Roll On: What do I owe to myself.

Dec 16, 2016

There is this big ship at Lumut where Walid would sometime, when we were kids, took us with his small boat to its' side.

We were fishing and I reckon he like to have us look the at that big ship at such close proximity. To see the mass of it and how small we are. I can reach out my hand to touch it. I was so scared. The ship might move just a little bit more and we would all just die there.

Ok. Overreact. Maybe like drown.

I still did not know what the ship actually carried.

Walid had us experience stuffs. From eating a deer to walking a hundred meters high tree top skywalk. Not to mention the different methods of catching a fish, a 5 stars hotel experience and lets not forget that one time when we spent almost an hour just driving and chillin since the view were just breath taking.

We have done a lot. Alhamdulillah.

From it, I learned to understand differences and embrace it. It actually helped me a lot in my time in university. I saw different ways of living and how everything suited just nicely. I saw beauty in many ways that altogether different yet still beautifully unique. I learned to see beyond.

I would say that through my teensy little sneak peek of the world, is that, there are a lot out there. The world has so many to offer, so many to chase after. With that, we would never be satisfied. That every each success you get leaving you wanting more. It's a good thing of cource. The hunger. For some it worked such way but for me, it is not.

What do I owe to myself then.

Once, through all this adventures, I thought I owe to myself a trip around the world. Backpacking across Europe and living the dream in America. Seeing the world and absorb in all in.

Then I thought, it is going to be just one time thing, but I want something forever. I thought of getting myself an excellent carier and having to work to my own satisfaction. Build myself a reputation and make a little difference in this world.

That also meant so little somehow.

I thought that every kind of success is necessary. But, all those movie quotes and life philosophy thought that we need to aim for "happiness". It felt funny somehow. Do I need to infuse my life in weeds or anything? Being all time happy is a very weird agenda. All those things people aimed for life is never a happy journey. Does all those long journey of hardwork filled with blood, tears and sweats meants nothing just for the sake of "happiness" in the end of it? I love my tears and my pains. All those bruises and cuts. Every little scars made and broken heart to be mended. I love my darkness.

What I need is to be content but wanting necessarily. That is the utmout debt I owe to myself. To stop being delusional of what I have to have but knowing with what I have now is enough. To know what it meant to be the best of your version of perfect. Your very own definition. Not those shoved to you in Instagram feeds or lifestyle Youtubers. But still wanting to do more but on ground to be just enough that you actually would need. To know when to stop and when to know what just not meant to be or what just do not need.

It is knowing what you really want and purely you very own wanting. 


Disclaimer: I'm trying a new writing challenge, I will tell more later. Why does the ambience of my writing feels funny?

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