Things I Want to Change About Myself?

Things I Want to Change About Myself?

Jan 31, 2021

I literally just thought about this. It was the usual realization of things "I should have done" that I only got the time to really ponder deeply about it now that PKP has started again and I have all the time to myself. 

Talking about PKP, what's with the 5K cases? The daily deaths too. This feel so out of hand. Like for real, I'm going to actually continue writing my Covid-19 Diary series cause it seems like we are going to be here for a while.

Anyway, back to the title, this isn't supposed to be a dark thing whatsoever. It was more like things that I have always been conscious about but not too much but still, doing something about it might be a good thing considering I'm two years left to go into my thirties. I might still not doing anything after this but I feel like writing and writing have always been my safe place.

Bodyweight

My body weight has been increasing since forever. I've never considered dieting or exercising because for the most part of my life I wasn't exactly fat thanks to my height and stature but now it seems like those can't help me anymore. My cheeks are literally falling out of my hijab lol. Do I hate it? Not exactly. My only problem is that I can't really rock outfits that I think look so cool but won't exactly work if I'm not thin enough. 

It might hurt my chances of getting a guy but these outfits thing is my main issue now. Plus I'm getting older and having some more movements out of my daily life might help me not being a burden when I'm older. I hate being a burden. It makes me anxious.

Skin routine

My acne is acting up, and the mask is just making it worse. I decided to retake Accutane again. Even with the vaccine coming up, there is still a long time for us to spend being vigilant so yeah the mask might stay for a little longer. 

Then I also realized that I have a really bad habit at skincare. I mean I do them but for the most part of it, I still pick at my acne, and recently, I have been doing such a good job of not doing my skincare routine. Mostly because it got so discouraging how oily my skin gets afterward and nothing seems to work off my acne. It was taking so long to heal and the mask keeps on ruining the already slowly healing acne. I'm getting better at it though since I change some of the product and limit to three items only. 

Daily routine

I think I need to add a little something to my life. Make it more stable and fulfilling like those aesthetically pleasing "daily routine vlog". Since we are in the Covid-19 season, my current life includes work, fyp, animes, and tv shows. Although I have exactly no problem doing those things as I chilled after a day of work, my soul kinda craves something more. 

It wasn't about having a purpose in life because I have long settled with living a carefree and chill day to day life but I guess a little something more would help me not getting bored easily. I've been feeling good lately since I started my new work so I guess I just wanted to use this energy more.

That was it. It was rather a short list now, doesn't it? Now I'm not sure what's left to say anymore. Although there is one important change I need to do that is simply hurting my ego yet I just have to do it. 

Have you guys ever heard how bitchy Digi is when their users want to change telco? I have experienced it first hand and it was so obnoxious that I vowed not to use them ever again. 

Guess what telco has the most speed in my new place?

p/s - today is supposed to be a chill Sunday but why is it so hot!

Covid-19 Diary (Part 5) + Forming Habit

Covid-19 Diary (Part 5) + Forming Habit

Apr 25, 2020

It's the second of Ramadhan and I'm writing this while hearing the special interview of our current Prime Minister. I was so tired that I slept early on Thursday that I missed the news that MCO got extended. I only realize it while scrolling through Instagram while having my suhoor and well, yeah, it is what it is.

I'm being slightly dehydrated during fasting probably because I went to sleep way too early for both days so I didn't drink my share of water. It is not fun plus if I didn't pick up my drinking game, I'll start having mouth ulcers and that this is nasty.

It's Ramadhan but I'm on my own? That's a strange concept. Anyway, I needed to do some things while fasting this month and it is mostly about changing my habit of thinking. Basically, I want to do some thought changes. It seems like my mind is all over the place and I can't stay focus. I keep doing one thing and forgot to do other thing and the cycle continues. I wanted to do something productive but ended not getting the things I needed then I started feeling bad not being productive and yeah, the cycle continues. Not to mention that MCO is getting on my nerve and is closing every shop there is.

Apart from that, there's also this toxic thing I've been doing, disliking some peoples and simply grumbling and complaining about them. I was being a hater and I'm not saying I'm a saint, I just don't like keeping hatred towards peoples even though they deserve it. It was usually a simple "I don't care and I'm letting it go". There are some truly "astounding" behaviors that I faced at work. It was annoying and it wasn't helping that most of my friends also notice it so now there's this bawang session we did whenever the said person does something toward us. I wanted to be unbothered by them and simply tried my best to not having them anywhere near my business. I used to be so good at ignoring people I don't like because the last thing I would do is "being nice" to them. So now I need to be that old me again.

Now, since my mind is all over the place, I need to sit quietly and write this. Just to "see" my thoughts.

To help me clear my mind and be focus, I need to focus my energy on doing one thing that held my attention for a period of time and do it regularly. I might need to try meditation like I used to before using some simple apps. That was a good practice that I did. I'm also thinking to do this set off duaa before sleep. I need to also lessen my usage of the phone. I should start by using less Instagram and maybe set some offline periods throughout the day. I need to also set goals of things I need to achieve at work so that I don't feel so mundane. At least, ticking off the list will give me some satisfaction.

For me to be my old self that simply shut off peoples that I don't like, I must first be able to identify myself having such feeling and then let it go. I usually only notice it after I have vent out. I notice that the relief was temporary and there's this slight uneasiness too. It wasn't as good as how I simply feel peace by being unbothered. That "clearing my mind" step is important for me to do this. I can't be having messy and tangled thoughts for me to be conscious of how I am feeling. Apart from that, I'm trying self-affirmation as well. I think of doing a verbal one, twice daily. Once in the morning and another one before sleep.

Hey, would you look at that? I have a plan!

You know what else I should really be doing? Updating this blog.

Covid-19 Diary (Part 4) feat. Stuffs I've Bought During MCO

Covid-19 Diary (Part 4) feat. Stuffs I've Bought During MCO

Apr 19, 2020

(update - I put the link of where I bought everything, just click at the tittle)

MCO got extended, yet again. #LOL

I read somewhere that one of the ways to get you more excited and simply feels a little livelier to go through day by day (don't ask how I got to read that article) is by having something to look for. Focus on that thing upon waking up. It gets you going. One of the example, that I feel more achievable for me, is to be excited about something posted to you. Probably something you shopped online. 

I remember feeling how expensive and so not eco-friendly the suggestion is but guess who just scroll a Carousell seller for measuring spoons and "other stuff" that she can also post together from the same seller so that we can have more purposeful postage and now owns a mini flask, salt and pepper shaker plus cute plastic wraps. 

In my defense, all those cost me only RM17. Excluding postage. 

Now, why not I share all of the stuff I have bought online due to MCO.

18/3/2020 - Nutox Renewing Treatment Lotion and thermal flask

I was planning for a while to buy these two and just didn't get the chance as I was so keen that I got a good deal. That means, when I found it, I keep on thinking I can get a better deal "somewhere" else. Nutox and good thermal are expensive y'all. I just had to buy it online since MCO has started and also because I thought Watson's and Guardian's weren't operating during MCO. However, buying online is a bit cheaper so yay although it doesn't help my moral conscience of the environmental pollution it might cause due to posting it. I was also about done not finding any flask I liked so I just bought something decent online. It was indeed exciting to get both because I have wanted it for a while.

20/3/2020 - Two set of Cosrx Acne Pimple Master (24 patches)

Still doesn't know that both Watson's and Guardian's were operating per usual, I got stressed with acnes that keeps on coming due to wearing a mask all day long. I was debating on buying it online because it is a mere acne patch which I shouldn't have to buy it online. I'm not a hazard to the earth for god's sake! But the acne bugs me and I comforted myself by buying Cosrx's instead of the usual Oxy's patch that I used. I love Cosrx's acne patch but I can only get it online so I change to Oxy's. Funny story, the patch got missing and once I knew Watson's and Guardian's are still operating, I just get the usual Oxy's one. I am still heartbroken that the patch simply went missing to this day.

27/3/2020 - Some drawing supplies for my sister and ribbons

My sister got bored at home and asked me to buy her some watercolor and brushes. Got her the usual Buncho ones and a set of brushes. Apparently, she can actually draw well. I bought some yellow and green ribbons for Eid decoration at the pharmacy which I have put it away since it seems like we might not get to return home for Eid. So now I have a stash of ribbons lying around somewhere in my room. 

28/3/2020 - Whitecoat

We wore whitecoat in the pharmacy and mine was this unisex one which means it has no cutting. Just a straight boring piece of oversized whitecoat. I was thinking about buying it but never really did buys it until I made this timelapse video of me doing some work at the pharmacy which I didn't actually go over and edited it because my flappy white coat made me look even fatter so yeah I guess it was time. For my whitecoat wearer ladies out there, don't buy it from Kamal Bookstores, get it from Smart Uniform. Smart Uniform is also available in Lazada,

29/3/2020 - Rotating make-up organizer that has been in my cart for months

I'm not even exaggerating. It has been in my cart for months and I just thought I didn't really need it but it turns out to be the best buy ever. I can adjust the height so it could fit lots of stuff, even if I bought new stuff. It rotates so I can simply take something, applies it, put it back and then rotate towards other stuff that I needed instead of putting stuff everywhere and thinking I will come back later to tidy it up. It is the ultimate lifehack for lazy me!

30/3/2020 - 5 Tiers Stainless Steel Storage that hasn't arrived until now wtf where is it???

I got this urge to do some transformation in my room. I thought minimal and open storage would be good since I need space for stuff or else I'll end up throwing stuff everywhere. I bought this exact same thing when I stayed in the studio apartment at the hospital because it was that good but since I have put that away at my home, I bought a new one. The due date for it to arrive is on 11th April but that was a week ago and I still haven't received it. The seller wasn't helpful at all and PosLaju only received written complaints during MCO so now I need to just wait until they reply to me. I might just try to get a refund.

2/4/2020 - Small fluffy carpet

I totally underestimate the size so it was way smaller than I thought it was. Yes, I do read the dimensions written but I just have the most stupid sense of length ever. It was cheap though and it turns out kinda good sitting there. Super fluffy too!

4/4/2020- Schwarzkopf Seborin Hair Tonic. 

I'm too lazy to put a picture. It's a tonic for hair-fall. Someone on Twitter claims it works wonder but I keep on forgetting to put it on. It says that I need to massage it for two minutes but I have never really got into massaging let alone for 2 minutes but I tried my best. It was surprisingly cheap, only RM27 for 300ml.  It smells medicated-ish though but faintly. It also leaves your hair slightly stiff but I wore tudung so I don't really care. My hair-fall is rather controlled by now and I wore this solely to help hair growth especially those flyaways so that it will simply grow long enough for me to tie it back.

7/4/2020 - Google Pixel 2

My Redmi Note 5A cracked, yet again, and it was so frustrating. If I fix that, it will mark a total of RM400++ on fixing phone crack which is how much the phone costs in the market right now. I thought of buying a new phone and wanted something smaller than 5-inch and it seems like my Xiaomi only makes large phones and I will never bring myself to buy an iPhone so, through deep research, I found Pixel 2. But it was a used set since they didn't make it anymore but knowing Pixel 2 is a good phone and the deal was so good, I just had to buy it. It was amazing. Their OS was a bit different though but I just use Google Assistant when I got confused.


Don't let me start on stuff that I bought offline.

p/s: I started to share my poems back on Instagram (@afifahwrites), do visit!

Covid-19 Diary (Part 3)

Covid-19 Diary (Part 3)

Apr 7, 2020

Why did no drinks could offer me a good solace like coffee? I made dalgona coffee and drink it with dinner and still have plenty left to accompany me through the night. But will I get a good sleep tonight? I hope so. But was it worth it? Heck yeah.

Our pharmacy has started our own fever screening which also includes history taking this week. It's just a bit out of place for us to do but we had to do it. My first ever shift was this morning and that was such a way to spend your morning asking random peoples if they might be carrying some silent killer within themselves. The queue builds up at some points but I just went like "pakcik tunggu luar dulu ek". It is still indeed a blessing that there are a whole lot fewer patients than days where there are no silent-deadly-and-really-communicable-disease on the loose. I have the television to accompany me and god there are so many public service announcements about COVID-19 and it was so well done too.

I got tired of the food delivery we have here in the hospital that I really did just went home with no plan whatsoever for dinner. I was like, there are some instant noodles so that should do it. But it turns out I am still fated with a decent meal as I realized like there's some koey teow left from last weekend. Voila!

Actually, I've been doing these cooking charades with a colleague at work on the first and second weekend of MCO. I even went on and make some fancy aesthetic-ish video of it. The first weekend was a simple kek milo kukus and eating whatever they cook but we go hard last weekend. We made cookies, bread and even this instant noodle pizza which is actually just murtabak maggi. We planned for souffle pancake this weekend and I'll be cooking bulgogi for lunch. I hope it turns out good cause I love bulgogi so much. 

BTS apparently is now a Samsung Galaxy S20 series ambassador (is this term correct?). I just realized how disconnected I am feeling with BTS. BTS has always been so forthcoming in social media but now, knowing that they also got holed up, just make me feel mehh. No more lives show with lives fans, no more quirky interviews and also no more life updates of them on Twitter. I wasn't really full-on having to know everything about them in minute details but I'm a fan and they are BTS, their news always creep up and make way. 

My acne acts out so horribly around my mouth and yes, it is indeed due to wearing the mask. The fact that I have acne and still need to wear the mask just worsens things out. I need to stop lowering the mask and just chill if it gets hard to breathe in it. It just got suffocating if I talk too long at one time. I'm trying to only wash my face and applying face mist just to see if it will heal the acne faster.

It feels good to still be able to work. I can't imagine how it feels to just stay home during MCO. Even now, not having anywhere to go after work and hang out with my friends has turned me into this state of being restless and somehow anxious? It was weird. I can't even watch anything on Netflix anymore. It just feels so clogged up somehow. I can still focus on reading and IQ84 is such a therapeutic book that plays the theme of being alone and loneliness so wonderfully.

There's news of PUI and PUS cases around us plus quarantine cases upon quarantine cases but we did well to just brush it off and chill. I got to hands it down to us as a team. I know how any news will usually put us a bit over the center of gravity but we quickly pull through and just go with it. Again, we're still a yellow zone and pharmacy still could do so much for prevention than the frontliners.

There's some laundry left that I don't think I should really be doing now at ten since my housemates are all ready for bed. Better wake up early tomorrow.

Covid-19 Diary (Part 1)

Covid-19 Diary (Part 1)

Mar 22, 2020

Warning - this post might sound a bit depressing.

Today is the fifth day since the Restriction of Movement Order (RMO) was invoked under the Prevention and Control of Infectious Diseases Act 1988 due to Covid-19. However, it is only my second day of actually staying at home since I worked in a hospital. I tried reading to pass the time but it made me sleepy. On a different note, my phone just slipped from my hand and now there is this major crack. To make things worse, there is only this one place that I trusted to repair it but it is all the way back at my hometown. Yay.

The world is becoming highly frustrating.

It seems like Italy's healthcare is overburdened. Donald Trump decided to help North Korea when Americans hardly get access for screening. We have now had over 1k of Covid-19 cases with nine dead and I think the South Africans somehow have a surge of lemon, garlic, and ginger shopping cause apparently, it can cure Covid-19. I made a point to keep the television on and there's these series of public service announcements for Covid-19 with the same background music which kinda stresses me out.

did you know that they lights up Eiffel Tower for about 10 minutes as a tribute for their healthcare worker. Idk, it kinda feels nice.

On the other hand, my housemate just discovered Plato (that interactive game, not the philosopher) but she told me it was called Palatao instead. We might be getting a new housemate who is about five or six years older and I am literally panicking since we'll be working together as well.

I worked in a small town. We have no reason to fear Covid-19 until the Tabligh's cluster. So now it's mask 24/7, constant hand hygiene and social distancing. We were lucky that everyone has been screened before coming to us. It doesn't stop us from being a wee bit paranoid as some of my colleagues kept their phones in plastic since wiping alcohol too many times may disrupt the screen sensitivity. 

*ohmygodmyphonecrackedsobad*

We notice a clear in traffic during the first day of RMO but there are some shops and even small stalls by the roads that still open. Later that day, there is this notice spread by our city council warning them and I notices the small stalls "disappear" the next day. Retail pharmacy around here still doesn't have any supply of masks and hand sanitizer. But that's okay since I just stayed home after work and there wasn't much crowd when I went grocery shopping last Thursday. Plus, it was grocery shopping for one so it doesn't take long.  I made it a point to shop on Thursday to avoid going out on the weekend but my housemate did and there wasn't much crowd as well.

Food wasn't really a problem since we always have this food delivery but now we sometimes ordered two pax for dinner as well. Breakfast is a bit tricky though since we usually bought some kuih from these small stalls by the road. But I think there is some new delivery for breakfast as well but it doesn't look really feasible for us yet the existence of a choice feels good. I might make some cucur to work tomorrow since I've been meaning to finish my flour.

I cooked ayam masak sambal and some fried cabbages yesterday which lasted until today's lunch. I used "Sambal Tumis" by Deli Mas which tasted exactly like a freshly made sambal. It was an amazing discovery cause I was scared it will taste like the ordinary cili giling which is so blerghhhh. The most annoying thing, however, it seems like my coffee tasted so off. I'm not sure why but it annoys me to no end. I've bought some ingredients for soup but I'm still undecided either to cook it as dinner today or as dinner for tomorrow. We'll see about it. I've bought some ingredients for soup but I'm still undecided either to cook it as dinner today or as dinner for tomorrow. We'll see about it.

I guess my main issue is how unsettling this situation is. It is a legit feeling but at the same time, I also feel so frustrated with some Malaysians attitude which made it worse. It seems like Malaysian failure to adhere to RMO until the military needed to be involved would probably mean the extension of RMO. I am all in for military cause I knew these ignorant Malaysians would never understand until they see the army. I bet they still don't understand but the fear they have for the army is enough, for now, I guess. Let's hope this will end my frustration at least.