Roll On: Always gives EFFORT

Jun 4, 2016


These are they unto whom Allah showed favour from among the prophets, of the seed of Adam and of those whom We carried (in the ship) with Noah, and of the seed of Abraham and Israel, and from among those whom We guided and chose. When the revelations of the Beneficent were recited unto them, they fell down, adoring and weeping. (58)

Now there hath succeeded them a later generation whom have ruined worship and have followed lusts. But they will meet deception. (59)

Save him who shall repent and believe and do right. Such will enter the Garden, and they will not be wronged in aught - (60)

Surah Maryam.

Before these verses, Allah told bout few Nabi that He has chosen. How amazingly devout and the greatly paramount taqwa that they have. I do felt jealous that I don't have even a teensy bit of that.

I do has been sinful especially day like today. Day where I found myself too lazy to do anything eventhough particularly today when my report has been overdue and I dont yet finished it.

It has been an ongoing battle this is. I usually get struck with this unbelieveable laziness when I finish sort of a marathon of hardship. Sort of hardship. Sometimes I just like blank. These few weeks has been hard. It has officially ended yesterday with a twist of cough and cold. Yup, I am a mess of stuffy nose and sore throat and simply lazy. Or in medical term, lethargy.

*keep on comforting myself with nonsense.

It is SUPPOSEDLY to officially ended yesterday as I have initially planned to finish my report as well but it is not anywhere near completion.

That made me sad really. That I be such a loser like this. I mean if I simply took a break I should be responsibly do that after finishing my report. It was a shameful thing to pray that my studies was earnestly for Allah yet I do these things.

Reading this verse made me feel even worse. I realize that my solat has been delayed almost at all five times. My subuh was even worse as I do wake up but lazily did a real wake up and solat. On top of thar, this laziness is a sheer proof of me bowing to my lust. And other things of course.....

It made me feel guilty knowing how gloriously succesfull all those people that He had choice on those later times and how He has told that they will be peoples like me TODAY.

Quran has expected it all along.

Ramadhan is in two days times and I want to change. I need a plan on how to spend Ramadhan effectively so that I'll be stronger and my first step is SOLAT EARLY.

It has been on and off effort. I do seriously at everytime hope to make it permanent. I keep on failing obviously. I realize now, at my own petty stage, the main idea is that I need to always, always, want to change. For the better. Even though I kept on failing, as I am now, I still need to keep on going on. What I forget is that the effort is what I have right now and actually, it is the only thing that I have now, inshaAllah. Hopefully I'll reach that needed amount of effort so that I went to the next stage of iman. It is not that I will continue to be pristine at those stage but I really really want to istiqamah and be like that.

I have a friend like that and she is not what people would say those ustazah type. She is nice and sweet and decent. She always pray on time even for Subuh and even do tahajud regularly. She read the Quran and always comitted to it at every time after maghrib. She was a nice friend and good student. She might not seem much of an excellent student, outspoken, or those people which were showing aura of budak surau but I do idolize her. Maybe it is in her modesty. I only realize this as I practically live with her. I really want to be like her.

Change is hard. Fighting your lust, your inner demons, all those negative thoughts and all those "simple things" that you thought don't really mess with your iman. Fighting to always remember Allah, to always believe in His love and grace. Trusting that He still want you and will you to be His best servant. To understand completely that He would forgive us. To trust that you can always gives effort and He will always gives you credit for that.

Remember that Afifah. Please.

Never lost hope.

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