Roll On: Stop Dreaming

May 6, 2016

I am different. Sort of. I should stop updating this blog when i'm feeling down. Sort of.

Yup. I might be a little depressed.

Oh my.

There is this amazing Supernatural fanfiction called Half Price Gemini. It was a good long read and I am in the middle of re-reading it. It is so much fun that it make me sort of happy in this depressing time.

Sort of.

Nah, very yes of actually. I am quite depressed. I don't talk or do much things of what my friends does. I don't find them to have the same preference. I don't clicked. It is of putting. I realize that I don't have that special someone that I can succumb to. I try to adapt but it's not fun not being myself.

I don't really bother about this really. I've known this forever. Forever lonely some might say. I just don't bother trying when it also hurts not being myself. Lately however, it has been depressing.

PMS? Assignment? Clinical attachment? Two time cancelled plan of going home?

I started to really really judge people. I'm loud and outspoken. I start to think everyone is judging me for this though when i think back, i do soften it. It didnt suppose to hurt. But then i start to think maybe i think so because i want it so. It's unhealthy yet i can't stop. I know i am wrong though but this thoughts is killing me that i want to escape. Sleeping was not a choice cause apparently i hate sleeping.

I'm now at the stage of having sleep as refuel of energy. People thought i sleep a lot but i really just want to freshen up to do my work.

I don't take pity of this of me. I believe this is how it meant to be that i cant do much. I can be different and adapting but then i would feel even empty. Losing my own self. I can't have that now.

I think this is why i like Castiel character in this fanfiction. He was eccentric, weird and so much fun. Yet he is different and so strong. He is outcast but he didn't bother to change. He is he and he is well meant that only selected people would see that and that is enough. Those were the only ones he needed. I never actually feel this attached to a character. Like really happy or sad or love them as if they were real person.

I should try to correct this depressive time. I eat a lot and i don't really have the money and the body capacity (read as malas nak exercise) for all those food.

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