sometimes I'll feel like nothing really matter. All these things didn´t matter. 

No one understands me and at this point, I don't understand me either.

I don't know. The only thing that makes sense now is that if I feel hungry, I'll eat. Try to sleep at least by 12 am. Coffee in the morning is sacred. Try to put on a decent look every day (that means no tudung sarung). Keep on cleaning my face and put spot treatments. Do laundry. Repeat.

tried some sarawak foods. i like mee kolok.

all the nasi goreng have weird names but it is still some nasi goreng only
but the akak really cooks well.

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