Roll On: Groupwork issues much

May 28, 2016


*Sigh heavily.

I just decided that my threshold level of toleratable shit need to be increase a little bit. Just so that I can be nicer than I have always been. I thought myself to be quite harsh than my group of peers. Like literally, there are like angels.

I mean it, ANGELS.

Like when Castiel always come to help Sam and Dean although they only contact him when they need help.

I am having conflict. Which result in these threshold things.

To please other and to be my own self. The issue was if I actually not giving much effort than I am supposed to. These efforts is the "please others". I mean, what i give is what others see and thus for them to decide if i have done enough. BUT, the conflict is when I thought I have done my part yet also thought that i am not doing enough because others want more. It made me question myself and i hate that.

The most important thing however, I should know what I need to do and what I can give which relies on my exact responsibilities as well as to please myself knowing this is what I CAN DO.

So it become confusing that it depressed me. These are moments when people say I don't care what people say but somehow sometime I do really care.

Then come all those re-assuring comforting opinions gave to my own self. So called that I have gave my best. This is true though. We should know our limits. Our responsibilities.

But never is to say I have done better.

That is the source of my queasiness now. I think so. Actually, i strongly think so.

I thought I have done better or actually know better or like everyone is not. They flawed and I am better. It is fucking stupid. But I can't help myself. This is actually my own flaw.

I need to istighfar more.

There is another flaw of me which has also give rise to this quesiness. This one I know for sure. Ego. I got ego big as mammoth. I chose mammoth because they extinct. See. Ego.

I'm afraid my ego has prevent me from seeing the better picture. Saw my own mistakes. Admit and to improve my mistakes.

Ego. Self doubt.

People should tell when people do wrong things or thought so, then we can clear out stuff.

I am afraid of what others think of me. Which is tiring. I am a slave of Allah. Not them.

Liberate me.

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