Life Lately and A Quick Mental Health Check

Jul 17, 2019

This post is a TMI but feel free to read and share an insight.

It has only been the 17th of July but god, July already feels like forever. I got the entire first week of July to myself. I didn't have anything much planned for the week and yes I'm rather bored to be staying at home doing nothing. But I still take the week off.
Why I take it? Because I can. Plus, it's a good week to use up my "cuti". 

I spent 1st of July joining a fun run and the day after going to two open houses hosted by my colleagues. I even manage to went with a friend of mine that I hardly get to meet and spend like two hours chatting (gossiping will be more accurate tbh). 

I finally went to Hannan Medispa at my hometown, did that Janus machine skin analysis and did a treatment. I actually bought a package and to my surprise, it is far cheaper than Dr. Ko's. I'll do a review once I did at least four sessions of treatments.

My aunt was at my home so it was good catching up with her as well and of course eating all the delicious foods she cooked. The week ended with a one and a half day Pharmacy Conference that I went with my UKM friends. I even get to meet an old colleague that has moves out last March plus another UKM friend as well. The best would be that I  made them eat at Muhammad Chan because "I feel like eating actual Chinese foods". Really good foods but we didn't order much Chinese menu so like what even afifah?

Did I mention how stupid I feel to be in that conference given by all top healthcare professionals in Malaysia? It was the most bilis moment ever.

It was fulfilling and I daresay a quite productive weekend. It feels good to be able to do these but I wasn't feeling ecstatic or anything. It was just good. I did this kind of update for April and I remember feeling so good about it but I wasn't feeling it as much this time around. I'm very much thankful for it but honestly speaking, I only remember feeling so tired the week after. Probably because I need to catch up on my work. 

I went home again last weekend because my sister got a bad case of rashes that itches all over her body. I was so ready to sleep the weekend but being a good sister that I am, I went home. We don't even know what could possibly trigger it. She is good. Got a shot though, which I predicted she will so it was funny.

Now this is where everything went even downhill.

My dad borrowed my car and get into an accident. No one was hurt and the car can still move but the bumper got a deep dent and scratches a deep straight line on the driver's side. My dad went home instead of doing a police report right away and I guess he was still in shock that we only do something two days after. 

If he wasn't involved, I'll just settle it myself. It's difficult to explain but since he did it, it's his thing too and if you know my dad, you would know he wants to settle everything himself, his way. But he wasn't being one in this case and it was just too much for me. I can't push him much because I know he needs time and even though I was either on the verge of going mad or bursting in tears, I tried my best to show that I am all sunshine and rainbow so that he won't feel bad.  It was the worst two days ever.

I was so overwhelmed. Not only the car made me feel that way, but it was also me being mad at myself for being this way. At one point I tried so hard to not feels this horrible and just be redha and at one point I was venting so bad at my sister just so I can feel something other than this horrible battle of judgment on what I should feel. I wasn't questioning why this happen to me but I was questioning why can't I make peace with this? Why did I let it bothers me this much? Why am I feeling this way anyway? Why can't this feeling go away? Am I a bad daughter? a bad human?

I made myself sleep just to pass the time and hope my dad will come to his sense and I remember just making myself made a proper duaa but only ended up saying I'm tired. It was only for two days but I got so tired that I went to sleep so early for two nights after. I don't even do anything. I want desperately for this to get this behind and writing usually does it but I can't even make myself to write. I already had my hand on the keyboard and I just switch everything off.

We were having a birthday party today and to my surprise, it was just the thing I need. I guess it helps to clean that short dark moment. It was so stupid actually. It was planned because there are plenty of us that were born in July. They never throw a birthday party at the pharmacy and everyone was like "lamanya takda birthday party untuk diri sendiri". We pull out some money and bought nasi lemak and ayam berempah. They make a makeshift photo booth that barely holds and bought a fancy cake with that fancy firework birthday candle. There's a lot of other good food too.

I'm not sure why but this party is a good one. Was it because it relieved me from my mini-meltdown? or was it just that good of a thing? I read somewhere that it is good to have something good to expect from a day to make it more fun. Or was it because I got that more than enough two nights sleeps? Probably because I had two cups of coffee as well. I don't know the exact science. It will be good if I know it.

Anyway, did you see how much I have spent by this time? I'm practically broke.

Did you know that Guardian has a 40% off on skincare products the other day? That happens too and that's another haul that I did which I wanted to update here but well, I still didn't.

What's the last thing about your mental health that you realized? It can be a good one of course.

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