It's the second of Ramadhan and I'm writing this while hearing the special interview of our current Prime Minister. I was so tired that I slept early on Thursday that I missed the news that MCO got extended. I only realize it while scrolling through Instagram while having my suhoor and well, yeah, it is what it is.
I'm being slightly dehydrated during fasting probably because I went to sleep way too early for both days so I didn't drink my share of water. It is not fun plus if I didn't pick up my drinking game, I'll start having mouth ulcers and that this is nasty.
It's Ramadhan but I'm on my own? That's a strange concept. Anyway, I needed to do some things while fasting this month and it is mostly about changing my habit of thinking. Basically, I want to do some thought changes. It seems like my mind is all over the place and I can't stay focus. I keep doing one thing and forgot to do other thing and the cycle continues. I wanted to do something productive but ended not getting the things I needed then I started feeling bad not being productive and yeah, the cycle continues. Not to mention that MCO is getting on my nerve and is closing every shop there is.
Apart from that, there's also this toxic thing I've been doing, disliking some peoples and simply grumbling and complaining about them. I was being a hater and I'm not saying I'm a saint, I just don't like keeping hatred towards peoples even though they deserve it. It was usually a simple "I don't care and I'm letting it go". There are some truly "astounding" behaviors that I faced at work. It was annoying and it wasn't helping that most of my friends also notice it so now there's this bawang session we did whenever the said person does something toward us. I wanted to be unbothered by them and simply tried my best to not having them anywhere near my business. I used to be so good at ignoring people I don't like because the last thing I would do is "being nice" to them. So now I need to be that old me again.
Now, since my mind is all over the place, I need to sit quietly and write this. Just to "see" my thoughts.
To help me clear my mind and be focus, I need to focus my energy on doing one thing that held my attention for a period of time and do it regularly. I might need to try meditation like I used to before using some simple apps. That was a good practice that I did. I'm also thinking to do this set off duaa before sleep. I need to also lessen my usage of the phone. I should start by using less Instagram and maybe set some offline periods throughout the day. I need to also set goals of things I need to achieve at work so that I don't feel so mundane. At least, ticking off the list will give me some satisfaction.
For me to be my old self that simply shut off peoples that I don't like, I must first be able to identify myself having such feeling and then let it go. I usually only notice it after I have vent out. I notice that the relief was temporary and there's this slight uneasiness too. It wasn't as good as how I simply feel peace by being unbothered. That "clearing my mind" step is important for me to do this. I can't be having messy and tangled thoughts for me to be conscious of how I am feeling. Apart from that, I'm trying self-affirmation as well. I think of doing a verbal one, twice daily. Once in the morning and another one before sleep.
Hey, would you look at that? I have a plan!
You know what else I should really be doing? Updating this blog.
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